Dating a Girl Whose Significant Other Died 5 Weeks Ago (boyfriends, girls, love)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hey guys. I'm new to the dating scene. I'm in college and I chatted up this girl in line with me at the student union. I got her number and then looked her up on Facebook to make sure she didn't have a boyfriend (I was getting too many numbers from girls with boyfriends). Anyway, her Facebook said she was in a relationship, but I decided to gauge her interest anyway because she had given me her number.
I texted her and we had a good first date. We ate at Panera Bread and then went to play Frisbee golf. Things were going well enough for me to try to kiss her. On the last hole I asked her how confident she was that she could make the shot. She said 6. I told her that if she missed then she would have to kiss me, and if she made it, then I would buy her a big bag of her favorite candy. She was kind of iffy about it, but didn't say no. She missed the shot and I went to kiss her and she told me she couldn't. I was expecting her to tell me that she had a boyfriend, but she told me that her boyfriend had died a month ago.
After she told me there was about a 10 second awkward pause. I told her that I was sorry to hear that and that I was sure she was going through a rough time. I also told her about some free counseling services offered on campus. I told her that I was not implying that she needed it, but just wanted her to be aware of it and that I had heard it was useful. I drove her back and we got out of the car and I gave her a hug. She texted me later that she had a good time and thanked me for the date.
A few days went by and then I tried to set up another date. I really like this girl, but I also wanted to be respectful of her feelings and not rush things. I wanted to take her out for ice cream and then see a magic show later, but she said she'd rather just get ice cream. We got ice cream and had a good time. I paid again. During the date she asked me if I didn't like to text. She said that I didn't seem to text her that much. I then asked if she was giving me permission to text her more and she said yes. I dropped her off and gave her another hug. It was a better hug than the one before, but I did not try for the kiss on purpose.
I tried texting her more over the weekend. She responded, but not as enthusiastically as I hoped. So I went a full day without texting her and she ended up texting me the next day. She asked if I had been at a certain bar. I had, but it was only briefly with a friend. She said one of her friends had seen me. I explained that I'd been there, and then asked her if she was at the football game. She said she had left, and then I never texted back. Her texts were way shorter than mine, so I wasn't going to push the issue.
I was going to wait until 5 PM the next day to try to set up a 3rd date, but some of my friends suggested going to a haunted house later. I wanted to invite her, so I told her about it so she would have time to prepare if she wanted to go. I also told her some of her friends could come since it was a group thing. She said that she and her friends would probably go. However, my friends decided that they'd rather go the next weekend. I told her this and then asked if she'd rather do something similar instead since it is close to Halloween...like go on a walk at the campus cemetery. Then it hit me...(which I'm sure you have figured out now) that this was a STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID suggestion. Why the would she want to go to a cemetery when her boyfriend had just died 5 weeks prior?
She said she didn't really want to do anything. I asked her if she meant for that particular day. She said that she didn't know. After that text it hit me that I had f'ed up about the whole cemetery thing. I sent her a long ass message apologizing and explaining that i simply wanted to do something similar, and that I was a dumb ass for not thinking it through. I told her that I understood that she was still healing. I told her that she was someone I wanted to get to know. She never responded to any of this...
What do I do? I really like this girl. I know she just went through a pretty traumatic experience. I'm not sure how long she was dating this guy. She is a freshman in college. I am a genuine guy looking for a serious relationship and not a random hookup. I'm aware that we've only been on two dates and things aren't that serious. Please help me.
It's not about the cemetery (although that was awful).
It will be several years before she is ready for another relationship. And probably at least a year before she is even interested in banging a random guy.
She dated you because she thought she could put it all behind her. Now she has realised there is no way.
You're out of luck she won't be seriously dating for a while if she truly loved the other guy, best you can do is try to stay in touch but give her space and when she's ready for another serious relationship you may be her first choice.
So what's been done has been done. Where do I go from here? I'm planning on waiting a couple of days and then texting her, but not setting anything up as far as a date. Then I plan on seeing if she'll initiate the conversation after that. I'm not looking to just bang her. I felt a connection with this girl and I'm genuinely interested in her as a person. I know that doesn't change the facts on the situation, but I thought I'd just throw that out there.
If I text her or try to stay in touch, what do I say? How do I go about it?
Hey guys. I'm new to the dating scene. I'm in college and I chatted up this girl in line with me at the student union. I got her number and then looked her up on Facebook to make sure she didn't have a boyfriend (I was getting too many numbers from girls with boyfriends). Anyway, her Facebook said she was in a relationship, but I decided to gauge her interest anyway because she had given me her number.
I texted her and we had a good first date. We ate at Panera Bread and then went to play Frisbee golf. Things were going well enough for me to try to kiss her. On the last hole I asked her how confident she was that she could make the shot. She said 6. I told her that if she missed then she would have to kiss me, and if she made it, then I would buy her a big bag of her favorite candy. She was kind of iffy about it, but didn't say no. She missed the shot and I went to kiss her and she told me she couldn't. I was expecting her to tell me that she had a boyfriend, but she told me that her boyfriend had died a month ago.
...
No need to read further. She needs to process what happened to her boyfriend and I don't see how you factor into any of that. A new relationship can't possibly be a priority for her under these circumstances.
[she's not going to be emotionally available to you for a while]
Okay, fair enough. She isn't ready for dating. So how can I stay in contact with her? Should I stay in contact with her? If not, what do I say? Do I say that it isn't best for us to be talking, that I am interested in getting to know her more, and that she should contact me when she's in a better place? Basically, what should my text be? Or do I just not text her back at all? I'm planning on texting her something in a couple of days.
It sounds to me like she likes you but is/was unsure if you were serious about her.
If she has any sense (this is iffy) she will realize that you did not mean any harm with the cemetery comment. At the same time, it is true that she may not be ready to date, even though she may feel quite needy right now.
Okay, fair enough. She isn't ready for dating. So how can I stay in contact with her? Should I stay in contact with her? If not, what do I say? Do I say that it isn't best for us to be talking, that I am interested in getting to know her more, and that she should contact me when she's in a better place? Basically, what should my text be? Or do I just not text her back at all? I'm planning on texting her something in a couple of days.
Welllllll.... if you are ok with not seeing her boobs for 5 years, and with her crying on your shoulder for 2 years about her dead bf, and then going out and banging some random guys but not you, then be her friend. But even after the 5 years she might feel that you remind her too much of that bad time in her life.
Your best bet is probably to just be her facebook friend, and say hey when you run into her at parties or the grocery store. That way you can probably keep the shoulder crying to a minimum, and you might know when she is ready to date. In 5 years.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
