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OP, i've done it twice, that is lived together with my SO. here are my experienced based thoughts...
my basic rule was we are only doing it if we agree that we primarily doing it to move our relationship forward to the next step at some point, i.e., marriage. not out of convenience or "too save money, share expense"--and if that's the case, just be roommates.
don't set too many rules, quite the opposite: just learn to live with each others habits, living standards, and quirks. otherwise lots of rules will get tiring really fast
commit to keeping some sense of separate lifestyles and independence. you are still not married, so don't fall into marriage mode cuz.... whether you realize it or not, both of you guys are doing a test drive for being married to one another where one can unplug from partnership without the marital "forever together" commitment. the adage familiarity breads contempt has some merit. believe me.
OP, i've done it twice, that is lived together with my SO. here are my experienced based thoughts...
my basic rule was we are only doing it if we agree that we primarily doing it to move our relationship forward to the next step at some point, i.e., marriage. not out of convenience or "too save money, share expense"--and if that's the case, just be roommates.
don't set too many rules, quite the opposite: just learn to live with each others habits, living standards, and quirks. otherwise lots of rules will get tiring really fast
commit to keeping some sense of separate lifestyles and independence. you are still not married, so don't fall into marriage mode cuz.... whether you realize it or not, both of you guys are doing a test drive for being married to one another where one can unplug from partnership without the marital "forever together" commitment. the adage familiarity breads contempt has some merit. believe me.
Thank you! My boyfriend and I do not plan on marrying or having children (we agreed on this when we started our relationship) and discussed why we wanted to move in with each other. I really like how we have set things up so far. We want time for us, but we also want time on our own and with our other friends.
Also, thanks for the advice on too many rules. He and I will keep that in mind
Everybody has unspoken expectations in a relationship and when they are not met, problems arise. If your partner doesn't learn to communicate with you, how do you solve your issues? Winging it just doesn't work.
I lived with someone for several years and when I moved out, he listed a number of things that he had been mad about the whole time we were together. How do you tell if someone is mad? If they don't yell or slam doors, don't fuss at you or don't talk to you (the mature option), then nothing gets solved. And guess what? Mad people do things to undermine the relationship. They can be difficult because of their angry feelings, and without realizing they are angry, you think they are just being a jerk or that is the way they are. Not talking and not setting some ground rules in any relationship is not good. I would never again live with someone or marry someone who doesn't negotiate and talk about our differences and any problems that arise. Going with the flow is how you end up unhappy.
Gosh, you described quite a few relationships I've seen in the past. My best friend had to experience this with his now ex-boyfriend. They lived together for five years and after that, they both realized they knew almost nothing about each other. One of them always had a problem but expected the other to know what was going wrong.
I guess I'm over planning, because I do not want to turn into the relationships I've seen in the past. The key ingredients tend to be a lack of communication, a lack of personal boundaries, and an inability to understand each others perspective. And I don't want to plan out everything to the point of exhaustion. I just see that I'm in this really good position to make my relationship be the best that it possibly can... combine that with the excitement of moving in with the love of my life, and I turn into an over-planning spreadsheet queen.
In the next few months, I will be moving in with my boyfriend of (almost) four years. We both have been planning this for a while. I moved to a different state, and he is planning his move to be with me by the end of this year. We have been in a long distance relationship since the beginning and have met each other.
Before moving in, he and I worked on house rules. We came up with a cleaning schedule and clear boundaries on space. He and I are introverted, so we have planned out "free days" where we will more than likely be in the same space, but he'll just be on his own in the basement, and I'll be in the living room doing my own thing.
I'm just wondering if there's anything I'm missing. I have plenty of experience living with roommates and living on my own. While I don't want to plan every little detail, I want to welcome him to our new home and make it a space that is comfortable for both of us.
What are things you wished you had done before moving in with a significant other? Advice, horror stories, and success stories are welcome.
You have not spent enough time together to be moving in with each other.
Why doesn't he get his own place then after you are a few months into a short distance relationship decide if you really want to move in together.
This just seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
Besides it sounds like you have interviewed and established rules for a room mate not a romantic mate.
You have not spent enough time together to be moving in with each other.
Why doesn't he get his own place then after you are a few months into a short distance relationship decide if you really want to move in together.
This just seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
Besides it sounds like you have interviewed and established rules for a room mate not a romantic mate.
We thought about that too and agreed that neither of us are interested in living in separate apartments.
How do you establish rules with a romantic mate? We are being kind and considerate of each other. We understand that we are both introverted and will sometimes spend time alone. We have established house rules that will benefit us both and save time. We are not going to suffocate each other and be attached to the hip. Is there something I'm missing? Even though I'm moving in with my boyfriend, that doesn't change the fact that I'm living with another person in a house who has their own set of quirks. So if you could enlighten me on how to establish rules with a romantic mate, I'd appreciate it.
This could definitely be a disaster, but I'm willing to take the risk.
We thought about that too and agreed that neither of us are interested in living in separate apartments.
How do you establish rules with a romantic mate? We are being kind and considerate of each other. We understand that we are both introverted and will sometimes spend time alone. We have established house rules that will benefit us both and save time. We are not going to suffocate each other and be attached to the hip. Is there something I'm missing? Even though I'm moving in with my boyfriend, that doesn't change the fact that I'm living with another person in a house who has their own set of quirks. So if you could enlighten me on how to establish rules with a romantic mate, I'd appreciate it.
This could definitely be a disaster, but I'm willing to take the risk.
I mean it sounds like you have put together a list of rules for a "roommate" not a living arrangement with someone you refer to as "your boyfriend".
You can risk all your little heart desires but this is a disaster waiting to happen.
You have spent very little time physically together in the same block/city/county/state let alone the same room from what I am gathering from your original post.
You do not really know this person and they do not really know you.
You can be kind, considerate, loving, respectful of one's space and actually be in the same room instead of completely separate rooms on different floors in the house. My husband and I do that all the time.
Neither of you have any clue at all if you can accept, deal and adapt to the other's "quirks" enough to live in the same home.
How can you possibly think this is "the love of your life" when you say you have had a long distance relationship most of the 4 years you have been together but you "have met".
I guess it is good that you have at least met.
You did not state if this "boyfriend" of yours has a job already.
Are you going to support him?
Who is going to pay for what?
Are you going to split utilities, food, water, etc. depending on the amount of time each of you spend in separate parts of the home?
For example, if you spend most of your time in the living room doing your thing and he is in the basement doing his thing.
Are you going to pay the bigger share of rent, utilities, etc. because you spend more time using the entire home and he "only uses the basement"?
Your life, your choice and I hope you have good disaster insurance and a good financial/residential back up plan.
Oh yeah, who is signing the lease to be financially responsible?
I don't think cohabitation is a good idea because the courts can't protect you. If you want to play house, then fine; but have you thought about if you break up.
Let's say you both paid 1/2 for a 50" TV and then you break up. Who gets the TV? You can't split it. You'll have to either give it up or sell it and split the profit.
over half the adult population has been divorced,,,,over half the marriages end in divorce,,,, when the honeymoon is over, you are living with someone you dont know very well...
and what kills most relationships????????? one common trait is COMMUNICATION!!!!
i would much rather over communicate than under communicate- sounds overly structured?????
then so be it...at least you know where you stand.
not all couples communicate very well- putting the ground rules on the table, insures fairness, for both, not just one..
outlines and structure sounds more mechanical, than love??
i think just the opposite,,,its more considerable, with clear expectations, one partner isnt thinking they are doing something wrong...or getting very frustrated with nowhere to go
moving in disasters happen everyday..... taking a few precautions does not hurt at all
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that about covers everthing
