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If you have unprotected sex and then create a contract stating that if by the off chance you do get pregnant then you'll have an abortion, then yes it is birth control via abortion.
Id rather be known as a father, than someone that kept my word even if I didnt want to.
We aren't going to get in a debate regarding the term "pro-choice".
Again, she used the rhythm method. It is not a reliable form of contraception, but it IS a form of contraception. When I was of child-bearing age, I used multiple forms of contraception, including the Pill and condoms, even when married. Every single time. That is how much I did NOT want children. And you know what? I told every man, including my ex-husband, that if there was some bizarre twist of fate that I got pregnant, I would terminate the pregnancy. Her contraceptive method may have been different, and it may have been less reliable, but the premise is the same. She (allegedly) tried to prevent a pregnancy and didn't.
However, my thinking is that she wasn't that serious about preventing pregnancy, in the first place. If she really didn't want kids and didn't like condoms, she'd have gone on the Pill, and if she couldn't handle hormonal methods of contraception, she'd have gotten a diaphragm or a hormone-free IUD. Women who really, truly, honestly don't want children put their money where their mouths are and take measures to ensure they don't get pregnant in the first place. Then they don't have to worry about signing pieces of paper and being in the situation the OP's GF is in now. They handle sex and contraception like adults. I figured this out at 16, long before I became sexually active. There is no excuse for a woman in her early 30s. None.
And no, if you are going to pass judgment on a woman who would have an abortion because her birth control, cockamame method though it is, failed, then you are not pro-choice.
Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.
She's now pregnant and doesn't want to get an abortion.
I understand it's her legal right, etc. This isn't a Constitutional law quiz.
What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust. She wants to keep the relationship and would like to get married to me.
Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of not raising my child - instead I would be a weekend father if she allows it, which makes me feel like some deadbeat person that is running away from being a parent.
If she has the child then I would want it to grow up with its mom and dad but I just can't seem to trust her anymore after she backed out of an agreement that I entered because of her stupid ovulation calendar plan that she would not stop pressuring me into going along with.
I love her and am unsure what to do. Should I just take it day by day week by week if she doesn't have an abortion and then, say, break up with her if I feel the trust is so broken that I can't be in a relationship with her anymore?
The other thing is that it feels wrong and is a bit embarassing from a societal standpoint (friends, family, coworkers, etc) to be in a relationship with a pregnant woman but not be married (plus it would be weird for the kid). But I don't know if I can marry her because I feel so betrayed.
SHE pressured YOU? Are you and adult?
Can you make your own decisions? Then YOUR CHOICE was to either use a condom all the time or NOT HAVE SEX..........see.......easy.... NO PRESSURE.
This is not ONLY HER fault, this is the fault of both of you. Wanting your cake and eat it as well.
Absolute birth control is NO SEX at all so if you were that concerned about her getting pregnant you would not have participated in the activities of the sexually responsible.
Honestly, "embarassing from a societal standpoint"? What is so embarassing about it? That fact that
BOTH of YOU in your 30's "accidentially" created a child. Time to grow up since you have a child on the way.
Just because she signed some stupid non legal piece of paper that said she would get an abortion does not mean she was actually going to do it.
Neither one of you is mature and adult enough to even have sex let alone be in a relationship or marriage with a child coming in a few months.
Again, she used the rhythm method. It is not a reliable form of contraception, but it IS a form of contraception. When I was of child-bearing age, I used multiple forms of contraception, including the Pill and condoms, even when married. Every single time. That is how much I did NOT want children. And you know what? I told every man, including my ex-husband, that if there was some bizarre twist of fate that I got pregnant, I would terminate the pregnancy. Her contraceptive method may have been different, and it may have been less reliable, but the premise is the same. She (allegedly) tried to prevent a pregnancy and didn't.
However, my thinking is that she wasn't that serious about preventing pregnancy, in the first place. If she really didn't want kids and didn't like condoms, she'd have gone on the Pill, and if she couldn't handle hormonal methods of contraception, she'd have gotten a diaphragm or a hormone-free IUD. Women who really, truly, honestly don't want children put their money where their mouths are and take measures to ensure they don't get pregnant in the first place. Then they don't have to worry about signing pieces of paper and being in the situation the OP's GF is in now. They handle sex and contraception like adults. I figured this out at 16, long before I became sexually active. There is no excuse for a woman in her early 30s. None.
I guess I'm confused about why she is the only one being held responsible for protection. I mean, if you state if she was really serious about preventing pregnancy she would have done everything to prevent it, if that's the case, then why didn't the OP as well? I mean, if he really didn't want to have kids, then why didn't he do everything under the sun to keep it from happening. If you're man enough to stick your penis in someone unprotected, then you have to be man enough to handle the consequences, regardless of a contract.
That's why when you are certain you never want kids, go get a vasectomy and never tell her. When she comes to you saying she is pregnant, you can laugh at her, its happened a million times to men who took this route. Your GF simply changed her mind, you shouldn't really be this bitter about this. And posting this on CDR, what else did you expect but bunch of female posters jumping all over you, to paint you as the bad guy in this equation. Because you are a man. She is the victim, and that's the way it must be. Know who youre dealing with, and base your future actions on that.
I guess I'm confused about why she is the only one being held responsible for protection. I mean, if you state if she was really serious about preventing pregnancy she would have done everything to prevent it, if that's the case, then why didn't the OP as well? I mean, if he really didn't want to have kids, then why didn't he do everything under the sun to keep it from happening. If you're man enough to stick your penis in someone unprotected, then you have to be man enough to handle the consequences, regardless of a contract.
Believe me. I think he was foolish to rely on such a ridiculous method of contraception, himself.
Between two adults, this is how the conversation would have gone:
Him: I don't want kids right now.
Her: I don't like condoms.
Him: Are you on the Pill or have an IUD or anything?
Her: I want to use the calendar method.
Him: You sure? Because that's not reliable.
Her: Yes, I'm sure.
Him: Okay, then you need to find another boyfriend because I'm not taking that kind of chance. Nice knowing you. Kthxbai.
I would take sympathy with him if he didn't put all the blame on the GF, which is what he's doing.
He doesn't require sympathy. I just find it hypocritical for someone to suggest that he doesn't know where someone else is coming from if they don't either.
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Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers
I don't think they people were saying "you idiot, you deserve it"
Oh, many definitely are.
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Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers
i think people are telling him he needs to step up to the plate and do the right thing here.
He already said he is. Seems like a moot point to hammer it in.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers
He needs to accept some of the blame here. Sometimes the advice you get is not the advice you want.
I don't see how "accepting blame" and "getting advice" are linked. Is this to imply that you'd withhold advice unless he feels bad about his actions? [/quote]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers
Personally, I think he'll regret acting the way he is.
I'd like to know of any other people on this forum that acted liked this when they found out they were going to have a child, and if they regret it now?
Depends on what you mean by "acted like this". Unless I missed it, the OP only conveyed his thoughts/emotions....we don't know how he actually dealt with the woman, or if he even mentioned it to her at all (like I said, if he did, I missed it).
For what it's worth, I've been through a situation loosely related to this, which is obviously why I have so much vested interest on his behalf. I was with a woman, she went off birth control without telling me in the interest of "having a child to save our relationship"....and you all know how THAT works. Once we got to the point where we knew the relationship wasn't salvageable, we agreed on adoption, as she is pro-life. Then she changed her mind once I was promoted to a position that paid substantially more than I was making (enough where her support prevents her need to work at all), and the rest is history.
I certainly don't regret the hostile feelings I had about the situation at the time, as they haven't changed much since then. But most of all, I certainly empathize with being a situation that involved 50% fault in creation, but 0% of control in handling.
Believe me. I think he was foolish to rely on such a ridiculous method of contraception, himself.
Between two adults, this is how the conversation would have gone:
Him: I don't want kids right now.
Her: I don't like condoms.
Him: Are you on the Pill or have an IUD or anything?
Her: I want to use the calendar method.
Him: You sure? Because that's not reliable.
Her: Yes, I'm sure.
Him: Okay, then you need to find another boyfriend because I'm not taking that kind of chance. Nice knowing you. Kthxbai.
Totally agree, but he didnt walk, he screwed, now he's got to be a man about it.
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