He asked me to be patient with him. Should I? (dating, long-term)
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I knew this guy since last year. We worked in the same building and he would always be friendly with me and offer to help me. I just kept it friendly with him because I was already in a relationship at the time and I didn’t like dating people who I worked with. Fast forward to Jan 2017 I was no longer in a relationship and he has since got a promotion and was transferred to another building. He reached out to me and told me that he always liked me and never wanted to give up on me. He admitted that he had one of his best friends for almost 10 years to keep tabs on me and give him all the details about me. This is the friend who also works in my dept who I was becoming very close with. He knew everything about me including my relationships, family etc. When I confronted the friend about telling him everything he told me it’s because he really liked me but I would never talk to him that much. I wasn’t upset about it and I actually understood. I decided to give the guy a chance.
Months has passed and things have gotten hard for him. Although he likes his new position his workload doubled and he has crazy hours sometimes. Sometimes he would have to do a double or stay 3-4 hours after his shift is supposed to be over. On top of that he is the one who is now mainly taking care of his sick mom who is dying of cancer and his elderly grandmother who lives miles away. I admitted to him that when I dated guys in the past who was going thru things they broke up with me so if you need you space and want to end things so you can sort your life I’d understand. He said I’m not like every guy and don’t think that way. He apologizes many times that he can’t spend that much time with me right now but he hoped that I would understand. He says that he really wants to be with me and want to start a family soon but he’s just trying to get everything together. He asked if I could be patient with him while he does so. He says he’s under a lot of stress and pressure but wants to make things work.
Once in a while he’ll go a day or two without contact but we usually talk everyday. He makes plans to go out on dates whenever he can. He has expressed to me that he doesn’t want me to think that he’s just using me for sex so that’s why we haven’t had sex that much. When I do see him we usually meet up at a place in between our houses. I have never been to his house but we live about 20 miles away from each other. He has been to mine once. When I asked about why I haven’t been to his house yet he says it’s because his family stays with him sometimes.
As I said before when I dated men who had problems and they broke up with me to sort them. This is the first guy I ever dated who asked me to be patient with him so I don’t know what’s expected and what to do. I really like him and want to give it a chance but it’s hard to determine if some of the things that I mentioned such as not visiting his house yet is a red flag because of the circumstances that he’s going thru.
Should I give it a chance or am I waisting my time?
So ... you've been dating exclusively for a few months? Is that right? And you're, what, almost 30?
Does he live on his own, or not? He doesn't live with his mom? How much do you trust this friend of his who has been spying on you? Is the guy you're dating married? Or has he been married?
I do think there are some red flags here, in addition to the "should you be patient" question. I mean, if you were in a committed long-term relationship and this came up, I would expect you to be patient and support him through it. But right now it is hard to tell if he is being completely honest with you about his life in the first place, besides the whole "I have a lot going on" thing.
We are both in our early 30’s. He’s not married, never been married and doesn’t have children. I asked him if he was dating anyone one else and he promised me that he wasn’t. I do talk to the friend sometimes when I see him and he also assured me that he’s dealing with a lot and he isn’t dating anyone else.
Have you met his mom? You've been dating and having sex for months but NEVER went to his house yet?
I can believe someone has so much responsibility in their lives and doesn't want to lose you.
I can also believe their are manipulative liars out there, who will play on your emotions to keep you around until they are sure they are done with you. They will manipulate others to 'keep tabs' on you too.
Is he selfless? Well, no. I mean, if I knew I didn't have space in my life for a relationship, even if I loved that person to death, I would love them enough to set them free, and let waiting be their choice if they wanted to.
Cancer can be very aggressive or it can take years to finish dying from it. Same thing with aging.
Maybe get a friend to 'keep tabs' on him for a while?
Maybe tell him you will only sex him at his house, and see what happens from there.
We are both in our early 30’s. He’s not married, never been married and doesn’t have children. I asked him if he was dating anyone one else and he promised me that he wasn’t. I do talk to the friend sometimes when I see he and he also assured me that he’s dealing with a lot and he isn’t dating anyone else.
He keeps asking me to trust him.
Then you will just have to decide if you want to continue things as they are. This could go on for a very long time.
I really don't understand why you can't go to his house. 20 miles is not that big a deal. I also probably would do a little recon on my own, just to be sure his story checks out.
If you really do care about him, and you can deal with the staggered schedule, then proceed. Just know that it's going to take a LOT of patience on your part.
You haven't been to his house but do you know where it is?
When you meet 'in the middle' is for sex or just to see each other (since you say you don't have sex often)
Me not visiting his house yet is the only thing that concerns me. There were times when I accused him of being with someone else and hiding things from me. I even broke it off with him once and he kept pleading with me. He gets upset and begs me to trust him. He said eventually I will come to his house.
The times that we do see each other we would met at a restaurant, theater etc then go out separate ways. Honestly the few months we were together we only had sex 3 times; at my house and when we went on a 2 day getaway. He says he does this because he doesn’t want me to think that he’s using me just for sex.
Me not visiting his house yet is the only thing that concerns me. There were times when I accused him of being with someone else and hiding things from me. I even broke it off with him once and he kept pleading with me. He gets upset and begs me to trust him. He said eventually I will come to his house.
The times that we do see each other we would met at a restaurant, theater etc then go out separate ways. Honestly the few months we were together we only had sex 3 times; at my house and when we went on a 2 day getaway. He says he does this because he doesn’t want me to think that he’s using me just for sex.
The stuff with his mom notwithstanding, this ^^^ is still pretty sketchy.
I guess he could be:
- embarrassed about where he lives
- not very into sex
- sleeping with the neighbor, who he doesn't want to find out about you
- living with a psycho roommate that he can't get rid of
- into something totally freaky he doesn't want you to know about yet
- super into having his own space, which doesn't bode well for LTR.
Lord knows. IDK I think it's time to press the issue. Tell him that you are happy to be patient with him, but that he has to give a little as well, and that his keeping you from his place makes you feel like he is hiding something, which makes it very hard, in fact, for you to trust him.
Honestly, OP, the fact that you've talked about it this much and he didn't say, "I have nothing to hide. Come on over right now..." is just weird.
He said you'll come over "eventually"? That all sounds like strategy, not love.
If a guy wants you in his life, you will be "in his life." You will be there supporting him because he will let you in. It sounds like all he is doing is keeping you out, and the amount of planning and spying he has done is very underhanded. I would begin to wonder, with all of the outright assurances he has tried to make that you can trust him and that he is not using you for sex, if that is actually what he IS doing.
Also, that "friend" at work is no friend, FYI.
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