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gh! I'm going to start ranting but try to keep it organized!
Do I need to just leave her because she is the reason for everything or I am????
History
-I was in the military and deployed in Iraq. I start talking to Ashley through Facebook. We kind of start dating while I was deployed and I came home roughly 4 months for RR (rest and relaxation for 2 weeks) That's when we officially started dating. I go back to Iraq for 6 months and come home. We date for a little while and get married. At the time, it seemed right. We actually went to middle school together and dated back then as well. Plus, being married in the military = more $. A monthly housing allowance, privilege to being able to live outpost, health insurance for HER, me having a very steady income to provide for HER, I just signed a lease on a 2014 Kia SOUL because her credit is absolute ****, she owes THOUSANDS of dollars for her student loans, she did not finish college, her side of the family is absolute **** towards her, I have very nice material things in my life/apartment that is now "our's" because we finally got joint bank accounts, but before we would split everything while being married from our own accounts and I would ALWAYS pay for dinner, movies, accessories around the house, little things here and there, BUT she can grab lunch, buy coffee, food for friends, or anything that would benefit her AND when I ask her to pick up dinner on her way home from work she claims she's to tired, BUT then she comes home and we go get dinner anyways!
Present
-She had sex with 3 men while I was in Iraq ( Her ex was 1 of them )
. She lied about this for a LONG time even when I had evidence on her.
-She had nothing before me.
. I gave her a roof over her head, provided necessitates for living (clothing, love, anything and everything), my family loving her like a daughter because her mother wants nothing to do with her. Well, she lied to my mother AFTER they had been so close and she wonders why they used to be so close.
-I have ADHD, ADD, Depression, Anxiety, Night Terrors,PTSD and I'm trying to get help. I, unfortunately, abused my prescription of adderall and it lead to the night when I thought was the moment for our divorce.
All that I said was random little things that have caused issues to this day because of trust. I feel she is a pathological, compulsive, has multiple personalities, or SOMETHING. I ADMIT and KNOW I have my own issues and struggle to get the help.
THE MOMENT
-1) What I accused her of and SHE LIED ABOUT:
-Going on her Facebook account since at least last December to "search" for her ex AND my ex.
When I asked her she immediatly denied it and I gave her the benefit of the doubt and siad "let me check my account activity log and see if there are "hidden things" there." Well, immediately on the activity log it was blank. She says "see, I was not." This is when I discovered something that made my heart sink. She had been using MY facebook account since December to look up her ex and my ex! I can't even phathom this still ! AND SHE LIED ABOUT IT!!!
2) LIED ABOUT
-Same thing about instagram. She had been looking at multiple guys profiles and pictures, BUT since she didn't add them as a friend it's ok because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO ON INSTAGRAM." Wrong! When our relationship already has trust issues, you CAN NOT be doing this when you tell me it's wrong to look up girls or anything you had been accusing me of!
3) LIED ABOUT
- I threatned her I was going through her phone and look at EVERYTHING and if there was ANYTHING she deleted or MAY have, THOUGHT you may have or even you just want to say yes, to avoid me accusing you of lying. She just to say no, and what do you know...DELETED STUFF!
God I could go on and on man, but the fight were having now is because she won't admit what she did ON TOP of, me not sleeping for literally 3 days because I kicked her out untill she could tell the truth, OD on Adderall to get rid of my other mental illnesses, and the main fact that she lied and lied and lied for days on end when I threatned her with divorce.
It took the cops to take me to the VA hospital where I would spend 4 days "detoxing" on 1 floor with people who were LEGIT messed up in the head, all because I FOUND THE STUFF SHE LIED ABOUT ON ADDERALL AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM!
God! I've had it up to here with her. With out me she has nothing and I told her splitting our assests is the least of my concerns. I need to get my health to normal and my life back without this constant bull**** about lies and lies! I'm shaking now because she makes it seem to everyone else, doctors, family or anything she associates with that I"M the bad one because I have all these mental problems and I was taking to much adder all and anything she can say to bash me and get support on her side
PLEASE! Someone take the time to actually read this, in case you scrolled all the way down, I'm begging you I NEED HELP AND ADVIC
You might get some guidance, but I don't think you are going to get good help on this forum because of the complexity of what you are facing. I would suggest talking to someone at the VA hospital (a counselor, etc) because while your wife's actions and lack of actions are an overwhelming factor in your life right now, your other conditions add a complexity to things that really doesn't lend itself well to forum advice.
In fact, I would recommend you call this number tonight: 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1. That is the number for the Veterans Crisis Line and it's set up to help vets who are facing a lot of the issues you are facing. (EDIT) The link to the website if you want to check it out first is http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
I can say that I empathize with you... greatly. The story of my failed marriage is one that involved cheating and lying too and it hurts a lot and takes a long time to get over. I know exactly how you are feeling in that regard. Hang in there and I hope things improve for you soon.
You did not say you were separated from the military. There are great counseling resources that can be accessed on base as most military institutions are seeing the need for mental health services in primary care settings. Go and get help there. If indeed you are not separated, you can see someone in mental health for your very real needs of PTSD and ADD, although it is possible the ADD may curtail some of your activities. Finally, through military one source, you may access services for marital counseling, should you desire to go that route, so your marriage can be successful.
It seems there is a great need for stability and support for the two of you. What I stated to you can be shared with your wife and the two of you can get the help you need. Best of luck to both of you.
Sorry that you are going through this. Sounds like she used you for the benefits and the money. She had nothing, you even said it too. She stood to gain a lot by marrying you - a free ride. You seem like you rushed into things with her. Please, don't get involved with someone so quick again. Get yourself straight before you date again. Get help. Divorce her ASAP. Don't give her a thing unless you are forced, she's a liar and a user, forget her. Get yourself back on track and leave her far behind. Make sure all passwords are changed, and get her as far away as you can. Take care and good luck.
You keep mentioning that everything she has (material possessions and money) are because of you. . . .
While ignoring the fact that everything you have is a direct result of being in the military - and every single dollar that is transferred to you from the military is the result of the federal government using force to extract that money in the form of taxes from non-military, tax paying individuals.
So maybe she should cut the middle man out and go find a guy whose life is not entirely subsidized by the military through tax dollars.
It's time to get real here bro. I read into everything you wrote and on some level, you thought that by being a provider and enabling her to have all of the things that you said she has: once again because of you - that would mean that she would exhibit some type of sexual and emotional loyalty to you while also allowing you to maintain a certain level of power over her.
With that being said, it is hard to sympathize with you because you expected a certain outcome from your situation based on the amount of investment you made and it did not work out that way.
Welcome to the free market. . . . . of life. Now learn from it all and grow up in time to salvage what is left of your existence.
You married someone you did not know well. She has had multiple affairs. You neither seem to like, nor respect her. I didn't see anything about her wanting to change (though in this case I can't see that making a difference).
You made a mistake, and divorce may be the way to fix it.
See, getting all those military benefits you wanted as a married guy don't seem so worth it now, does it?
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Much of your story is textbook stuff. Relationships that are one sided like yours almost always end in divorce sooner or later. From what you said , it sounds like your wife does NOT want to be married to you any more and is struggling with herself about how to make it all happen. ..... You need support , not an adversary during this time in your life. Being married to this Woman is making things worse , unless she shows compassion and caring ( helping you ) I assume that is not the case here. If so , let go , get her out of your life now. ( if there is another side to this story and she actually cares , there maybe hope left, it's so hard for anyone to tell on a forum). Good Luck , you need it badly .
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