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Old 11-11-2013, 09:05 AM
 
14,396 posts, read 17,258,501 times
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I asked for the OP to define because aggression can be different than control. Maybe she meant control or dominance ( which unfortunately is something a woman can't teach).

Last edited by srjth; 11-11-2013 at 09:18 AM..
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Old 11-11-2013, 09:16 AM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,204 posts, read 4,610,047 times
Reputation: 9251
OP, I would just express a liking or curiosity of male dominance in the bedroom, and guide him toward what you want. Who knows, he may be very excited about it, but doesn't know how to approach you about it. Practically every serious partner I've had is a Dom (sensual), and while I am not a "sub" in the truest sense, I do like the submissive/bottom role, but I can also switch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by John13 View Post
Bolded confuses me a little.

It seems you want one thing that he may not be able to do.
This is an assumption. This makes no sense. If she hasn't approached him about her desires yet how can it be known what he is able to do? It's probably not even a matter of ability; rather, it's about exposure to new things. Without the exposure how is he supposed to know what he's willing or unwilling to try?

Quote:
I don't see harm in bringing up what you want but as I said this doesn't sound good, especially since you all have been together 10 years.
You are projecting your own experiences onto the OP. There is a big, hug leap from "How can we spice up our sex life" to "Oh, open the marriage, that will do it. He may not be able to please you or give you what you want." Huh? That just doesn't follow. In order to know whether he is capable of being non-vanilla she has to approach him about it -- her wants and desires. If he still has trouble "getting there" then perhaps counseling or a sex therapist. Who jumps straight to non-monogamy because their sex life is lacking spice? You don't "help" or "save" your sex life by opening the relationship. You make damn sure it's already rockin' before going that route. That is the healthy way to do it if it's mutual.

Quote:
If he can't be more aggressive as you want maybe he will let you find someone on the side who will.
He can't become more dominant unless she brings her desires to his attention. How else is he supposed to know what her desires are if she's not open with them. Sexual compatibility is about openness as well. Being able to be open and transparent with such desires and practices can make for a healthy sex life.

Quote:
But as you stated that's likely not going to be possible.
That can't be known until after she brings it to his attention and they work toward more dominance in the bedroom.

Quote:
If it were me I'd consider it but only on a very limited basis, like an open agreement of sorts. Then again I am more open-minded than most people are. You only live once and you are entitled to have the sex life that you want.
There's a difference between being "open-minded" and offering bad advice based on a lot of assumptions. I have been in an open marriage. I've been down that road, and I advocate ethical non-monogamy for those who wish to explore it and those who are hard-wired for it. It doesn't always work, and it makes no sense to recommend it to a couple where one (or both) party wants to improve their sex life. Just no.
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Old 11-11-2013, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,930 posts, read 6,463,695 times
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^ Selective reading I see.
Quote:
he may not be able to do.
Quote:
I don't see harm in bringing up what you want
Not worth a further breakdown. I'm entitled to my opinion on this public message board.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique View Post
There's a difference between being "open-minded" and offering bad advice based on a lot of assumptions.
Highly insulting. I'll consider the source...
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Old 11-11-2013, 09:39 AM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,204 posts, read 4,610,047 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John13 View Post
^ Selective reading I see.



Not worth a further breakdown. I'm entitled to my opinion on this public message board.


Highly insulting. I'll consider the source...
Definitely not selective reading. Adding a qualifier doesn't make it not bad advice. You're entitled to your opinion, sure, I never challenged such. Likewise, I'm entitled to state your advice makes no damn sense. There is no rationale in asserting a person may not be able to do something before having been exposed to the idea, practice or act.
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Old 11-11-2013, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,390 posts, read 17,309,102 times
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I don't know about your bf, but I'm trainable. Trainable. That doesn't mean you can change me by just saying, "be more aggressive." If I AM more aggressive, reward me, just like you'd reward a dog when you're training one. I can learn what to do to get the treat if I'm always rewarded for specific behaviors.

My wife once asked me to be more aggressive in bed too, but then I'd get waved off, "Not tonight, honey." When we dogs get kicked for doing our tricks, we'll soon stop doing our tricks.

Communication is the key to a great relationship, but it's got to be two-way communication. Some people seem to have a problem just visiting with each other, especially about bedtime activities. My late wife and I used to watch porn and sex ed videos regularly. We were both in our 40s and knew a thing or two about sex, but it was a good way to bring up certain subjects: "Oh, that looks like fun!" Or "Would you like that?" Or just to laugh at how corny some (most) of it really is. They helped our sex communication and in turn spiced up our sex life immeasurably. There wasn't anything we didn't talk about and only a few things that weren't on the table to try.

We also set aside one weekend each month for a love-fest. We hid the cars, didn't answer the door or phone, didn't turn on the tv (except for sex tapes) and didn't leave the bedroom except for food, etc. If once per month is too often, make it once every 2 or 3 months, but make it special and gear it towards each of you learning to be the best lover possible for your mate. Obviously some couples just can't do this at home. If not, go away on a mini-vacation, if only across town to the local Holiday Inn.
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Old 11-11-2013, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,978 posts, read 19,947,148 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
I don't know about your bf, but I'm trainable. Trainable. That doesn't mean you can change me by just saying, "be more aggressive." If I AM more aggressive, reward me, just like you'd reward a dog when you're training one. I can learn what to do to get the treat if I'm always rewarded for specific behaviors.

My wife once asked me to be more aggressive in bed too, but then I'd get waved off, "Not tonight, honey." When we dogs get kicked for doing our tricks, we'll soon stop doing our tricks.

Communication is the key to a great relationship, but it's got to be two-way communication. Some people seem to have a problem just visiting with each other, especially about bedtime activities. My late wife and I used to watch porn and sex ed videos regularly. We were both in our 40s and knew a thing or two about sex, but it was a good way to bring up certain subjects: "Oh, that looks like fun!" Or "Would you like that?" They helped our sex communication and in turn spiced up our sex life immeasurably. There wasn't anything we didn't talk about and only a few things that weren't on the table to try.

We also set aside one weekend each month for a love-fest. We hid the cars, didn't answer the door or phone, didn't turn on the tv (except for sex tapes) and didn't leave the bedroom except for food, etc. If once per month is too often, make it once every 2 or 3 months, but make it special and gear it towards each of you learning to be the best lover possible for your mate. Obviously some couples just can't do this at home. If not, go away on a mini-vacation, if only across town to the local Holiday Inn.

haha Great post!!
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Old 11-11-2013, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,294,482 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
It's not offensive if you SHOW him rather than tell him.

Don't have a sit-down, which he will perceive as a very critical job evaluation.

The next time you feel the urge coming on, take the lead and add some spice yourself. Then encourage him when he does stuff you like.
Ding, ding, ding, ding - we have a winner folks
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Old 11-11-2013, 11:44 AM
 
14,396 posts, read 17,258,501 times
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Teaching or even asking a man to be dominant defeats the purpose.
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Old 11-11-2013, 11:48 AM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
33,832 posts, read 41,883,302 times
Reputation: 43206
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.
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Old 11-11-2013, 11:51 AM
 
12,870 posts, read 15,352,079 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Rayne View Post
Men, would you be offended if your gf/so/ wife asked you to be more aggressive in the bedroom? Sex life is getting boring after 10 years...needs some spice
I'd bet that your husband would be thrilled.
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