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ok here we go guys, apologies in advance for the novel:
had a crush on a grad student for about a year, contacted her this past june via facebook and said i'd like to hang out. she responded favorably but said she was at an internship and would contact me when school started. months passed. a month ago we saw each other downtown (college town), both intoxicated, and she took me back to her place and we hooked up, had a great time. when she dropped me off the next day i said we should hang out again and her face lit up and she said yes immediately. the next week i invited her to a concert. she accepted. we went to the show, had a good time, she invited me to spend the night again but this time while i spent the night i did not make a move because she'd said she was really tired (possibly a misread on my part, even though she instantly passed out when we got in bed).
the next day she gets out of bed without trying to hookup. i've made some blunders by now, not leading things enough, not making a move, and not leaving immediately after waking. instead i kinda hang around and say i'm free for the day, which makes me look clingy. but surprisingly she says let's go to breakfast so we go eat. on the way back i remark (in a very gentle way, not just blurting it out) that she seems kinda introverted or else shy around new people (she'd been super guarded the whole time unless she was drunk, then she opened up and was really cool). i think this makes her pretty uncomfortable. i then get lost trying to get back to her place, which should be really easy, yet another blunder. as i'm dropping her off at her place she says "thanks for everything" and i stupidly ask if she wants to hang out later that night. she says maybe, she'll let me know, and doesn't respond that night. i don't contact her for a week, then i text her (another mistake, always call) this:
"hey, i'm gonna try (new fast food restaurant in town that she'd told me about) tomorrow. wanna come?"
she waits until about 6:30PM the next day and replies:
"hey, sorry for not responding sooner but i've been slammed with work all week and am just gonna take it easy tonight. hope it was good!"
i wait two days and reply:
"whoops forgot to reply to this, yeah it was good in a dangerous way, couldn't eat there too much"
we've had no contact since for about 3 weeks.
is this basically a no-go by now or did i back off at the very last second and therefore still have a chance with the perfect approach? obviously her interest level is pretty low since she hasn't contacted me nor did she respond to that last text. i can take that hint. and obviously i made some mistakes here and there by seeming clingy and moving kinda fast with the questioning. but at the same time i was pretty charming and very funny, made her laugh a lot. and it's not like i've been texting/calling her nonstop ever since, i doubt she thinks i'm desperate to be with her at this point... i just need to know my next move
i've read a lot and put a lot of thought into this, not solely for this woman but for dating in general, as i've had longterm gfs my whole adulthood and never really went out on dates with anyone. correct me if i'm wrong but here is my approach: i think at this stage i have to re-attract her, which will be way more difficult now that she has a negative impression of me in her mind. even though it's been 3 weeks, i don't think contacting her again will get me anywhere. it will communicate that she can reject me and i'll eventually come back to her regardless. that's not very attractive in my mind. the only way i could see that having any chance is if she thinks i'm a prude because i didn't make a move, and i play it very masculine/sexual and hit her up late on a friday night to get a drink or maybe even just say "you should come over," no pretenses about hanging out or bonding. she possibly thinks i'm clingy and needy and want to date her, so there's a tiny chance this could paint a different picture. but it's suboptimal in my mind and would most likely not work since she's already not interested.
i think the only plausible scenario is where we would run into each other in person again, randomly, and i could be sure to be in really good shape and look confident, etc., then i could go over and casually get her a drink, play it very smooth, and just see what happens. or maybe even just stand there and not pay attention to her and let her come to me if she wants to interact. she had no problem doing that the first time we hooked up.
is this the right approach or am i completely off-base? should i just call this woman in a couple weeks or what? is it too late? any help appreciated, thanks guys
Instead of turning yourself inside out to "re-attract" someone who is no longer interested, move on. Learn from your mistakes for the next time.
so you agree that i blew it and she wouldn't return a call? not interested in turning myself inside out and am definitely gonna move on and date other girls, just wondering if there is a chance that she'd go out with me down the line. more curious at this point.
only texted her one time, i feel like i'm still well within 'normal range' of attempts. my question is what is the best way given the low probability.
It's a no go. Three weeks without contact. It's pretty much over. I don't know if you blew it per se', because nobody but her and god know if she really liked you like that. Lot's of people just hook up with people, yet want nothing else from them. I would take it as you are a friend with benefit-sometimes.
so you agree that i blew it and she wouldn't return a call? not interested in turning myself inside out and am definitely gonna move on and date other girls, just wondering if there is a chance that she'd go out with me down the line. more curious at this point.
Maybe she sees you more as a FB, you ran into her out in public and hooked up, then you spent the night at her place the next time you saw her. Even though she said she was tired, she was probably still looking to play.
If you see her in public again I wouldnt go out of my way to ask her out, but id be friendly with her, you never know where its going to go.
Also remember, sometimes work does get in the way.
yeah i think the major disaster was not hooking up with her that second night. foolish mistake. i wouldn't mind being FWB with her at all, not really looking for a longterm at this point after she's blown me off, but this is all more of a psychological experiment, i mean there's no way to get a girl back in this situation? that's such a challenge to me, there's gotta be a way lol...
If she was interested she would respond quicker or pursue you more.
You tried. You fumbled a bunch of times, but you tried.
Never do the 'delayed' response on someone just cause they delayed. Everyone knows that is a game. Respond quickly.
Also, calling introverted people 'introverted' is offen considered an insult. They KNOW they are introverted. You don't have to tell them they are as such.
You tried, now learn from this and move on.
I sincerely give you credit for applying yourself here, now grow from it and don't repeat the same mistakes.
Also, maybe the key here is that you and introverts wont work. Maybe you need a more social outgoing person to click with.
yeah i think the major disaster was not hooking up with her that second night. foolish mistake. i wouldn't mind being FWB with her at all, not really looking for a longterm at this point after she's blown me off, but this is all more of a psychological experiment, i mean there's no way to get a girl back in this situation? that's such a challenge to me, there's gotta be a way lol...
Not reaaaaaaaaaaaaally.
At this point, anything moving forward with her will be complicated.
If you were both interested, you BOTH would have handled it differently.
This one was a quick fun, but never gonna work long term, situation.
If she was interested she would respond quicker or pursue you more.
You tried. You fumbled a bunch of times, but you tried.
Never do the 'delayed' response on someone just cause they delayed. Everyone knows that is a game. Respond quickly.
Also, calling introverted people 'introverted' is offen considered an insult. They KNOW they are introverted. You don't have to tell them they are as such.
You tried, now learn from this and move on.
I sincerely give you credit for applying yourself here, now grow from it and don't repeat the same mistakes.
Also, maybe the key here is that you and introverts wont work. Maybe you need a more social outgoing person to click with.
Not reaaaaaaaaaaaaally.
At this point, anything moving forward with her will be complicated.
If you were both interested, you BOTH would have handled it differently.
This one was a quick fun, but never gonna work long term, situation.
ok that seems reasonable. but what about for a FWB scenario where the exact same thing happens two months from now, we're both drunk and at the same bar? it's impossible for me to hook up with her again?
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