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Old 11-04-2013, 04:53 AM
 
16,482 posts, read 21,106,933 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelmcandrew View Post
My ex dumped me months ago now and we weren't together very long, but I fell DEEP in love with him and was very vulnerable in the situation. He was never properly committed to me and was a pretty crap boyfriend when it came down to it but I just cannot seem to forget about him. I have good days and then go completely backwards and feel like I'll never get over him. To make it worse, I have been on some terrible dates recently and just cry afterwards because I miss my ex - I'm so lonely and don't know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
It can take awhile to get over someone, especially if you were very much in love. The fact that you have had some bad dates doesn't help. Once you find that special person again you will forget about him. Try not to dwell on it, stay busy, and keep looking for that new special guy.
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Old 11-04-2013, 05:23 AM
 
Location: Dallas
5,601 posts, read 4,944,235 times
Reputation: 16459
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peacelilies View Post
What you are feeling is normal.
It will take awhile for the fantasy of your ex to catch up to what he really was in real life.
What you can do to hasten the process is to write down every crappy thing he did to you.
Make a list and put it where you can see it. When your mind decides to go on a fantasy binge, pull it out and read it to remind yourself of who he really was. With time, your painful feelings will subside and you will start thanking your lucky stars for your escape.

You don't miss him. You miss the fantasy.
Wow, excellent advice!
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Old 11-04-2013, 05:36 AM
 
Location: An Island with a View
758 posts, read 808,636 times
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Poor girl. You’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms much the same way a junkie would in rehab. It is a biological thing. Sorry if my analogy sounds harsh but that’s a fact. Setting yourself up with somebody else will make it even worst. It just prolongs and intensifies your craving for the “Good Old Times”, so to speak. You’re looking for a new drug to replace the old one. But the old one was way too different and too strong to be replaced.

What you need is to be REALLY alone for an extensive period of time and let time heel your wound. In time, you body will lose that constant craving and you’ll feel much better. You won’t forget the past relationship with this person but you won’t feel it either. Yes, you may die a little in the process, but such is the cruel reality of love. Some people have all the luck while others have burning hell.

Love is drug, my dear. Choose your poison carefully.
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Old 11-04-2013, 06:02 AM
 
Location: NY
176 posts, read 302,105 times
Reputation: 228
I feel for you! I am in a similar situation. My ex bf was a complete jerk and it is a year later and while each day does get easier, I still miss him like crazy.

As other posters have said though, I think I miss who I thought he was rather than who he really turned out to be.

It will take time to get over him, but try to stay focused on keeping yourself busy, take time to heal before jumping into a new relationship and believe that you deserve better than what you had with him.
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Old 11-04-2013, 06:16 AM
 
14,445 posts, read 17,396,277 times
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What a great thread. I think it's really interesting to see that most people get over their ex by focusing on the crappy things they did.
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Old 11-04-2013, 07:08 AM
 
10,391 posts, read 9,401,122 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelmcandrew View Post
My ex dumped me months ago now and we weren't together very long, but I fell DEEP in love with him and was very vulnerable in the situation. He was never properly committed to me and was a pretty crap boyfriend when it came down to it but I just cannot seem to forget about him. I have good days and then go completely backwards and feel like I'll never get over him. To make it worse, I have been on some terrible dates recently and just cry afterwards because I miss my ex - I'm so lonely and don't know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Isn't it odd when we claim to be in love with someone, but state in the same breath all the negatives about that person? Makes us stop and wonder what it was in the first place that made us think we loved someone who was not good for us.

Break-ups are traumatic, and unfortunately we can get into a pattern of forgetting the bad things and just think about the good things.

You're going to have to sit down and make two lists: one listing the positive things about the guy; and the other will be the negative things. You'll soon find that the negative list is much longer.

Spend more time with your friends/family, etc., and ease up on the dating for a bit. Get more involved in activities that will keep you from dwelling on a person who was not good for you. And hopefully you're not sitting around listening to music that reminds you of Mr. Wrong.

Oh, and when you do seek Mr. Right, make darn sure that he's not Mr. Always Right.

Time truly is a healer!
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Old 11-04-2013, 07:59 AM
 
22,769 posts, read 26,240,462 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelmcandrew View Post
My ex dumped me months ago now and we weren't together very long, but I fell DEEP in love with him and was very vulnerable in the situation. He was never properly committed to me and was a pretty crap boyfriend when it came down to it but I just cannot seem to forget about him. I have good days and then go completely backwards and feel like I'll never get over him. To make it worse, I have been on some terrible dates recently and just cry afterwards because I miss my ex - I'm so lonely and don't know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
get out there and go find yourself another jackass
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Old 11-10-2013, 03:31 PM
 
56 posts, read 69,391 times
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Wow, this thread turned out to be really, really interesting - I've done the list thing and MAN has it helped. I've had a few moments where I've burst into tears randomly over something that has reminded me of him, and then I just go back and read the list (which I've saved into the Notes app in my iPhone) and the tears just stop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katie45 View Post
Isn't it odd when we claim to be in love with someone, but state in the same breath all the negatives about that person? Makes us stop and wonder what it was in the first place that made us think we loved someone who was not good for us.
This forum is full of absolutely wonderful people - I can't believe how great some of the advice is I've got on this thread. Thank you all so much.

Katie45 - Completely. I loved him because at the beginning he came on really strong and made me feel really special. We talked constantly about anything and everything. He made me laugh til my stomach hurt. He completely understood me. I could completely be myself with him. We had amazing sex. He could be very supportive, thoughtful and sweet and he gave me the most incredibly thoughtful presents for Valentine's Day and my birthday.

However, on the flipside, he wouldn't allow me anywhere near his social media accounts and when I found his Twitter feed, it was full of flirty tweets at celebrities and his 'female friends' (dated from throughout the time I had been seeing him). He told me at the beginning of our relationship that 'getting him to commit is like getting a fish to ride a bicycle'. He told me he's never, ever been in love with anyone, in spite of having a number of long-term relationships. He started to flake on plans and stood me up towards the end of our relationship. He could never, ever commit to plans in advance, especially if they were a few weeks away. And ultimately broke up with me because he said he didn't want to be 'responsible for my feelings'.

The bad things ultimately outweighed the good, because I wanted a real relationship that progressed and where I was part of his life. But I do really miss the good parts of the relationship - particularly the way we could just be completely ourselves with each other. At the moment, I'm not very optimistic about finding that again. It seemed like a once in a lifetime chemistry. It's also been hard because although we split up months ago now, he continued to text me (even though I wouldn't respond) for months afterwards which kept hurting me even more.
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Old 11-10-2013, 03:37 PM
 
Location: The Great West
2,077 posts, read 2,026,193 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
You poor girl.
Maybe you'll just get tired of being sad one day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
What a great thread. I think it's really interesting to see that most people get over their ex by focusing on the crappy things they did.
Ok, well I guess you expect people to get over breakups right away. What else do you suggest people should do to get over their exes? Oh, just accept that the relationship was nice but now it's over and be all positive about it? Guess what - that isn't how people feel right after a breakup happens. It's how they MIGHT feel much, much later.

No one cares for your sarcasm, btw.
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Old 11-10-2013, 03:49 PM
 
56 posts, read 69,391 times
Reputation: 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by bolillo_loco View Post
For at least ten years, I missed my ex-wife. I'd go places where we used to laugh and I'd just break down crying. Whenever I saw raven haired beauties, I'd instantly think of her and become teary eyed. That period of my life ranks high on some of the most painful things in live I've ever endured!

After yet another horrible first date, I'd rush home to the comfort of my bed, as I cried myself to sleep wondering why they couldn't be more like her! I'd be out with a new woman and in minutes, I'd figure out how she and I were completely incompatible, and I'd find my thoughts wishing every woman was my ex-wife! I began using her as a yardstick to measure every woman I met!

One day I was out riding my mountain bike on an old rail trail. After I finished up my ride, I sat on a bridge taking in the splendor of Mother Nature when blissful thought was interrupted by a laden tractor trailer smashing over an expansion joint of a bridge overlooking my location. As I looked up at the bridge, I began thinking about how many times I'd hit that same bump in the road. Then the four horsemen showed up, and dour thoughts flooded my mind. I remembered how the ex-wife used to alluringly jiggle as we bounced over it, and heart wrenching tears instantly welled up. All I could think of was "here we go again! Is this going to set my mood for the entire day? How much longer must I exist thinking about a woman who left me?" Then for some unknown reason, I began thinking about all the things I couldn't stand about her. How the TV was always more important than me, how she was never there emotionally for me, and my tears instantly dried up, the gripping pain in my chest ebbed away, and calmness washed across my face. As I finished cycling the remaining 3 miles back to my house, my thoughts concentrated on just how poor of a soul mate she was rather than how perfect she was and dearly missed.

From that day onward, whenever I found myself thinking of her, I reminded myself about all the things I could not stand about that woman, and most of all, she just summarily dismissed me when her loins burned for other men! I reran every negative tape I had on file for that woman, and after 7 years of marriage, I had plenty. That's what I did to end my unrequited love affair with a woman who was obviously done with me!

Best of luck,
bolillo
Thank you so much for this - you're a great writer and it was a beautiful and inspiring read Best of luck to you too - I hope you find a much better love in the future
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