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Old 11-04-2013, 10:17 AM
 
19 posts, read 29,941 times
Reputation: 31

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Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.

She's now pregnant and doesn't want to get an abortion.

I understand it's her legal right, etc. This isn't a Constitutional law quiz.

What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust. She wants to keep the relationship and would like to get married to me.

Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of not raising my child - instead I would be a weekend father if she allows it, which makes me feel like some deadbeat person that is running away from being a parent.

If she has the child then I would want it to grow up with its mom and dad but I just can't seem to trust her anymore after she backed out of an agreement that I entered because of her stupid ovulation calendar plan that she would not stop pressuring me into going along with.

I love her and am unsure what to do. Should I just take it day by day week by week if she doesn't have an abortion and then, say, break up with her if I feel the trust is so broken that I can't be in a relationship with her anymore?

The other thing is that it feels wrong and is a bit embarassing from a societal standpoint (friends, family, coworkers, etc) to be in a relationship with a pregnant woman but not be married (plus it would be weird for the kid). But I don't know if I can marry her because I feel so betrayed.

 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:21 AM
 
4,217 posts, read 7,277,152 times
Reputation: 5372
Takes two to make a child.

Idk why a man who didn't want children, would date and have sex with a women he KNEW was not on birth control.

Unfortunately, shes a liar, Mod cut: Inappropriate language.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 11-04-2013 at 02:10 PM..
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:22 AM
 
374 posts, read 391,795 times
Reputation: 474
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo2222 View Post
Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.

She's now pregnant and doesn't want to get an abortion.

I understand it's her legal right, etc. This isn't a Constitutional law quiz.

What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust.

Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of not raising my child - instead I would be a weekend father if she allows it, which makes me feel like some deadbeat person that is running away from being a parent.

If she has the child then I would want it to grow up with its mom and dad but I just can't seem to trust her anymore after she backed out of an agreement that I entered because of her stupid ovulation calendar plan that she would not stop pressuring me into going along with.

I love her and am unsure what to do. Should I just take it day by day week by week if she doesn't have an abortion and then, say, break up with her if I feel the trust is broken that I can't be in a relationship with her anymore?

The other thing is that it feels wrong and is a bit embarassing from a societal standpoint (friends, family, coworkers, etc) to be in a relationship with a pregnant woman but not be married (plus it would be weird for the kid). But I don't know if I can marry her because I feel so betrayed.
So why did you have sex with her then?

You know the risk of unprotected sex, just because she doesn't like the feel of condoms doesn't mean you don't assume the risk of getting her pregnant.

I get her changing her mind about an abortion, she's got a child in side her, once that happens, it changes your view points on a lot of things.
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Davenport, Iowa
2,472 posts, read 4,200,507 times
Reputation: 3432
If this is real, just break up with her if you can't get over this. You can't force a romantic relationship even if there is a child involved.

The contract was a bad idea as no one can really decide to get an abortion before pregnancy.
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:26 AM
 
374 posts, read 391,795 times
Reputation: 474
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo2222 View Post
I chose to Snip. based on our agreement that worst case scenario she gets an abortion. I don't know why that's so hard for you to understand.
Stop trying to make excuses and laying the entire blame on one person.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 11-04-2013 at 02:11 PM..
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:26 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,546,805 times
Reputation: 42767
I'm sorry. That is rough. Good luck to you.

I don't think she lied to you. She probably just realized that getting an abortion wasn't as simple and easy as she thought it was going to be. I too thought I would get one until I thought I might be pregnant, and then I realized I wouldn't be able to go through with it. (I wasn't pregnant.) Having a baby growing inside you is a big deal to most women. Less than half of the unintended pregnancies in the U.S. are terminated.

There are lots of other birth control methods besides the pill and condoms, and the rhythm method is not very successful. I think it ranks down there with plain old pulling out.
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:27 AM
 
Location: San Diego
306 posts, read 654,265 times
Reputation: 263
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo2222 View Post
What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust. She wants to keep the relationship and would like to get married to me.
What I have learned over the years is that a large majority of women (not all) are masters of bait and switch. Then they use their own logic to justify their betrayal.

Well, what can I say, you trusted her and you got betrayed...now you just have to deal with being a good father.
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:27 AM
 
Location: NC
11,188 posts, read 8,223,079 times
Reputation: 12405
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo2222 View Post
Both in our 30s, have careers, have dated for a few years. I told her I am not ready to be a father and wanted to use birth control. She insisted on using ovulation calendar because she can't get on pill for health reasons and because she doesn't like condoms. I protested and she wouldn't back down, so then she actually wrote on a piece of paper saying that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.

She's now pregnant and doesn't want to get an abortion.

I understand it's her legal right, etc. This isn't a Constitutional law quiz.

What is bothering me is that I'm now in a situation where I can barely bring myself to even look at her because of her lying to me. It feels like such a betrayal on her part of my trust.

Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of not raising my child - instead I would be a weekend father if she allows it, which makes me feel like some deadbeat person that is running away from being a parent.

If she has the child then I would want it to grow up with its mom and dad but I just can't seem to trust her anymore after she backed out of an agreement that I entered because of her stupid ovulation calendar plan that she would not stop pressuring me into going along with.

I love her and am unsure what to do. Should I just take it day by day week by week if she doesn't have an abortion and then, say, break up with her if I feel the trust is broken that I can't be in a relationship with her anymore?

The other thing is that it feels wrong and is a bit embarassing from a societal standpoint (friends, family, coworkers, etc) to be in a relationship with a pregnant woman but not be married (plus it would be weird for the kid). But I don't know if I can marry her because I feel so betrayed.
You are in a REALLY tough spot here, and it probably doesn't take Einstein to figure out that there are no really good answers. But I'll say this: Trust your instinct. DO NOT (DO NOT!!!!!!!!!) marry her if you have these feelings.

I have to respect that fact that you are not here talking about "being on the hook for child support", even though you will be. But I'll tell you for sure that if you enter into a marriage that your gut tells you is wrong, with a person who (for whatever reason) can go back on her word on something as important as your agreement, then you will be "on the hook" for a lot more. Don't do it.

You can still be a significant part of your child's life. You can raise child together, or apart. And I can also promise you that you are not doing your child any favors by staying together for "their benefit".

If you must get married, be sure (and mean DAMN sure) to get a legally binding pre-nup. You've already been manipulated once, don't let it happen again.

(and to be fair, your partner may have intended to have the abortion, and then changed when it became real. Her intentions may have been the best, but the fact is (NO MATTER THE REASONS) that you can not fully trust this person, even if the intent is good.)




Sorry to reply so strongly. I hate when people do this. But this one hits home to me.

Good luck man, you're in a bad place. Hold onto your values and integrity, and you'll come out OK (not great, but OK).
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:28 AM
 
4,217 posts, read 7,277,152 times
Reputation: 5372
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo2222 View Post
I chose to Snip. based on our agreement that worst case scenario she gets an abortion. I don't know why that's so hard for you to understand.
Abortions are not a valid means of birth control.

Idk why that's so hard to understand.

So what every time you have sex and she get's pregnant, she's going to go through a physically painful abortion? Maybe several times a year? Do you know what abortions entail? ($350-$500 a pop)?

Last edited by PJSaturn; 11-04-2013 at 02:12 PM..
 
Old 11-04-2013, 10:28 AM
 
19 posts, read 29,941 times
Reputation: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers View Post
Stop trying to make excuses and laying the entire blame on one person.
She made an agreement with me so that she could have sex the way she wanted to. Once she got her way, she then broke the agreement.

I have no idea what you're talking about with "excuses" and "blame."
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