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I too have an autistic sibling; and I also find it amazing how casually these labels are thrown around just because a person may not like to talk much. Oh and I've also had my first at 24, so I guess I just made it out of the mental illness category by the skin of my teeth.
I wonder about the mental state of those who like to throw labels around. I personally find it rather absurd to judge someone's mental state based on his sexual experience.
I feel sad for the 20 ups that have had no sexual experience, maybe we need to find an Island for them.
So i had to learn the hard way that some people aren't aware that something's wrong with them so I had to learn avoid them for my own protection and safety.
If you're a guy with no prior relationship experience and you have a hard time talking to people even though you want to and getting dates even though you really want one and you're in your late 20s/early 30s and posting online about it? I'm uncomfortable with that because it tells me there's something there that you aren't really seeing and you aren't quite aware of that I might not want in my life. I don't want to be your test trial. And for good reason. You might not have had time to realize what's wrong with you. And I don't want to be the one you find that out through or from.
Now if you form good heathy relationships with people, you do things with your life, and you never had any relationship or sexual experience because you were busy pursuing your career or something of that nature. That's different. It says to me you have something going on in your life and you might've gotten caught up in it because you're passionate about it, etc. Maybe you tried to have a relationship with someone at some point and you realized that you cared about your career more...it's very different from someone who made relationships the central theme in their life and yet they still couldn't form a relationship.
Lack of confidence & esteem can be as a result of a disability or illness but not in my case. Just a severe lack of self worth as a result of being bullied by women at School. At Uni I shut myself away from it by studying then when some personal issues happened in my family women & relationships were way down the list.
The one thing I always wondered was why people always asked "Why are you still single" or "when are you getting yourself a girlfriend" & I always thought surely its obvious because I'm not worthy or ugly? I've realised nobody has called me ugly since School & I actually get complimented on my dress sense amongst other things. It was only me who thought I was ugly or not worthy. Whilst admittedly a tad self validating, some speaking with female friends for some honest views & based on interactions with other women I'm pretty sure now I'm not ugly & I am worthy.
Probably one hell of a comeback to go from having no girlfriend & sex-less at 31 to achieving some kind of success in these areas, but you only live once. No point moping about the past or getting down about negative things, it doesn't get you anywhere. I honestly believe things can change for me.
I feel for you.
I myself was bullied, but not by kids / girls, but by a parent. (at some point a step parent was involved as well, it was a mess.)
I'm about 3 years ahead of you though. I realized that any physical flaws that I had could be helped with diet and exercise. Otherwise, all you have to do is just talk to people.
I'm interested in the ways that people re talking about counseling and mental health issue in this thread.
I come from a subculture where the assumption is that counseling is useful for all adults. There is no stigma, and suggesting that a therapist may be useful does not imply that someone is 'broken'.
I would like to encourage the guys in this thread to consider looking at it from that perspective. Counseling helps everyone. And you are not different; it would help you just like it helps everyone else. Why deny yourself the pleasure?
I agree of course. The stigma is just overwhelming on this thread. People who don't even fit the profile are getting all upset at being considered mentally ill or somehow in need of therapy.
We even have people on this thread getting offended when they are completely within the norm. Being a virgin or not having a relationship is not an indication of a problem, IMO. I am talking about something much more extreme: No physical connection, even kissing, with the opposite or same sex by age 25 even though that is greatly desired, because the person, for some reason or another "can't" get to that place with another human.
Social anxiety is a mental illness. There is treatment available. It can be overcome-cured if you will.
Why should women take on the burden of dating someone who doesn't care enough about himself to treat his illness? I wouldn't date someone with out-of-control diabetes who refuses insulin for the same reason, or a smoker with heart disease who refuses to quit.
You need someone who has been able to stay with a woman for 10 years?
And you were the one who was trying to make guys feel like women didn't demand so much?
Oh boy.
Well, what I am asking for is just what the average guy my age has.
I have all sorts of average expectations for guys I date. I expect that he be able to handle all the usual stuff of daily life, for example -- he can cook for himself, keep his body and his clothes and his place semi-clean (and cleaner for special occasions), he can get himself to the dentist once or twice a year, and to work every day. He can make plans and goals and meet them. He can handle his emotions in an adult-like manner, not stuffing them or taking them out on others.
Sure, there are lots of guys who cannot do these average things. But I don't feel obligated to date them.
Originally Posted by NilaJones Relationship experience is more important than sexual experience, though. If you don't love the 'practice' girl and want to marry her, then it's no good. Plus it makes you a cad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Collateral
Wrong.
Also, since you are not a man you have no say in what works for a man.
You misread. I was talking about what works for me, and I am not a man.
I wonder, though, what you think of the PUA slogan that 'women are the worst source when it comes to advice about what women like'. Do you believe that someone who is not a woman has no say in what works for a woman?
Social Anxiety Disorder is a mental illness. It is possible to have a lower degree of social anxiety without meeting the criteria for diagnosis. Both can benefit from counseling.
You misread. I was talking about what works for me, and I am not a man.
I wonder, though, what you think of the PUA slogan that 'women are the worst source when it comes to advice about what women like'. Do you believe that someone who is not a woman has no say in what works for a woman?
It's like a lobster telling a shark how to be a shark. What does a lobster know about being a shark? NOTHING. Women generally give horrible dating advice because they assume all women and men think like them.
It's like a lobster telling a shark how to be a shark. What does a lobster know about being a shark? NOTHING. Women generally give horrible dating advice because they assume all women and men think like them.
I don't think this is a gender thing, human beings tend to do that a lot from time to time.
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