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I have been dating a girl for a little over a year. We are generally happy together, we have many things in common, we like spending time together, basically all the things you would want from a new relationship. The problem is that, to steal a line from Seinfeld, I am just not gaga for her and she knows it. We have had multiple conversations about how she wishes I was more enthralled by her or that I could not see myself with anyone else.
To be clear, I am not looking at other woman. I have been cheated on and would never want to do that to someone. And she knows I am loyal, its not a question of infidelity.
The problem really seems to be that she thinks we are both good together for now but worries that when the going gets tough would I be willing to stay with her or would I lose interest. The issue really came up after there was a conversation about whether we would move in together soon (brought up by mutual friend) and my knee jerk reaction was no, and I think that hurt her. Not that she expected us to move in together but the fact that I was so quick to say no says something about us and where we are headed.
The other issue is I have had limited experience in LTR's. My previous record was 6 months. And I have never been gaga about anyone I have been dating. I don't even know if I am capable of being gaga, and I really do love the time we spend together but I don't want to keep her on the line if its not going to work out long-term.
TL;DR is being happy together enough to last or do you need to be gaga about each other?
I think in this case, it's really as simple as: do you love her? Stop using words like "gaga", I'm not even really sure what that means. Throughout your entire post you never actually say if you love her or not. If you love her, you're happy together, and you're compatible, that's really all you need. But if you've been together for more than a year and you still don't love her, you probably never will.
What do you consider "gaga" to be? Please define it.
Do you love her? Do you want to be with her? Do you have a desire for her (physically, emotionally, etc)? Do you see yourself being with her through thick or thin? Or do you think eventually you will want to look for something else?
I am not sure whether you are trying to say you love her and want a romantic relationship with her, or whether you are trying to say you really enjoy her company as a friend and are trying to say you see her more as a FWB.
I think in this case, it's really as simple as: do you love her? Stop using words like "gaga", I'm not even really sure what that means. Throughout your entire post you never actually say if you love her or not. If you love her, you're happy together, and you're compatible, that's really all you need. But if you've been together for more than a year and you still don't love her, you probably never will.
This.
I wouldn't say that just because you don't want to move in with her right now that it means you don't love her or can't last in a long-term relationship. I was also afraid of moving in with my bf. My family was largely against it (being traditional) and I was afraid we'd become complacent with each other, or get bored and break up. It actually has worked out really well but I was worried at first. But it didn't mean we weren't still good together.
As long as you love her and you're happy, then you are doing fine. You don't need to move in together. Now, if she really wants to move in with you soon and you don't want that, then that will be an issue you have to face once it gets brought up again.
The "ga ga" thing, when you feel it, is something you get at the beginning of a relationship, when it's all new. It's that phase of total infatuation.
Just accidentally brushing against the person's hand gives you chills.
Just making eye contact arouses you.
The phone rings and your heart goes all fluttery when you see that it's your new partner.
During sex, you have to put effort into not "finishing" too quickly.
But that phase ends, and if it's a good relationship, you enter the phase where you're comfortable with each other, and your feelings of love grow and get deeper. You no longer dissolve into shudders when you accidentally brush against their hand. You no longer immediately get aroused just making eye contact. When the partner calls, you're usually glad to hear from them, or sometimes you might feel like you're too busy to take every call. Sex is good, sometimes really good, sometimes "good enough" but you don't HAVE to do it every day, and sometimes just curling up together is just as satisfying.
But too many people (usually younger people, but not always) put too much stock in that total-infatuation stage, that when it fades, they think they're not in love anymore. They equate love with "ga ga," as you put it.
I personally think this is what leads to a lot of breakups, divorce, and infidelity. People get dependent on that "gaga" thing and keep chasing it. But IT NEVER LASTS. DON'T EXPECT IT TO.
The secret that a lot of people don't know is that in a long term committed relationship that's good, even after a long time of the "comfortable" love, you do get little bursts of "gaga" here and there, and since you're in a happy relationship, they mean a lot more than that initial "gaga."
So like the other poster said. Don't rely on "gaga" as a barometer of how good the relationship is. Rely on "do you love each other" instead.
I wouldn't say that just because you don't want to move in with her right now that it means you don't love her or can't last in a long-term relationship. I was also afraid of moving in with my bf. My family was largely against it (being traditional) and I was afraid we'd become complacent with each other, or get bored and break up. It actually has worked out really well but I was worried at first. But it didn't mean we weren't still good together.
As long as you love her and you're happy, then you are doing fine. You don't need to move in together. Now, if she really wants to move in with you soon and you don't want that, then that will be an issue you have to face once it gets brought up again.
I agree, I was in a rush when I wrote my first post and I later thought I should have added that even if you love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean you should be ready to move in with them.
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