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Old 10-14-2013, 03:36 PM
 
5 posts, read 2,151 times
Reputation: 20
Unhappy Do Toxic Marriages Work?

Hello all,
I am in a sticky situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We met through a dating site and things have been incredible since day one. We are kindred spirits as we come from similar backgrounds and together we have learned so much about how to love truly. My boyfriend and I are both Christians and we value God's will in everything. My boyfriend is separated from his wife and had been for a few months before we met. His wife cheated on him multiple time throughout their 8 year marriage.
So here is the situation; she says God has convicted her to change and she wants her husband back. My boyfriend honors marriage under God to the highest value and this has caused our relationship to pretty much end. He feels convicted by God to give her a second chance; despite his wants. He is a very honest man and he has been up front about telling me this. We both are so torn because we are in love. He doesn't trust her and he claims that if she hasn't changed, he will fight to win me back. I have no idea how two toxic people can force a marriage to work. They have literally nothing in common. She has never stayed straight enough for him to even trust her. How does this work?
He does not want to move out yet because he wants to help me pay bills while they go to marriage counseling. We are both stuck living together because there is literally no where else for him to go yet, including where she lives. Is it likely they will stay together? Should I just move on? He says we are soul mates who love each other and just cannot be together. I also know that if he doesn't do this that he ans his wife will never get closure to this relationship. I do not want a false sense of hope that we can stay together but it is rather strange that at this very moment this comes to play, we are literally unable to separate for at least the next 4 months. Please help!
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Old 10-14-2013, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Temple of Thought
9,193 posts, read 3,919,170 times
Reputation: 20180
For one thing, if your boyfriend "honors marriage under God to the highest value," he wouldn't have shacked up with you after being separated from his wife for only a few months.

For another, marriages like that don't work as much as they survive despite the interactions and lunacy of the two people in them.

I'd let him go if I were you. There is no way he can be present in any kind of relationship with you while he's going to marriage counseling with his wife. It sounds like he just wants to keep having sex with you for as long as he can before ultimately going back to his wife.

And honestly? They sound perfect for each other, as they both sound like the stereotypical holy rollers who natter on about their deities and religion while simultaneously living a life devoid of ethics or integrity.
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Old 10-14-2013, 03:45 PM
 
7,472 posts, read 5,934,856 times
Reputation: 6587
Quote:
Originally Posted by gkneeconrad View Post
Hello all,
I am in a sticky situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We met through a dating site and things have been incredible since day one. We are kindred spirits as we come from similar backgrounds and together we have learned so much about how to love truly. My boyfriend and I are both Christians and we value God's will in everything. My boyfriend is separated from his wife and had been for a few months before we met. His wife cheated on him multiple time throughout their 8 year marriage.
So here is the situation; she says God has convicted her to change and she wants her husband back. My boyfriend honors marriage under God to the highest value and this has caused our relationship to pretty much end. He feels convicted by God to give her a second chance; despite his wants. He is a very honest man and he has been up front about telling me this. We both are so torn because we are in love. He doesn't trust her and he claims that if she hasn't changed, he will fight to win me back. I have no idea how two toxic people can force a marriage to work. They have literally nothing in common. She has never stayed straight enough for him to even trust her. How does this work?
He does not want to move out yet because he wants to help me pay bills while they go to marriage counseling. We are both stuck living together because there is literally no where else for him to go yet, including where she lives. Is it likely they will stay together? Should I just move on? He says we are soul mates who love each other and just cannot be together. I also know that if he doesn't do this that he ans his wife will never get closure to this relationship. I do not want a false sense of hope that we can stay together but it is rather strange that at this very moment this comes to play, we are literally unable to separate for at least the next 4 months. Please help!
Matthew 19:9 he has grounds in Gods eyes to divorce her.

He's feeding you lines.
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Old 10-14-2013, 03:47 PM
 
5 posts, read 2,151 times
Reputation: 20
We are no longer having any sort of sexual relations at all. We are trying to be supportive of one another while he is figuring out what he wants to do.
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Old 10-14-2013, 03:52 PM
 
14,767 posts, read 7,905,438 times
Reputation: 11604
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
For one thing, if your boyfriend "honors marriage under God to the highest value," he wouldn't have shacked up with you after being separated from his wife for only a few months.

I'd let him go if I were you. There is no way he can be present in any kind of relationship with you while he's going to marriage counseling with his wife. It sounds like he just wants to keep having sex with you for as long as he can before ultimately going back to his wife.

And honestly? They sound perfect for each other, as they both sound like the stereotypical holy rollers who natter on about their deities and religion while simultaneously living a life devoid of ethics or integrity.
Agree!

At any rate OP, don't waste your time with him. Find someone who is available emotionally and free of any ties. He's playing you to feed his ego.
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Old 10-14-2013, 03:57 PM
 
Location: VA -> CO -> VA again
5,105 posts, read 3,212,798 times
Reputation: 9043
This is why most people refuse to date people who are technically still married. In the future, it's probably not a good idea to move in with a still married man after only a few months of dating. I think even when the worst marriages end, both people need to take some time before they jump into dating again. I had rotten luck dating recently divorced guys. I think men are even more afraid of being alone after a failed relationship, so they jump right back into dating to try to find someone else, but the problem is they aren't really ready. Even if your guy's wife didn't want him back, I doubt he would really be ready to be in a serious relationship with you.

Walk away. No one is worth this amount of drama. And do you really want to be with someone who is so wrapped up in his beliefs that he would rather stay with a woman who makes him miserable than get a divorce and find someone he is compatible and happy with?
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:54 PM
 
31 posts, read 10,737 times
Reputation: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by gkneeconrad View Post
Hello all,
I am in a sticky situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We met through a dating site and things have been incredible since day one. We are kindred spirits as we come from similar backgrounds and together we have learned so much about how to love truly. My boyfriend and I are both Christians and we value God's will in everything. My boyfriend is separated from his wife and had been for a few months before we met. His wife cheated on him multiple time throughout their 8 year marriage.
So here is the situation; she says God has convicted her to change and she wants her husband back. My boyfriend honors marriage under God to the highest value and this has caused our relationship to pretty much end. He feels convicted by God to give her a second chance; despite his wants. He is a very honest man and he has been up front about telling me this. We both are so torn because we are in love. He doesn't trust her and he claims that if she hasn't changed, he will fight to win me back. I have no idea how two toxic people can force a marriage to work. They have literally nothing in common. She has never stayed straight enough for him to even trust her. How does this work?
He does not want to move out yet because he wants to help me pay bills while they go to marriage counseling. We are both stuck living together because there is literally no where else for him to go yet, including where she lives. Is it likely they will stay together? Should I just move on? He says we are soul mates who love each other and just cannot be together. I also know that if he doesn't do this that he ans his wife will never get closure to this relationship. I do not want a false sense of hope that we can stay together but it is rather strange that at this very moment this comes to play, we are literally unable to separate for at least the next 4 months. Please help!
This guy sounds like a hypocrite. He is playing you like a violin! Guys like this are so smooth and make someone like you feel so good with there ace manipulation. This is so classic when it comes to guys with there mistress. He doesn't love you its all an act, dump his ass and let him go. Do you really think it will ever work being with him? He is still in a marriage and is screwing around. And if you are Christian you should know that you are all committing adultery. He is screwing with you! To know exactly what Im talking about you should really watch the TV show the mistress.... Cuz that's you.
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:19 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
15,948 posts, read 8,260,649 times
Reputation: 15830
Quote:
Originally Posted by gkneeconrad View Post
We are no longer having any sort of sexual relations at all. We are trying to be supportive of one another while he is figuring out what he wants to do.
Don't devout Christians wait until marriage to have sex?
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:22 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
12,363 posts, read 9,698,362 times
Reputation: 20867
Quote:
Originally Posted by gkneeconrad View Post
We are no longer having any sort of sexual relations at all.


SO if your timeline is accurate, he was on an online dating site 2 months after separating and BEFORE being legally divorced.

*sigh*

"Toxic" marriages can "work" if both partners are committed to making it work.

If he honors his Christian commitment, and she does the same, they will stay married. Commitment is a choice, that's all. It's not a magic spell.

If he continues to view his separation as a "free pass" to have guilt-free sex with someone else, then he's not committed and he's not treating anyone in this scenario as Jesus would want him to.
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Lansing, MI
2,691 posts, read 3,349,741 times
Reputation: 2654
There are Christians, and then there are "Christians."

He's 'undecided' because he wants to keep you as a fall back option if and when the wifey don't work out.
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