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Old 11-07-2013, 11:36 AM
5,485 posts, read 6,334,770 times
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People who keep separate finances when married, always seem to me as they have one foot out the door. But then again, with todays lack of respect for marriage vows, it may be for the best. In the end, everyone does what tends to work best for them as a couple. But when I hear stories of "I get a weekly massage, because I can afford it, but my wife wants to join me although she cant afford it, so I leave her at home" or anything of that sort, or marrie dpeople talking about my money and your money, it just makes me cringe. Its not all about money, its not all about materialistic things, learn how to share you shallow, greedy people. Very soon, you will be no more than a fistful of dust anyway, and you aint taking a single thing with you.
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Old 11-07-2013, 11:55 AM
Location: SNA=>PDX 2013
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My XH and I had the 3 account bit. We would put all our money into our joint account and pay all bills, vacations, gifts, etc out of that. We'd give ourselves an allowance (same amount) that would go into the individual accounts. What was in our individual accounts, we could do whatever we wanted with it, no questions asked.

For large ticket items, we'd discuss it, then purchase out of the joint. For Christmas, we'd transfer a set amount and we wouldn't spend more than what we transfer (this way, you can keep the surprise). For birthday's, we'd just charge it, since neither of us checked each other's online transactions, the surprise was always kept.

Previously, if I was married, we'd have a main joint account. With SO's, if we had a joint account, it wasn't the main account, it was only used for joint bills (rent, electricity, cable, etc). No clue what I'd do now with any future long-term SO. After what I went through with XH (his bad spending habits and how it affected us monetarily), I have major trust issues now. Not sure I'd want to depend on anyone to pay for things.
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:21 PM
Location: Glasgow, uk
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If I was married I would want both. A joint bank account where we both put a certain amount in monthly for household stuff bills food etc and a personal account for us both so we have control over our own finances.
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:35 PM
Location: NY
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The devil is in the details. It really doesn't matter whether the accounts are joint or not. It matters how the money is viewed, treated, and spent.

If unheathly greed is going to happen from one or both parties, it will happen no matter how few or many accounts there are.
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:03 PM
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,221,414 times
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Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers View Post
Curious as to how others do things with their SO.

Wife and I have joint bank accounts, but I know there are people out there that still live independently while still living with someone or married to someone.
The answers to this question are going to vary and depend upon the posters age and just how long they have been with their SO
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:05 PM
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,221,414 times
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Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
In my experience, when couples talk about "my money" and "your money" as opposed to "our money," the relationship is on very shaky ground, essentially composed of two self-centered people being bedmates.

Oh, sure, it works on occasion. And, yes, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances. But most of the time I've seen it done, it hasn't worked over the long haul. Because rather than simply putting the money in one big pot, what happens is that everything becomes a negotiation, as in "I paid the power bill, so you need to pay the cable bill." Or, worse, "It's my money so I can do with it whatever I want." We were acquainted with a couple where the the guy said that A LOT. So he was always buying something that the family couldn't afford like a boat or a trip to Cabo with his frat buddies. They didn't make it. And I worked with a woman who literally said, "I make more, so I can spend more."

That begs the question. If money is seen as a measure of power in the marriage, what happens when one spouse makes a great deal more than the other? Do both contribute equal amounts while one has a lot more spending money? Or do they both contribute equal percentages so that the person contributing a higher dollar amount begins to feel resentful? What happens when there is a critical need that requires both parties to give more? What happens when one person doesn't have an income at all? Even the "My Account, Your Account, and Our Account" approach works only partially. For both parties wind up continually moving money around from account to account.

Finally, marriage is not about keeping score. It's an All In proposition. Either you are totally committed to the relationship with your heart, your body, and your financial resources, or you're not committed at all. If you are holding back money because you don't trust the other person, then why the heck are you married to someone you don't trust? And if you are holding back money because you want to spend it on whatever you damned well please, then that means you don't trust your s/o to maybe want to help you fulfill your heart's desire in the first place. Then money is really a symbol that you're not fully committed in any sense of the word.

Instead, there's a bit of willfulness to the idea, the notion of "I'll get what I want and I don't care what my spouse thinks." If you think like that, don't get married at all. For what people don't get about marriage is that the needs of the relationship are more important than the needs of either of the people in it. Money does strange things to people. So when the question of money means you have a lack of transparency, selfishness, or good old-fashioned duplicity, then it's time to assess whether the separate account thing is important or not.

And on the flip side, what kind of purchases are you making that you feel the need to have this secrecy or autonomy? I mean are you spending it on blow or hookers?

My wife and I both make really good money. The money goes into one big pot and then we discuss how to spend it. When I wanted to go to sailing school, I showed her what kind of outlay it would entail and we agreed to it. When she wanted to spend a week in New York with her friends, same thing happened. We weren't giving each other permission. We were looking at matters and asking, "Financially, is this a good idea?" We didn't embark on negotiations around the question of who contributed what.
As usual, there is a ton of wisdom in all you post
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:06 PM
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It wouldn't matter to me either way. Right now I gave my girlfriend a credit card in her name attached to my account.

Ive been thinking about adding her to my bank account for conveience when needed. She is a huge tightwaad when it comes to spending so I know it wouldn't be an issue.

Regarding bills, I'm major OCD when it comes to bills. Realistically when I'm married I would prefer to handle all the bills. I have never missed a payment in my life and I got my first car loan at 16. For a while I was paying student loans to 5 different places. I think it also just seems easier for one person to handle all the bills.

My gf has done all the grocery shopping the last year and a half. Only once have I ever made a comment regarding her purchases. She asks when to put extra things on the card that may seem excessive but 99% of the time it's ok.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 2
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:24 PM
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Why can't you have both. My parents had a joint and both of them had a separate. The Join allowed them to save for family vacations and house hold bills. In addition, my parents were married for 30yrs up until my dad's death. They never argued about money
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:25 PM
Location: San Francisco
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Separate. The BF and I have discussed in high-level terms, that if we were to move in together, we would set up a joint 'household account' for stuff like cable/internet/electric/food/housecleaning and all that stuff.

We make fairly similar salary - currently I out-earn him and he's paying off the last of his student loans from grad school, and we're mostly on the same page about financial priorities although I'm probably a bit more financially responsible than he is.

I don't think that keeping separate accounts necessarily means you have a foot out the door -- sometimes it helps keep life running smoothly.

For example, BF would probably pass out if he knew what I spent at the hairdressers, even though it's something I can afford easily. I'd probably happiest not knowing exactly how much he spends on iBooks and the Kindle store.. even though it's well within his budget. And we both like to buy little random gifts for each other - it's nice to not have the surprise ruined by seeing a certain store or dollar amount on the checking/visa statement.
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:28 PM
Location: So Cal
40,131 posts, read 39,678,894 times
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We've always had separate accounts the whole time we've been together. We recently within the last couple of yrs have banked at the same bank. We have our accounts all linked so we can move money around between them and each can access the others, so it really doesn't feel like separate accounts even though technically they are.
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