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Old 11-21-2007, 10:16 AM
 
Location: In a tiny, noisy, frigid cube
200 posts, read 606,056 times
Reputation: 142
Default My sister is dating a loser

I am at my wit's end.

My sister (20 years old) is dating a complete loser. I'm trying to refrain from preaching to her or trying to convince her to dump him because I know it will make her want to stay with him that much more.

Here's a little background:
This is her first boyfriend. He is the same age, and currently on disability due to a work injury. He lives with his stepmother and two brothers in a trailer. (This part does not matter--I don't care where he lives or what his income is, just trying to set up some background info.) They met through a mutual friend, and have been dating about 3 to 4 months.

He refuses to come to my parents house (where my sister lives). His excuse is that every time he meets a girl's parents, he ends up breaking up with the girl because parents don't like him. (First red flag)

So, she drives to his home nearly every day to spend time with him. She is an asthmatic, and his stepmother is a chain smoker. He doesn't seem to mind that she wheezes and coughs the whole time she is there because she can't breathe. (Second red flag) Not only that, but she will often spend her entire visit talking to his stepmom or watching his brothers while he watches TV in another room. (Third red flag)

She invited him to Thanksgiving, with the agreement that she would eat Thanksgiving dinner with his family too. My parents were excited; they were finally going to get to meet her guy. Unfortunately, our family is eating dinner at the same time his family is eating dinner. So, as a solution, my sister suggested to her guy that they eat with their own families, then hang out later in the evening.

His response was to tell her that the only reason he was going to his grandmother's for Thanksgiving was so that she could meet his extended family, and that he wouldn't even be able to get to his grandmother's house if she didn't drive him, so he might as well sit at home alone and eat pizza rolls for Thanksgiving. (BIG WAVING GIANT-GUILT RIDDEN RED FLAG)

She says, "I'll even drive you to your grandmother's house, and come get you later, but I need to eat with my family. I've never asked you to do anything for me, just this once, could you please do this for me?"

His response? "You're starting to tick me off." (only he said a different word instead of "tick," but apparently that's a bad word on C-D!)

She will not dump him. I am desperately trying to figure out how to convince her that this guy is no good, and is only taking advantage of her. He wants her to move into his trailer with his family, because his last girlfriend lived there too. My sister has been in so many yelling matches with my parents over this that I'm afraid one day she's just going to pack her stuff and move in there. She's not financially ready to move out, but I'm afraid her heart is going to give her some bad advice.

What do I do??

Last edited by sedie80; 11-21-2007 at 10:18 AM.. Reason: I didn't know that P_ _ _ was a bad word!
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:23 AM
 
7,426 posts, read 7,750,416 times
Reputation: 10817
I don't think there's anything you can do other than encourage her to use birth control if they're doing the wild thing. If she's hardheaded, the more you dump on him the more she's going to cling to him. But if she's already saying "I've never asked you to do anything for me..." she's already figuring it out. At least if she moves into the trailer with the whole family it will be easy to move back out. She won't be signing a lease or anything.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:28 AM
 
Location: southern california
49,278 posts, read 45,802,045 times
Reputation: 40363
i wish this was unique but its not. we can only take care of ourselves.
we dont have time to repeat the mistakes of others.
i got a kid brother and sister too. its not fun especially during the holidays.
what makes it worse is when you dont make these mistakes and come out good.
they are not going to give you a thank you note for being free happy and successful.
there is nothin you can tell them, they already know. sometimes more often than not pain and suffering are great teachers. a simple word to the wise does not cut it huh?
live on and prosper, get thru those difficult family days my friend.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:29 AM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,403 posts, read 9,151,424 times
Reputation: 5606
Low self esteem. That is the number one reason that women stay or date with losers.

If her knight in shining armor rode in and swept her off her feet, do you really think she'd put up with this chunk for another day?

Guilt tripping - red flags
Manipulative - red flags
Disinterested in a loving compromising relationship - red flag
Living at home and having her do all the leg work for the relationship - red flag


My god, this whole thing screams of my last relationship. FIND OUT what is making her cater to someone when she could be doing better... that is your issue. It isn't this one guy, it is a pattern, that she will continue to date, because of low self esteem. Join a gym, go get your hair done together, get her out of the house, go to a bar, go bowling, go buy shoes, go to the zoo, go anywhere, just do something. A lot of people end up going for the extreme because it is the convenient way out, not necessarily the best. When things at home got rough on me because of who I was seeing, I packed up and left and ran away with him.... don't let her do the same thing. Don't attack him, or she will put her guard up against you, but show her a new world, a better world without him.

For goodness sakes, keep us posted.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:29 AM
 
Location: In a tiny, noisy, frigid cube
200 posts, read 606,056 times
Reputation: 142
She's so afraid she won't ever find another boyfriend, and is willing to do whatever he asks her to do all the time. Even though she's saying that to him, she won't follow through with it.

Thank goodness she's already on the pill, but what scares me is that I don't know where this boy has been.

I worry she's going to end up in the hospital if she moves into that trailer because of her asthma.

Has anyone ever successfully talked a sibling away from a bad relationship?
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:30 AM
 
Location: In a tiny, noisy, frigid cube
200 posts, read 606,056 times
Reputation: 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunky39 View Post
i wish this was unique but its not. we can only take care of ourselves.
we dont have time to repeat the mistakes of others.
i got a kid brother and sister too. its not fun especially during the holidays.
what makes it worse is when you dont make these mistakes and come out good.
they are not going to give you a thank you note for being free happy and successful.
there is nothin you can tell them, they already know. sometimes more often than not pain and suffering are great teachers. a simple word to the wise does not cut it huh?
live on and prosper, get thru those difficult family days my friend.
Thank you...this is a good point. I just don't want her to suffer at all, because she's already been through so much in her short life. I can't pave the way with gold for her though.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:31 AM
 
2,486 posts, read 5,991,974 times
Reputation: 1836
Maybe you could find a stark contrast (a guy friend, perhaps?) of this current loser that might be interested in her and introduce them to each other. Eventually she'll see what a loser she's dating and hopefully dump him.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:32 AM
 
Location: in drifts of snow wherever you go
2,522 posts, read 288,398 times
Reputation: 692
You really can't do anything but keep your mouth shut. When she says anything, just practice saying "hmmm, hmmmm."

She'll get tired of him eventually, and that's when she'll need you.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:34 AM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,403 posts, read 9,151,424 times
Reputation: 5606
Quote:
Originally Posted by sedie80 View Post
She's so afraid she won't ever find another boyfriend, and is willing to do whatever he asks her to do all the time.
You need to narrow down why she things so lowly of herself, that's the only reason she's staying with him.

Not in love with him, in love with the idea of a relationship. Honestly, I would slash her tires (okay, maybe something a little less conspicious than that) just so she wouldn't be "able" to drop everything and drive over there when he wanted to hang out with her... and see how it flies then. Present the "Straw" to break the camel's back, without her realizing it. It's better for him to blow up and get out of control and her to drop him like a hot rock NOW, rather than let it get bigger. You can be there to help dry her tears when her heart is broken. Better to be brokenhearted, than a doormat to a loswer. ..like I said earlier, don't try to convince her that he's not worth it.. focus your time and energy on getting her out of the house, mingle with more guy friends, line people up that are worlds different from him, just to prove a point.

Don't convince her that he's not worth it, convince her that others are worth worlds more!
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:35 AM
 
Location: huh?
3,100 posts, read 179,638 times
Reputation: 468
yes, make SURE she uses a reliable form of birth control or she will be regretting her foolishness (if she were to have a child by him that he obviously will never be willing to support) for a lifetime.
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