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I fell so deeply in love with my husband when we were in high school. Thats where we began. Did I know he was going to be dysfunctional, toxic? No.
I would go to his house and I am not even kidding, everything was perfect. It was like Betty Crocker lived there or something. Everything was perfect. I thought, dag, I wish it was like this at my house.
At my house there was just me and my parents and my grandmother. I was born to my parents late in their lives, and we never did 'family' things, etc. I liked going to his house, his mom would always cook dinner, and everything was in perfect order. PERFECT ORDER.
At my house, I did all the dinner cooking. I could not keep things in perfect order. Now looking back, as an adult, and after having gone through what I went through...red flag.
No one is perfect. Why was it perfect. What was going on there. Months later his stepfather punched her in the face and broke her nose and thats when the persona of perfection came tumbling down.
But you see, I loved the boy. The boy loved me. He moved into my house after his mother kicked him out, and from there, it was like there was nothing for us to do but be together.
We were engaged for 4 years before marrying. He kept on at me, when are we going to get married, when when when.
There was something inside of me... I did not want to marry him. Something was not right. I did not know what it was then, back when I did not want to get married, but by then we already had our son, and I was pregnant with our daughter, but no one knew of that at that time.
Even still, the thought of that pending marriage felt wrong. I married him. I married him in 1995. The year of my fathers death. I think back and I feel like I did it out of necessity.
You see, something deep inside of me questioned marrying him for all of those 4 years. Look at me now.
You didn't do a thing wrong, people are going to be with who they are going to be with. I became yes, co-dependant.
Then he followed the pattern of emotional abuse that he grew up with. He does not own it, he did not do it, and everything is my fault.
I think back to that girl who didn't want to get married. I wonder why I didn't listen to her. But I know that all things happen for a reason, in life.
My life became so toxic that I lived poison, I ate it, drank it, breathed it. But the thing is, I didn't know it. It took me a bit to figure it out, and he still doesn't realize it.
It was just my way of life, it was how things were. I had no other exp in life but with him, and for me, it was normalcy.
Maybe for your son, it is the same? I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could get into my stbx mind and figure him out, but really, what good would it do now?
Maybe your son toughs it out for your grand daughter. Life is so simple, but so complex at the same time. It's black. Its white.
I saw him today and he was decent to be around, first time in a long time. I dont know. I will never understand him. He will never understand why I had to leave him.
As time passes and you continue to self explore, I promise you, you will find answers, but bottom line is, somethings you will never find answers to...
you can't explain behavior, you just know, it's not normal and right to treat others as such...and it is best to just be happy your out of it...
hugs and my best...and thanks again for the vent...I suppose the soul always craves answers/solutions....
WEll thanks, I don't know why I posted this...my very first post in CD was about her....the hurt is unimaginable....
My son was easy to raise...he was such a joy, very curious, kind and giving.
We were very close, and he was a people magnant. All his friends both girls and boys would come to the house, even if he wasn't there. They would tell me what a good friend he was, and how they loved him. He joiined the military and then sought a career in law enforcement...
this is so not him...and he has even said to me on a few occassions that he is not the person I think he is....that is why I wrote him....and asked, "what is it that you did in your life, that you feel you deserve so little?"
what is so sad about all of this is the fact that I cannot do anything to help plus she has cut off all of his support. IN fact his father fears, she will do the same thing to them as she has done to me....I said, no she won't and he looked at me strangely...I said, she's waiting for the inheritence...my son's father is very well to do.
Isn't that awful, that I said that? Very mean of me to say it I think.
The really bad thing about all of this is, I wonder what it was I did wrong...how did I fail him that he would pick such a dysfunctional wife?
He had so much going for him...he's a nice guy...a cop...and he does care about people, but she's got him so busy and she keeps him busy and preoccupied for her own personal reasons?
He give her anything she wants...and sometimes I wonder if she threatens him...she is very unstable and I worry, I do.
He and I used to have talks and I suggested on several occasssions, "When you find a woman who you think you'd like to spend the rest of your life with, make certain, she hasn't had severe problems growing up..b/c if she has, and hasn't received help/counseling, she will contaminate the relationship...and you will have more problems then you know...also, make certain she has goals of her own and she is not looking for someone to take care of,and lastly, please know, your father's very wealthy, and there are gals who look for just that...." He never listened, he was in fact, infactuated with her beauty I think...I just can't imagine the life he must be living and how his own self esteem must be depleated, not to mention, a bundle of nerves...she's so explosive?????
I should have never allowed him to go back to town and live with his father full time. His father's wife is just like his wife...I believe that is why he deems this all normal behavior...I believe he became immune to her yelling and whinning at his father. I also think his step mother said things, that depleated his self esteem, as she plays these little games with me...but I ignore it thinking, I don't have to live with her....???? I blame his father to...but most of all, I blame my son, he above all others knows me best, and knows in his heart of hearts, that I would never do such a thing...I was so happy when he told me he intended to give her a ring? God, if we had only known then, huh? All I could think of was, I was finally going to have a daughter. And my girlfriend has 3 daughter in laws, and they all get along so well...I really and truly miss my son...I lost 3 other children before I had him...and almost lost him...and now, I fear, I've lost him for good...I worry about his stability? I can't help it, he's my son....some on here have said, well, he's a man...yes he is, but he's still my son, and he will always be...and I feel awful being estranged from him...like a failure...yanno? Nothing anyone can say, can make it better, you simply have to learn to live with it and hope....???
sometimes I really wish I could spank em both....gosh, the hurt people can cause others is sometimes unbearable...yanno? I do know you know...and I'm so sorry you've had to experience what you've experienced for such a young girl....
Well, thanks for the rant and vent....
so she is basically lying in wait for your son's father to give her money..... Seems like, legally a will is written- he can specifically exclude her. No law includes in-laws(the name is a misnomer-) they have no claim on any estate. The Surrogate's Court honors the will of the deceased, not some idiot trying to get money after the fact.She may want to read lexis/nexis, since she thinks shes so incredibly intelligent
As time passes and you continue to self explore, I promise you, you will find answers, but bottom line is, somethings you will never find answers to...
you can't explain behavior, you just know, it's not normal and right to treat others as such...and it is best to just be happy your out of it...
hugs and my best...and thanks again for the vent...I suppose the soul always craves answers/solutions....
I can only say thank goodness we don't know how to explain some of the behavior we see/experience. If we could understand craziness maybe we could fathom this! Childhood abuse is a terrible thing but your DIL is now an adult and responsible for her actions TODAY. Lots of people had it tough growing up but they decide to find a better way. Too bad this young lady did not and has caught your son up in the misery. Keep taking care of yourself. Making the choice to move away was hard but I think in the long run staying would have been much worse. Best to you
I can only say thank goodness we don't know how to explain some of the behavior we see/experience. If we could understand craziness maybe we could fathom this! Childhood abuse is a terrible thing but your DIL is now an adult and responsible for her actions TODAY. Lots of people had it tough growing up but they decide to find a better way. Too bad this young lady did not and has caught your son up in the misery. Keep taking care of yourself. Making the choice to move away was hard but I think in the long run staying would have been much worse. Best to you
Thank you, and yes, you are correct...once a long long time ago, I sent her a letter via email, and was very honest...at the time I didn't understand her and was so trying to get through to her that I was not threat, that I was actually happy to have a daughter, and showed the letter to my mom and sister and they said it was fine to send.....well, my poor son called me and his voice was shaking and he said "Mom, please, don't send emails like that here again". He sounded desperate and I didn't understand....later, she used my words against me...and said to me..."Respect has to be earned" She screams and hollors, it actually frightens you...yanno. So, I'm certain whenever I'm in the picture, she puts him through hell and back...and gets really moody, cuz she is...naturally very moody and unstable. I feel by staying away, it's better for him.
He used to call me every Sat. on his way to work in the morning...and we'd talk, as I believe it isn't easy for him to talk to anyone in front of her, and he hardly ever talks about her, more so, he's always saying what a good wife she is, and at least she doesn't run around...like he's trying to convince himself...we're not even discussing her...and it scares me...I think he's so afraid of doing something wrong....God only knows how angry she can really get...but I sense, he is somewhat afraid of her. I don't really know...but inside, I sense it is bad...
Actually, his entire family is afraid of her and uneasy around her...isn't that a shame?
She has refused to meet or spend time with anyone in my family, so my son, is now much like a stranger to me. In 10 years, they've eaten at my house with my family, once, and met one of my friends, but she won't spend any time at all with them....sad...and like a black cloud is following you around all the time...at first the pain of this was incredible, the confusion that my son would actually believe she intimidated me...and I was jealous and making up those stories...I don't believe I'll ever get over that, or the way he yelled at me...awful situation.
My husband has used that excuse for himself.....I dont run around I dont gamble, I dont drink (anymore) but I found out he was drinking over at the neighbors house.
He always found a way to make excuses for minself, twist, and place blame on me.
I was in one with a truck driver and I knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. When you have what you think is the perfect life and then someone comes along and points out what they think are nothing but flaws in everything you do, in all your friends and favorite places to go and critizes you because you are happy all the time... Well, WHO needs them?
Had another guy trying to be my boyfriend that criticized my choices in the name brand of things I bought... My car, may computer, stuff like that and I put the skids on that soon as he started that crap. WHO need it? (Not me, I was petrfectly happy and still am)
Hello
When I was reading jour story i thought it was mine, with the only difference my Son is now deseased. He drowned 2 jears ago in a bathtubspa at their House accidently as told by police. we, also like jou ,had cut contact with both of them for over ten jears to save my sanity . This accident happened in the week my daughter in law had seperated from him but visited him in the morning to celebrate with their 2 children her birthday. For some reason she rung him next morning there was no answer she went there to find him dead in the bathtub, drowned. when she met him he just had found out he had MS and it was getting worse over the jears with all the stress .Police said its not suizide allthough he was depressed. and on medecation.
The problems between her and me started when she had her first child. we as grandparents where excluded only her mother was babysitting or to get to see the kids. So our Grandchildren never got to know as. I was starting to have arguments with my Son, although in all his live i never could argue with him. he was always respectfull and understanding. easy to get along with. He tryed very hard to compromise with her, and make arrangements for us to see the Kids, but nothing worked. She alwayes stuffed everything up and eventually it was better for all of us to not see any of them.
We came together at his Funeral again. 13 jears later. his children are now 14 and 15. I found out that she took his ashes home. so i rung her and aske if she would let as have some of them to put a plaque down for him. i didnt want them just be scatered somewhere as he never existated. She answered NO. i said what are jou going to do with them? she didnt know. i said well i dont need to talke to jou anymore and hung up thinking this is it. 18 months later suddenly her sister in law turned up in my driveway with a plasticbag handing to me saying this is for jou! it is very praches to jou. well i thought maybe pictures as i never got any of the kids forall those jears and i had asked at the funeralfor some. she turned around and left bevor i even knew whats in the parcel it was heavy. Then it dawned on me. i could see black writing on a box. When i ltook it out it was a container from the funeralparlour with my sons ashes and she wrote on it in black texter. their done what they thought as a family with his ashes and are now at peace the rest is jours in the hope jou also find peace. jours etc etc. Now we were in SHOCK not knowing what to do. Later went and arranged to put him to rest where he was cremated in the first place. I kindly send a little note to her brother, as i have no adress of her she wont let me know were she is, and told her she is welcome to visit his grave anytime with the children. I thought this is the end of her at last. this was 7 months ago. jesterday i received a wishing wellcard for christmas from her and the children written by her with no adress on the back. I,am asking jou whats wrong with this women and what does she want now? i know its not sincere, its only to upset me again. IN all the 10 jears she has never send a christmascard . everytime i tryed to make contact she sabotaged it.
Its such a long story, but i think jou will understand it.
I can not open the link to the toxic relationship site.
+
I cannot either, they must have taken it down.
Any Relationship started on lies, little left outs, manipulation cannot go on indeffinetly unless that pattern stops and is dealt with.
In my case nothing was as it seemed. I didn't just meet my wife coincidentally as I thought, it was arranged. My Mother and her Sister knew each other and arranged for a meeting, the only one oblivious to this was me.
She told me a little white lie on our very first date, her and her sister went outside to smoke, I went looking for them after awhile and saw them dragging on a joint outside. When they got back I asked her if she smoked pot, she said no, I told her it was OK,I did occasionally, she still denied. As a kid talking to a beautiful woman I let it go as nothing...IT WASN'T "NOTHING" It was a SCREAMING bad sign.
My constantly being manipulated was about to start. My mom hated my girlfriend who had two small children, and apparently was desperate to get her out of the picture. What better way for her to accomplish this than with her own hand picked replacement for me? But of course it had to seem like it was my idea.My AA attending mom, who suggested I needed to relax, why not call Mickey and go over to Webbers for New Years Eve, something she NEVER WOULD HAVE SUGGESTED BEFORE, THAT I GO OUT DRINKING! So when I walked in that night and this girl acted like Elvis had just entered the room, and she was a big fan, my youthful Ego prevented me questioning anything. Things like my strict, religious mother who, even though it was MY HOUSE she was living at NEVER would havew put up with me having a girl spend the night, SUGGESTING this girl she supposedly just met could spend the night, no problem. Her being cool with her quickly spending weekends over. My mom making moves to eliminate the other girl through guilt once she convinced me to let the new girl move in, since the poor waif was out on the street BECAUSE SHE DATED ME. sniff sniff
I'm sure my mom felt she was doing this stuff FOR MY OWN GOOD. The problem? She was training my future wife to MANIPULATE me on everything instead of communicating her needs. My wife even said "his mother trained me well" several times in responce to people saying things like "I notice you never carry any money on you" REFERING TO ME PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.
So 18 years later you got a really screwed up alcoholic ending his marriage to a woman who hasn't had any real respect for him since the very day she met him. And him wondering what just happened to his perfect marriage. Yeah I know toxic relationship 101 LOL
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Seems like, legally a will is written- he can specifically exclude her. No law includes in-laws(the name is a misnomer-) they have no claim on any estate. The Surrogate's Court honors the will of the deceased, not some idiot trying to get money after the fact.She may want to read lexis/nexis, since she thinks shes so incredibly intelligent
Keep taking care of yourself. Making the choice to move away was hard but I think in the long run staying would have been much worse. Best to you
