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Old 11-04-2013, 10:16 PM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,456,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rohirette View Post
First of all, natural family planning is NOT the rhythm method. The fact that this girl avoided pregnancy for 3 years almost certainly indicates that she was observing fertility signs, not just ticking days off on the calendar.
OP said:

Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo2222 View Post
Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms.
Sounds like the rhythm method to me. I had that thing drummed into my head by many a nun in Catholic high school.

Regardless, no natural method is worth the effort or risk. Just slap the bleepin' condom on and deal with it. For heaven's sake, she's not the one wearing the thing, female physiology and the location of nerve endings being confined to the outer third of the vagina mean that she's not going to feel any difference unless she needs lube and doesn't use it, and what woman actually enjoys reliquified squick dripping down her leg half an hour later? Barring latex allergies, usually if anyone doesn't want to use a condom, it's the man. And yet they do, because they don't want to be fathers. But if one MUST buy into the hokey b.s. of "I don't want there to be anything between us," then get up on the table and get fitted for a diaphragm or get an IUD inserted. Smart women take control of their reproductive fate and don't leave it up to chance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rohirette View Post
More to the point: I do not believe that this proves that she is untrustworthy. The only thing it proves is that when pregnancy was an abstract thought early in a relationship, she took it much less seriously than she does now - in love, carrying the child of the man that she loves.

I find the women who are stating that they would have the abortion 'just because they said they would,' even if it now seems abhorent and they want the baby somewhat stomach turning.
Well, now that's ironic. You're talking about love. A woman in love remembers her promise to a man and does not fug up his life by flipping a switch because one of his sperm got into one of her eggs and then foisting an unwanted child upon him when they both agreed they did not want kids at that point. If she really wants this kid, she needs to be prepared for the fact that she may very well lose the man she claims to love.

But I'll go one further: If she really loved him, she wouldn't have used such a stupid, useless form of birth control or said something as idiotic as "I don't like condoms." The woman is in her 30s, not 14. She'd have dealt with it the way millions of men deal with it every dang day, as something less than ideal, but necessary.

Don't get me wrong: He was utterly foolish to go along with something so inane. But I think it pretty stomach-churning the way so many people here want to paint this chick as a saint. Exactly what kind of life is she going to give this kid, anyway, if she ends up on her own, without him? Let's hope she makes a lot of money and has a supportive family, or she'll end up on the dole. Seems no one here is actually considering the kind of life the KID will have.

I'm a feminist, but part of that means understanding that with the right and power to carry or terminate a pregnancy comes GREAT responsibility. She apparently has none. Good luck to her with mothering.

Last edited by Lilac110; 11-04-2013 at 11:23 PM..

 
Old 11-04-2013, 11:29 PM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
10,713 posts, read 10,105,593 times
Reputation: 14173
I would never make such an agreement. She's in her 30s, obviously not on the same page as you, and when actually pregnant has a change of heart....doesn't really surprise me. Both of you elicit a head shake. You screwed up in a big way. You took a chance, hit the button and landed a whammy.

She also better wisen up and realize she's going to be a single mom.
 
Old 11-05-2013, 05:44 AM
 
1,193 posts, read 1,528,968 times
Reputation: 3439
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
He was utterly foolish to go along with something so inane. But I think it pretty stomach-churning the way so many people here want to paint this chick as a saint. Exactly what kind of life is she going to give this kid, anyway, if she ends up on her own, without him? Let's hope she makes a lot of money and has a supportive family, or she'll end up on the dole. Seems no one here is actually considering the kind of life the KID will have.
And I think it's laughable how a few (including the OP) are trying to write the OP as a victim when he chose to have unprotected sex. Chose. Period. And I don't see anyone calling her a saint, I just see people pointing out that they both were equally dumb about this, rather than what the OP is asserting, which is he is some sort of victim. Of his own stupidity, maybe. Anything else? Not really.

From the statements he's made about how his family will feel about it and how he will feel about it, doesn't sound like the kid will end up so bad at all. Except for the question mark as to what kind of father his father will choose to be.
 
Old 11-05-2013, 05:55 AM
 
375 posts, read 315,632 times
Reputation: 474
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
and i think it's laughable how a few (including the op) are trying to write the op as a victim when he chose to have unprotected sex. Chose. Period. And i don't see anyone calling her a saint, i just see people pointing out that they both were equally dumb about this, rather than what the op is asserting, which is he is some sort of victim. Of his own stupidity, maybe. Anything else? Not really.

From the statements he's made about how his family will feel about it and how he will feel about it, doesn't sound like the kid will end up so bad at all. Except for the question mark as to what kind of father his father will choose to be.
+1
 
Old 11-05-2013, 06:08 AM
 
Location: NY
9,070 posts, read 14,953,823 times
Reputation: 11498
The two of you had unprotected sex. You were trying to pay attention to ovulation to reduce the risk of pregnancy, but that is certainly no guarantee as you see now.

You took the risk, and now there is a pregnancy.

Which, is the point here that many seem to miss. The OP knew there was a risk of pregnancy in their actions. As such, it sounds like him and his GF agreed that should a pregnancy occur (which they knew was a possibility) they would seek to have an abortion instead of bringing the child into the world.

Now, the GF has changed her mind, after the fact and the OP is rather upset with that, since he was willing to TAKE the risk of pregnancy in their relationship feeling secure in the knowledge that if one occured they were not going to deliver the baby.

So yes OP, I see where you would be upset and feel the bond of trust is broken. I do agree with those who think it is a little short sighted to rely on abortion as birth control too, but I am not here to pass some moral judgement on your choices.

I think you should take a day or two to gather your thoughts and regroup. Try to see things from your GF's perspective here. There must be a reason she has changed her mind. Maybe she desires a child of her own, and being in her 30's is feeling her reproductive clock ticking. There is also a reason you have been with her and building a relationship. Feeling lied to is damaging to a relationship, but this is also an extraordinary situation with high stakes for both of you, as well as whether or not a new life is allowed to come into the world.

Since you indicate a desire for the child too, maybe you should really consider with her how the two of you may approach raising the child, given your work schedule. I am sure your not the only father with long hours.
 
Old 11-05-2013, 09:06 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,456,740 times
Reputation: 28900
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
And I think it's laughable how a few (including the OP) are trying to write the OP as a victim when he chose to have unprotected sex. Chose. Period. And I don't see anyone calling her a saint, I just see people pointing out that they both were equally dumb about this, rather than what the OP is asserting, which is he is some sort of victim. Of his own stupidity, maybe. Anything else? Not really.

From the statements he's made about how his family will feel about it and how he will feel about it, doesn't sound like the kid will end up so bad at all. Except for the question mark as to what kind of father his father will choose to be.
I wonder how many women would just be all "ooh, you said you didn't want a child but look, now here is one, YAY!" if they were the man in this situation. My guess is not many, although some of them sure sound like they expect the OP to just put on his happy face and suck it up with no emotions of his own.

No one is saying he is blameless. I'm certainly not. But I do think he has a right to be angry or upset about all of this, and her "change of heart." I, for one, could not imagine telling someone I did not want a kid and would have an abortion if I did not mean it or there was even an infinitesimal chance I'd change my mind. That's not something you mess around with. People need to think, long and hard, about stuff like this before opening their yaps, never mind making the effort to write it out, whether it's legally binding or not. I guess there are a lot of grown women out there who don't take this kind of thing seriously unless or until it happens, or who don't know their own hearts and minds well enough to stay a course. I'm not one of them. Kids are an either/or proposition to me, not something that oops, just happen.

At any rate, I still say something stinks of entrapment, and that he should get a paternity test when the kid is born. Call it one of those gut feelings. And I definitely would not marry her. If I were in his shoes, every time she made some kind of promise to me, I'd be thinking, "until you change your mind," and that would include marriage vows.

Oh, well, no point in flogging a dead horse. I have my opinion. Everyone else has theirs. I hope things work out for the OP.
 
Old 11-05-2013, 09:09 AM
 
375 posts, read 315,632 times
Reputation: 474
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
I wonder how many women would just be all "ooh, you said you didn't want a child but look, now here is one, YAY!" if they were the man in this situation. My guess is not many, although some of them sure sound like they expect the OP to just put on his happy face and suck it up with no emotions of his own.

No one is saying he is blameless. I'm certainly not. But I do think he has a right to be angry or upset about all of this, and her "change of heart." I, for one, could not imagine telling someone I did not want a kid and would have an abortion if I did not mean it or there was even an infinitesimal chance I'd change my mind. That's not something you mess around with. People need to think, long and hard, about stuff like this before opening their yaps, never mind making the effort to write it out, whether it's legally binding or not. I guess there are a lot of grown women out there who don't take this kind of thing seriously unless or until it happens, or who don't know their own hearts and minds well enough to stay a course. I'm not one of them. Kids are an either/or proposition to me, not something that oops, just happen.

At any rate, I still say something stinks of entrapment, and that he should get a paternity test when the kid is born. Call it one of those gut feelings. And I definitely would not marry her. If I were in his shoes, every time she made some kind of promise to me, I'd be thinking, "until you change your mind," and that would include marriage vows.

Oh, well, no point in flogging a dead horse. I have my opinion. Everyone else has theirs. I hope things work out for the OP.
Have you ever been pregnant?
 
Old 11-05-2013, 09:13 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,456,740 times
Reputation: 28900
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers View Post
Have you ever been pregnant?
Already covered that upthread. Do your homework.
 
Old 11-05-2013, 09:15 AM
 
375 posts, read 315,632 times
Reputation: 474
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
Already covered that upthread. Do your homework.
It's 21 freaking pages long and I dont sit here 24/7/365 reading an entire thread.

Give me a freaking break.......
 
Old 11-05-2013, 09:19 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,456,740 times
Reputation: 28900
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers View Post
It's 21 freaking pages long and I dont sit here 24/7/365 reading an entire thread.

Give me a freaking break.......
And I don't have the time to repeat myself and don't particularly give a crap what you or anyone else have to say. I know my own mind, and have since I was a teenager. Too bad. You'll have to take the ad hominem crap elsewhere.
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