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call an attorney immediately put together a plan and file. in this nasty game he who strikes first has the advantage. trust me she is not sitting idle.
I am glad you posted your experience, I just saw it today. I certainly didn't mean to imply that this kind of out of control (abusive) behavior was normal, but I do really believe it is normal to have arguments and disagreements and all sorts of things that CAN make the relationship stronger.
But, thats between two people who are emotionally mature, and equal and respectful to each other, can work out issues without throwing objects or insults, etc.
Oh, disagreeing is completely normal. Fit throwing and fist pounding, not so much.
It's okay. You are certainly not alone. I am going through the same thing although I didn't hit the wall or say I resent marrying her. The problem is, your words leave residue. Especially painful ones. In the heat of a battle, I said things like "if you don't like it, you can leave".. Or your sister is a fat [EMAIL="#@#$"]#@#$[/EMAIL]! Not often but you only get so many of those. I believe the really mean things we say are very limited. They may forgive you as mine has but the resentment is cumulative. I yelled at my wife when she pregnant and got on her from time to time about her diet. Collectively, I made her feel "that something was wrong with her" and (as others have said) when she was done, she was done. It was terrible. I made it to 43 and didn't realize I had perfectionist, control, rejection issues that I've been working on in counseling since she left but it is too late and I've resided to that fact as well. I wouldn't want to be with me either. Unfortunately, it took her leaving for me to make the change. I don't think was capable of taking the steps necessary without the trauma of her leaving. The bad news is that she left, the good news is that I'm 43 years old and taking all the steps necessary to work on these issues that go way back to adolescence and they have been making a huge difference. And I still (hopefully) have a long life to live as a better person with a more fulfilling life. The first step is awareness and it is already making difference in my life. I still love her deeply but she deserves to be happy.
that's exactly right skydive. That's what my wife did. She wanted to check out long before and actually admitted to starting the last fight just to see what I would do and unfortunately, I didn't pass the test.
You know you've made some BIG mistakes, right? You have to learn to get your anger under control. You don't get to hit a wall next to your wife just because you're mad (in my state, you could be charged with felony domestic violence for that). And while you CAN say ugly, hurtful things if you choose to, it's not very good for your relationship. And you've been taking her for granted, letting her do all the giving (your words).
So, now what to do?
For starters, you could write your wife a long letter and tell her the things you have said here. You love her, you realize your behaviour has been unacceptable, and you want to make amends. Tell her you will give her the time she needs to think about things. Meanwhile, you will attend an anger management class. Then follow through. Whatever happens between you and your wife next, you need to learn to handle your anger in an appropriate way.
She is NOT being selfish. Everyone has the right to receive what they need from their relationships. And, your wife has not been getting what she needs from you. Right now, she does not feel loved and valued. Instead, she feels afraid for her safety. That's a pretty big deal.
The fight started over money. I saw that she had spent $40 on a manicure and I gave her a hard time about it. She said that she was tired of being mico-managed and she wanted to separate our finances - I told her that was fine but I wouldn't give her a dime out of my income (I know this was not the right thing to say, but I was angry...). When I said this I moderately banged the wall close to her arm (we were standing right beside each other). She asked if I was trying to hit her and I told her that if I was trying to hit her I would have (again, I know this was a dumb thing to say). Shortly after this unresolved argument we had a guest over for about 3 hours and we both acted completely normal. After the guest left I was on the couch thinking everything was fine and she walked to the door and said she was going to a hotel as she felt scared of me. Still mad, I told her not to come back.
I didn't expect her to get a hotel because I could not believe she was seriously afraid. I have never hit her (never would) but I do have a temper problem and I say mean things when I get mad. After an hour I realized she must have really gotten a hotel so I tried to call her and she had cut her phone off. I kept trying to call for a half an hour or so and her phone was still off. I got in my car and tried to look for her unsuccessfully. I was hurt that she left that way and turned her phone off and I showed my hurt through anger. I got very very mad and when she finally answered the phone I was a complete jerk.
I told her the I had no respect for her and regretted marrying her and wanted to try to undo the mistake I had made. She was not home but I started throwing things and just was generally in a complete state of rage. I also threw some of her clothes onto the front porch. I do have a temper, but I've never done anything like this...I know that I was wrong, but in my mind I told myself that she never should have left and turned off her phone which pushed me to the edge.
She finally returned late that night/early in the morning and we were both very calm and talked for about 30 minutes. But nothing really was resolved - I kept pushing her to talk and work things out but she was tired and didn't want to continue talking. The next morning I was mad and stubborn and wouldn't talk to her. I left that night for the trip.
Thus far I've read this post and your original post. I get the feeling that something is up with her, and you don't realize it yet. My ex-wife abruptly asked me for a divorce and I was completely dumbfounded for about the first three days...Until I discovered she'd been cheating on me for close to a year. She married that guy literally DAYS after our divorce was finalized.
You seem rather blindsided too, and judging by what you've written here it just seems way too petty for her to abruptly decide to chuck the whole marriage away. She might want you to think that's what's going on, but if I were a betting man I wouldn't put money on anything she says. It sounds like she was looking for an easy out, and the fight over a $40 manicure was what she chose to blame as the straw that broke the camel's back. This all sounds so familiar to me that it isn't even funny.
If you can afford it, my advice to you would be to hire a private investigator, even if you live in a no-fault divorce state which you most likely do. It's for YOUR peace of mind. Little alarm bells went off in my head while I was reading your post about how you're "99.9%" sure she isn't cheating on you. That's how I felt too when it happened to me. As for your wife, I'd bet the farm that this wasn't a knee-jerk response from her. These things are almost ALWAYS pre-planned. I'd check any joint accounts if I were you. My ex drained ours about a month before she dropped the bomb on me, and during that month looked me in the eye and smiled as if everything was completely normal. Never, EVER underestimate how deceptive women can be.
Really???
Is this really true???
Hitting a wall because you are angry in an argument is domestic violence?
Seriously, this nonsense has to stop!
If something like that is considered "domestic violence", it is no wonder, the numbers of domestic violence are increasing. And it doesn´t help the victims of REAL domestic violence.
This is absolutely crazy!
I bet every man has been in an argument with his girlfriend or wife where he got so angry that he broke something. This is NOT the same as hitting someone! Seriously! That has to stop! Domestic violence is a serious problem but crazy laws like that do not improve the situation.
But I have also heard that yelling at someone can be counted as "abuse" in some states. We are indeed living in crazy times. And that is the reason why I would never marry or move in together with a woman. Just one heated argument where I yell at her and the cops drag me to jail...
P.S. Would it also have counted as "domestic violence" if the woman would have smashed a plate or hit the wall close to him?
P.P.S. This is REALLY insane!
It is neither insane nor nonsense. When someone who is physically larger and stronger than you punches a wall next to you it is very frightening and threatening.
Yes, it is also domestic violence when a woman does it.
No one should break something simply because they are angry. Such a person is out of control. A mature adult learns to feel anger and yet not lose control.
If you wish to never marry or live with a woman, then don't.
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