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Old 11-19-2007, 02:27 PM
 
Location: South Africa
26 posts, read 32,621 times
Reputation: 16

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I am hard-of-hearing since birth, and to date never had a relationship with a girl.

There are many reasons and theories to this. But I will spare you the boredom!

Well anyway, I randomly met this very nice girl about 6 months ago. At first we chatted and she told me she has a boyfriend, which at that stage didn't bother me. She is a couple of years younger than me.

Now I have learned her so well through our conversations that I have realised we share so many common interests and also a very special bond: she is also hard of hearing.

We have become very good friends.....but I think I am telling myself she is the girl...and I know I want more...but being the honest and decent man I am, I have vowed to myself to never ever cross the line.

The biggest problem I experience is that I cannot get her out of my thoughts....I cannot lead a normal life....and I am waiting and hoping all the time that she will start feeling the same for me. But I know I am just wasting my precious life here. And I am scared. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but also I don't want to lose precious years that I could have found another love.

I really am desperate to discover the secret to being friends without the feelings!
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Old 11-19-2007, 02:35 PM
 
Location: in drifts of snow wherever you go
2,522 posts, read 466,566 times
Reputation: 692
The secret is that you need to put yourself out there and start dating other people, and stop putting all your eggs in one basket.

You don't want to have a fantasy relationship with one person. Fantasy because she has a boyfriend so she is not available. Recognize the reality and stay friends.

In the meantime, you need to start dating. Maybe one day things will change but you can't count on that now.
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Old 11-19-2007, 02:45 PM
 
1,810 posts, read 2,152,407 times
Reputation: 2440
I found the best way to get someone out of your mind is to do something to help yourself.

Could you volunteer for an organization where people are hard of hearing? Or a soup kitchen?
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Old 11-19-2007, 03:22 PM
 
Location: Northeastern WI
20,500 posts, read 16,833,901 times
Reputation: 37277
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMachine View Post
The secret is that you need to put yourself out there and start dating other people, and stop putting all your eggs in one basket.

You don't want to have a fantasy relationship with one person. Fantasy because she has a boyfriend so she is not available. Recognize the reality and stay friends.

In the meantime, you need to start dating. Maybe one day things will change but you can't count on that now.




First of all I wouldnt call it 'wasting your ife away' when youre the only one who feels like youre falling.....the choice is yours, to move on or stay in limbo like that. You put your life on hold...for what? She has a boyfriend already.

I was thinking the same, let it be, since shes taken. Youre gonna end up breaking your own heart by assuming that a few common interests will equal something more than friendship and that she'd dump who shes with only for that reason. If he was hurting or abusing her, there would be logic in their breaking up, but if shes happy with him, dont provoke a tremor that can turn into major devastation.

Last edited by wisconsin woman; 11-19-2007 at 03:33 PM..
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:36 PM
 
Location: California
9,678 posts, read 10,946,057 times
Reputation: 10854
Just stay friends and move on, you never know what will happen in the future so don't do anything that could end your frienship with her. Just keep a cool head and don't let your feelings control your actions.
Best of luck
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Old 11-20-2007, 01:54 AM
 
Location: South Africa
26 posts, read 32,621 times
Reputation: 16
Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies!
GreenMachine, Roaddog, Power Surge, easternerDC: I value your opinions and advice.

I have decided to stay friends, but to reduce contact and communication a little bit...hopefully this will initiate a cool-off phase and I can try and keep myself busy with other things so that my mind won't stray too often.

But no one said it would be easy right!
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Old 11-20-2007, 04:11 AM
 
Location: MN
314 posts, read 474,645 times
Reputation: 331
Friends without feelings is a tall order after you have imagined what it could be like as more.

Perhaps the 2 things you can take from this experience are:

1) Things or characteristics you find attractive in a potential SO

2) Balancing your fantasy with common sense. So often we want things to be different than they are, we can set ourselves up for heartache. In the situation you have described I think you are a winner for preserving the friendship and as another poster stated-leaving the door open for the future. Tomorrow is another day...
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Old 11-20-2007, 05:56 AM
 
20 posts, read 155,776 times
Reputation: 19
Truly, you never know what can happen here. Does she respond to you in what feels like a more than friend way? I was still involved when I met BF, but I was in a dead relationship heading toward disaster at every turn -- though we hid this fact well. I already had intentions of leaving and did not leave because of a connection with another. In fact, had tried everything to force myself to think of him as "just a friend". When you are so drawn to someone as I was and am him, I'm not sure how possible that is. Turned out he was having the same battle and things just happened shortly after I left... even after the "we're just friends" talk. I even TRIED to get him to meet other people and find someone available who would be good him and make him happy, because honestly that's what I wanted and still do -- for him to be happy. He hasn't dated much (beyond one or two dates over 10 years ago) yet I constantly wonder how this great guy wasn't snagged years ago. The last time I tried to encourage him to start dating, he made the statement "why would i actively search for someone to be in a relationship with when I've met a great woman that I get along so well with already" ... I did not even realize that he noticed me as more than a friend and though had not planned for anything to happen between us, it has. If you click you click, but that said... don't wait for doors to open where they may not. Actively go out and put yourself on the market, if she is not interested there are plenty of women out there looking for great guys who will care for them that you also likely will be able to connect with on some level. Confusing advice, but in other words, don't shut out the possibility of something coming of it but don't wait around for it either.
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Old 11-20-2007, 06:57 AM
 
Location: South Africa
26 posts, read 32,621 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by easternerDC View Post
I found the best way to get someone out of your mind is to do something to help yourself.

Could you volunteer for an organization where people are hard of hearing? Or a soup kitchen?
I see your way of thinking and I will consider it thanks.

The benefit here is that I can meet other like-minded people in the first place, and secondly it will give me something to do and distract my thoughts.

I dunno if I will find the exact organization you mentioned here, but I get the idea....the fact is that I should help myself and find something, be it this or something else. Thanks for the advice.
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Old 11-20-2007, 07:07 AM
 
Location: South Africa
26 posts, read 32,621 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by future1 View Post
Friends without feelings is a tall order after you have imagined what it could be like as more.

Perhaps the 2 things you can take from this experience are:

1) Things or characteristics you find attractive in a potential SO

2) Balancing your fantasy with common sense. So often we want things to be different than they are, we can set ourselves up for heartache. In the situation you have described I think you are a winner for preserving the friendship and as another poster stated-leaving the door open for the future. Tomorrow is another day...
It is so true what you say about nr 1. Definitely something I should keep in mind, especially because I have never dated before and therefor have no clue what characteristics I would like in a partner.

So this is not 'wasting life' but a good learning experience!
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