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New to this forum and am seeking some advice on my current relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Last year he moved into my condo. He has been separated for over 10 years but never divorced. He is no longer in touch with his ex and sees her only at family events like birthdays and Christmas (he has 3 grown children).
This situation didn't really bother me while we were dating, however, since he's moved into my condo and we're planning a life together, my feelings have changed. I have gone so far as to tell him that we cannot buy a house together until he is divorced.
We have had several discussions on this and each time he says he will take care of it but he doesn't offer any updates unless I ask him. So far I feel he is making excuses. (I don't have her phone number, I rarely see her).
I have tried to explain to him that I don’t like the financial/emotional implications of him still being ‘attached’ to another woman. How can I get him to understand how important the divorce is to me and our future? My stress and anxiety levels are increasing as I feel I have no control over my present situation.
His behaviour over this issue is confusing because otherwise he is affectionate and thoughtful but I feel he is avoiding this issue. I don't feel as close to him as I used and I've begun to question whether I should continue this relationship or not.
If you feel so strongly why don't you tell him you want him to get a divorce or you have no future together as you don't want to progress the relationship while he is still married. Sit down have a calm civilised conversation and if he doesn't do anything about it then tell him it's over. Tell him your concerns/worries etc if he truly loves you and wants a future with you he will do it ASAP. Good luck
New to this forum and am seeking some advice on my current relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Last year he moved into my condo. He has been separated for over 10 years but never divorced. He is no longer in touch with his ex and sees her only at family events like birthdays and Christmas (he has 3 grown children).
Wow. Your definition of being "no longer in touch" is vastly different from mine. He is seeing his ex at least 4 times a year--that's more than I see mine and we have joint custody of a minor child! And we NEVER get together at holidays or birthdays, nor do most divorced people I know. That is very strange.
He's married. Looks like you will never be number one.
Do you go to the family events, too? If so, I don't agree with folks who say 'he is married'. If not, then he is not serious about you.
Assuming he is serious about you, looks to me like you have two choices. You can withdraw some sort of privilege until he gets the divorce done -- maybe the pleasure of your company, for example -- you can go stay with a friend until both he and his STBX have signed the divorce papers.
Or you can decide that you should not have to give him a time out like a child, and you can find a bf for whom just the fact that it is important to you is motivation enough.
Tough situation. You have really condoned him keeping you in the position of the mistress while his wife is still the real wife. If you want to be the real wife, or just not have him be still married to his real wife, you need to try talking to him. If that doesn't work, you can try telling him he needs to move out and you guys need to break up until he's "free" but I can understand why that is a tough road to hoe. Really this is something that should've happened 4 years ago when you had some power in the situation. Good luck.
Hi there,
This situation didn't really bother me while we were dating, however, since he's moved into my condo and we're planning a life together, my feelings have changed. I have gone so far as to tell him that we cannot buy a house together until he is divorced.
I have tried to explain to him that I don’t like the financial/emotional implications of him still being ‘attached’ to another woman. How can I get him to understand how important the divorce is to me and our future? My stress and anxiety levels are increasing as I feel I have no control over my present situation.
This sounds like a case for Dr. Phil.
I'm not sure what his motivation to buy a house with you is if he is happy living in your condo with you.
I would focus less on the wife and more on you. Lay out your expectations (you have every right to want to marry or make plans for your future) and give him a deadline.
New to this forum and am seeking some advice on my current relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Last year he moved into my condo. He has been separated for over 10 years but never divorced. He is no longer in touch with his ex and sees her only at family events like birthdays and Christmas (he has 3 grown children).
This situation didn't really bother me while we were dating, however, since he's moved into my condo and we're planning a life together, my feelings have changed. I have gone so far as to tell him that we cannot buy a house together until he is divorced.
We have had several discussions on this and each time he says he will take care of it but he doesn't offer any updates unless I ask him. So far I feel he is making excuses. (I don't have her phone number, I rarely see her).
He is a married man.
You are the other woman, and from the sound of it, that is all you will ever be.
If he wanted to divorce her, he would have....
Sorry but why should be get a divorce now? He lives with you, in your condo, and still sees his family. What is his motivation to get a divorce, because you want it? That clearly isn't enough for him. Most likely be doesn't even want to buy a house with you, so there is no motivation there either. The best thing you can do is tell him to move out, and that you will get back together when he divorces. Most likely you will not do that and will waste another 4 years with him. And trust me, you will be sorry.
Sorry but why should be get a divorce now? He lives with you, in your condo, and still sees his family. What is his motivation to get a divorce, because you want it? That clearly isn't enough for him. Most likely be doesn't even want to buy a house with you, so there is no motivation there either. The best thing you can do is tell him to move out, and that you will get back together when he divorces. Most likely you will not do that and will waste another 4 years with him. And trust me, you will be sorry.
Yeah, I agree.
If he wanted a divorce, he would have taken steps to get one. If it is important to the OP, she probably needs to let him know that she won't be hanging around waiting for him forever......
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