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Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.
She's now pregnant and doesn't want to get an abortion.
I understand it's her legal right, etc. This isn't a Constitutional law quiz.
What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust. She wants to keep the relationship and would like to get married to me.
Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of not raising my child - instead I would be a weekend father if she allows it, which makes me feel like some deadbeat person that is running away from being a parent.
If she has the child then I would want it to grow up with its mom and dad but I just can't seem to trust her anymore after she backed out of an agreement that I entered because of her stupid ovulation calendar plan that she would not stop pressuring me into going along with.
I love her and am unsure what to do. Should I just take it day by day week by week if she doesn't have an abortion and then, say, break up with her if I feel the trust is so broken that I can't be in a relationship with her anymore?
The other thing is that it feels wrong and is a bit embarassing from a societal standpoint (friends, family, coworkers, etc) to be in a relationship with a pregnant woman but not be married (plus it would be weird for the kid). But I don't know if I can marry her because I feel so betrayed.
The refusal of the pill and condoms should have been a red flag for you. If you were that uncomfortable with the possibility of becoming a parent you should not have had sex with her. I'm not sure what advice to give you on staying or going. I mean you can't trust your girlfriend so what's the point of staying with her unless you want to do it just for the sake of the child. You have a lot to think about. Good luck.
Let me say this as well, this my friend can also be a blessing in disguise for you.
It's cliche to say it, or people that don't have kids believe it is, but when you do, you understand it. Kids are heaven, they are the greatest thing in the world. Personally I think you'll look back on this in a few years and be disgusted with yourself for acting the way you are.
You're going to have a mini you, a person to spend the rest of your life with. A person that will make you smile or laugh for doing the smallest things. A person that love will know no bounds to, a person that will look up to you like a hero.
Cherish this, embrace it and do the right thing here.
Let me say this as well, this my friend can also be a blessing in disguise for you.
It's cliche to say it, or people that don't have kids believe it is, but when you do, you understand it. Kids are heaven, they are the greatest thing in the world. Personally I think you'll look back on this in a few years and be disgusted with yourself for acting the way you are.
You're going to have a mini you, a person to spend the rest of your life with. A person that will make you smile or laugh for doing the smallest things. A person that love will know no bounds to, a person that will look up to you like a hero.
Cherish this, embrace it and do the right thing here.
If it was me raising the child by myself or with another woman, fine. It's my GF that's the problem. I can barely stand the sight of her after her lying to me. Yet she'll get to keep the baby, which puts me in a crappy position since I doubt I'll want to be with her.
If it was me raising the child by myself or with another woman, fine. It's my GF that's the problem. I can barely stand the sight of her after her lying to me. Yet she'll get to keep the baby, which puts me in a crappy position since I doubt I'll want to be with her.
Then you find a way to get past that, you have to if you want to have a relationship with your child.
Not trying to be rude or anything, but man up, if there's ever a time in your life to do so, now's the time.
If it was me raising the child by myself or with another woman, fine. It's my GF that's the problem. I can barely stand the sight of her after her lying to me. Yet she'll get to keep the baby, which puts me in a crappy position since I doubt I'll want to be with her.
You can always try for sole custody but you'd likely get joint.
There's really not much to discuss regarding your relationship with her if you continue to feel this way.
Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.
Rule#1:
You do not have a say in what she does with her body.
If a man did not want children, he will either get snipped or get with a woman who is serious about birth control/condoms and every form of protection.
You demanding on paper that she gets an abortion is like signing her up for dowry. You don't own her. The moment she said no pills was when you should have thought with your brains instead of your scrotal sack.
Time to go to Dr. Epstein and get your flappy tubes clipped.
Let me say this as well, this my friend can also be a blessing in disguise for you.
It's cliche to say it, or people that don't have kids believe it is, but when you do, you understand it. Kids are heaven, they are the greatest thing in the world. Personally I think you'll look back on this in a few years and be disgusted with yourself for acting the way you are.
You're going to have a mini you, a person to spend the rest of your life with. A person that will make you smile or laugh for doing the smallest things. A person that love will know no bounds to, a person that will look up to you like a hero.
Cherish this, embrace it and do the right thing here.
Disagree. I am the father of a 13 YO girl, whom I adore more than anything else in the world. But her mother filled me with all kinds of promises about how we would raise her, and what kind of parents we'd be, and wouldn't be. When she was born, it all changed, and I was completely shut out. I was told time and time again that she was the mother, and if I didn't like it I could get Mod cut: language. out. (Literally). I worked on our marriage and our parenting for years, before I realized she was telling the truth. Up until that time, I was not allowed to contribute anything to my child, other than a toxic household and a bad environment.
I finally "got Snip. out". It took a couple years of healing between my daughter and me, but we now have a very strong relationship, and things are better (still plenty of work to be done).
Different reasons, but I was in a VERY similar situation to OP. "Doing the right thing" is relative, and in my case, "doing the right thing" as defined by society only brought more hurt to me, my ex, and my daughter. Especially my daughter. The scars are still there. She's way better now then she was, but but you can't turn back time.
So say what you will (and have whatever opinion you want about abortion, it's your right), but for you to sit on the sidelines and pass judgement on the OP, or to feel like you can project your values onto him, well it just doesn't work like that. Even if your values are right for you, they are clearly not right for OP, and therefore he won't be able to make them work.
"Man up and do it for the kid" is the wrong answer. The ONLY right answer is whatever one the OP and his GF figure out together and make work together. I wish them the best, it's going to be tough, and they'll need all the positive reinforcement they can come accross.
You should just see how it goes. You are 30 not 16. Even on birth control a woman can get pregnant. Both of you should discuss the propabilty of this happening. First I want to question you as a human being wanting to kill your own offspring. Like others have said it takes two to tango. If you sit down and work out the issue and finances perhaps it can work.Many say they don't want a child. I didn't myself. But parenthood changes you. I became extremely unselfish. I wanted the best for him. It is the woman's body. The note won't hold up in court. What will hold up in court is your income and family atmospere. Yes you may of been deceived but you must think of the future. Don't be that crappy dad that so many precious children have. Man up. Unfortunely if you choose to leave it will be in the courts hands.
I wish you tons of luck and blessings to your child.
Disagree. I am the father of a 13 YO girl, whom I adore more than anything else in the world. But her mother filled me with all kinds of promises about how we would raise her, and what kind of parents we'd be, and wouldn't be. When she was born, it all changed, and I was completely shut out. I was told time and time again that she was the mother, and if I didn't like it I could get Snip. out. (Literally). I worked on our marriage and our parenting for years, before I realized she was telling the truth. Up until that time, I was not allowed to contribute anything to my child, other than a toxic household and a bad environment.
I finally "got Snip. out". It took a couple years of healing between my daughter and me, but we now have a very strong relationship, and things are better (still plenty of work to be done).
Different reasons, but I was in a VERY similar situation to OP. "Doing the right thing" is relative, and in my case, "doing the right thing" as defined by society only brought more hurt to me, my ex, and my daughter. Especially my daughter. The scars are still there. She's way better now then she was, but but you can't turn back time.
So say what you will (and have whatever opinion you want about abortion, it's your right), but for you to sit on the sidelines and pass judgement on the OP, or to feel like you can project your values onto him, well it just doesn't work like that. Even if your values are right for you, they are clearly not right for OP, and therefore he won't be able to make them work.
"Man up and do it for the kid" is the wrong answer. The ONLY right answer is whatever one the OP and his GF figure out and make work. I wish them the best, it's going to be tough, and they'll need all the positive reinforcement they can come accross.
Let it be clear, im not telling him to stay with the gf, I'm telling him to man up and do the right thing, as in be a father to his child.
If it was me raising the child by myself or with another woman, fine. It's my GF that's the problem. I can barely stand the sight of her after her lying to me. Yet she'll get to keep the baby, which puts me in a crappy position since I doubt I'll want to be with her.
Guess you should have thought about this before having unprotected sex.
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