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Truly, you never know what can happen here. Does she respond to you in what feels like a more than friend way? I was still involved when I met BF, but I was in a dead relationship heading toward disaster at every turn -- though we hid this fact well. I already had intentions of leaving and did not leave because of a connection with another. In fact, had tried everything to force myself to think of him as "just a friend". When you are so drawn to someone as I was and am him, I'm not sure how possible that is. Turned out he was having the same battle and things just happened shortly after I left... even after the "we're just friends" talk. I even TRIED to get him to meet other people and find someone available who would be good him and make him happy, because honestly that's what I wanted and still do -- for him to be happy. He hasn't dated much (beyond one or two dates over 10 years ago) yet I constantly wonder how this great guy wasn't snagged years ago. The last time I tried to encourage him to start dating, he made the statement "why would i actively search for someone to be in a relationship with when I've met a great woman that I get along so well with already" ... I did not even realize that he noticed me as more than a friend and though had not planned for anything to happen between us, it has. If you click you click, but that said... don't wait for doors to open where they may not. Actively go out and put yourself on the market, if she is not interested there are plenty of women out there looking for great guys who will care for them that you also likely will be able to connect with on some level. Confusing advice, but in other words, don't shut out the possibility of something coming of it but don't wait around for it either.
I can relate myself so much with what you're saying here.
My friend has once told me that she can't wait for me to get a girlfriend because she wants to see me happy. She also mentioned that when I do get a girlfriend, that she would be jealous. Now that made me think and I still cannot understand why she would have said that. I am not dwelling on this anymore, but just mention it because it is so similar to what you've described.
Your advice is not confusing at all. I have already decided to go out there based on other people's advice here as well as yours.
I just have to stop hoping and fantasizing that things one day could possibly work out. Perhaps this is what you said might be confusing? The fact that you tried to give me hope but also warned me not to wait for doors to open?
Right now, your female friend has both the love of her boyfriend and your good friendship. She's got it all. In light of what she told you about being jealous when you get a girlfriend, I think that you should make some moves to another woman. Even just meeting a woman as a new platonic friend. You'd want to take things slowly anyway. But maybe if your female friend starts to feel pangs of jealousy, she may realize that she loves you and will consider dumping her boyfriend for you.
The important thing is to never bad mouth her boyfriend or ask her to chose between the two of you. Do not put her in a position of cheating on her boyfriend either. Even if she does break up with her boyfriend (for whatever the reason) give her time to recover and get her bearings before letting her start to date you. Throughout it all, always be her friend. If you do get lucky enough to be her next boyfriend, you want the relationship to start off right.
What about finding other hearing impaired people to be friends with?
Right now, your female friend has both the love of her boyfriend and your good friendship. She's got it all. In light of what she told you about being jealous when you get a girlfriend, I think that you should make some moves to another woman. Even just meeting a woman as a new platonic friend. You'd want to take things slowly anyway. But maybe if your female friend starts to feel pangs of jealousy, she may realize that she loves you and will consider dumping her boyfriend for you.
The important thing is to never bad mouth her boyfriend or ask her to chose between the two of you. Do not put her in a position of cheating on her boyfriend either. Even if she does break up with her boyfriend (for whatever the reason) give her time to recover and get her bearings before letting her start to date you. Throughout it all, always be her friend. If you do get lucky enough to be her next boyfriend, you want the relationship to start off right.
What about finding other hearing impaired people to be friends with?
Thank you for the advice...I really think I should give this a try, but I will not make this my number one priority...I want it to be normal and relaxed, not forced and kind of desperate. But this makes it rather difficult for me to decide what to do to move on...cause if I do try this, even over a long period and natural way, it would still mean that I haven't moved on, right?
On your question about other hearing impaired people: The problem is that I grew up in a normal hearing world...went to normal schools and university and don't really see myself as hearing impaired...therefor I only mix with normal hearing people and haven't met any deaf or hard of hearing people before, except for this friend of mine....but I will give this some more thought!
I had a chat with my friend just a few moments ago...and I am shocked at how quickly the conversation had steered into the direction of relationships again and my friend's wish that I should get a girlfriend.
Then a short while later it all came out in the open and we were discussing flirting and she mentioned that I flirted with her at one stage, but I didn't think I did and that I hid my feelings for her well...but she told me otherwise and mentioned past events where I did certain things and how obvious it was through her eyes that I was in love with her.
Man did I feel embarrassed!
Ok, so I tried this forum thing first to try and solve my problem, and within less than 24 hours...BANG...and my friend and I have discussed all the things I have heard from you people like she doesn't want me to pin my hope on her as a lost case....
So the heart is sore now, very sad....I will post tomorrow again once I have gained perspective.
Take it as a compliment that she thinks you would make a good boyfriend... for someone else. Okay, so she figured out that you are sweet on her, it shows that she is a true friend to you, notices these details and cares about your well-being. How old are you and she?
I am hard-of-hearing since birth, and to date never had a relationship with a girl.
There are many reasons and theories to this. But I will spare you the boredom!
Well anyway, I randomly met this very nice girl about 6 months ago. At first we chatted and she told me she has a boyfriend, which at that stage didn't bother me. She is a couple of years younger than me.
Now I have learned her so well through our conversations that I have realised we share so many common interests and also a very special bond: she is also hard of hearing.
We have become very good friends.....but I think I am telling myself she is the girl...and I know I want more...but being the honest and decent man I am, I have vowed to myself to never ever cross the line.
The biggest problem I experience is that I cannot get her out of my thoughts....I cannot lead a normal life....and I am waiting and hoping all the time that she will start feeling the same for me. But I know I am just wasting my precious life here. And I am scared. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but also I don't want to lose precious years that I could have found another love.
I really am desperate to discover the secret to being friends without the feelings!
I can't tell you what to do, but I will share my story with you.
When I was a very young girl, I fell in love with a boy, and loved him secretly until my senior year. I felt very much like you....
When we were seniors, he asked me out, and told me, he had felt the very same way about me...and we both decided that we were not meant to be lovers, but good friends...and we were...right up until this day.
We were two very different people...and now I realize, the importance of our friendship...and am so happy we didn't become lovers...we were not meant to be so, and if we had, we might have missed out on a very lucrative friendship.
Take it as a compliment that she thinks you would make a good boyfriend... for someone else. Okay, so she figured out that you are sweet on her, it shows that she is a true friend to you, notices these details and cares about your well-being. How old are you and she?
Yes I understand that..and I still want to be friends...just want to kill those darn feelings!
I'm 30 and she is 24. I had my doubts about the age difference, but thought it not to be too big. Could it have had an effect?
I can't tell you what to do, but I will share my story with you.
When I was a very young girl, I fell in love with a boy, and loved him secretly until my senior year. I felt very much like you....
When we were seniors, he asked me out, and told me, he had felt the very same way about me...and we both decided that we were not meant to be lovers, but good friends...and we were...right up until this day.
We were two very different people...and now I realize, the importance of our friendship...and am so happy we didn't become lovers...we were not meant to be so, and if we had, we might have missed out on a very lucrative friendship.
Hugs and good luck
creme
Thank you so much! This really is a big piece in my puzzle of perspective...and I am now really looking forward to the great friendship to come!
well for me it was ---stop obsessing about hooking up and find some hobbies. im more fun to be around now. i mean i did not turn into antonio banderas. i am not a girl magnet. i am however a cat magnet. so i guess that is progress of a sort.
yes you probably are a decent man, so am i. but women are not necessarily looking for a decent man. they might say they are and usually do consciously want somebody like you, but that is not actually what they have been programed to look for. they will go with their programming usually. lots of times its not about you. in fact if they stay with a nice guy like you they will feel guilty that "the chemistry" is not there. my solicited opinion is, move on. keep on truckin with your own life not tryin to get somebody else to fill you up. people are attracted to happy fulfilled people.
banks usually like to give loans to people that dont need them.
wow strong opinions ill sit down now, be quiet, and have a cupa coffee.
Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 11-20-2007 at 01:30 PM..
Reason: typo
Thank you so much! This really is a big piece in my puzzle of perspective...and I am now really looking forward to the great friendship to come!
I think oft times, when we share similarities, with people of the opposite sex, we mistake those similarities as our soul mate..when in fact, even though we have so many similarities, we may have other character perspectives that are not nearly close...and resolve that we are actually better for being friends all the way around. when a relationship doesn't work, we as humans tend to tell ourselves that the other person was a really bad person, so in our own minds we can cope...
So, as friendships go, some are for life, others are for a limited amount of time, but just as valuable...and just a little hint
I don't think, any time, is wasted...that all of our life experiences are in fact, lessons in life....
Hugs
Creme
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