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Dim I hear what you're saying but the 100 bucks is going to a therapist for now. I will get my budget in order within the next day or so as I had to change what is getting paid and what account they take it out of. I have a lawyer and even though she makes more money I still owe 17% of my salary for child support. She cheated so what? NY is a no fault state. She is also entitled to half of my pension when I finally decide to retire. Since she makes more than I do I'm trying to bargain let me keep the pension and she pays no alimony (as if they would ever give me alimony). There is a good chance that the alimony will be such a small amount that I would still be in the hole monthly which is why the best case for me is child support and I keep my pension. The lawyer said family court is designed to punish the man for being divorced. It also takes it's frustration out on men who work and pay their bills and taxes on time in order to compensate for the deadbeat dads who refuse to or don't do the right thing.
I totally understand, SKP. I think you get my point, and I know what it's like to be staring down the face of financial difficulty knowing that it's not what you had in mind all these years. It's a real crap sandwich, I tells ya!
During my first divorce, I lost half of all the money I'd been putting away in retirement accounts, gave her most of the furniture, took 65% of all debts (revolving), kept the house (she couldn't afford it), and settled at 30% child support since she was not going to be working (pregnant by the other guy) and I didn't want my girls to pay the price for her stupidity. It took me a LONG time to accept that as being something I had no control over, and I eventually had to let it all go so I could move on with my life.
Fortunately, I wasn't financially ruined as a result of the messy divorce, but it took some getting used to. I had to restructure some things in terms of bills and such, but it worked out. Your attorney should be able to refer you to a financial adviser if you need a little guidance in this area. Short/long-term planning is a challenge when things are up in the air as far as what options you may have at your disposal.
I would love to buy something, but now I have to make ends meet. When I was married my salary was used mostly to build up our savings, and as a cushion for paying bills. Now my salary has to do it all. Making sure funds are if youn the bank so that when they take the cash they can do so with no problem. Next worry are those "what if" things I just learned to stop worrying about because I saved the money. I also have to contribute a decent amount (17%) back to the house to help raise my daughter. In situations like these men have no choice but to work overtime, and yet they have to sometimes trade off spending time with the kids in order to make money. I get that we as men are supposed to suck it up and make it work (because from the court to the STBX they really don't give a damn as long as you pay. That's your problem.) How the hell is a father not living under the same roof as the kids supposed to be an effective parent?? Just my observation so far.
Have you talked with your lawyer about you getting custody? The courts aren't supposed to be completely biased toward one gender. I think you should especially if you have any concerns about the kind of men your ex will bring home and even risk her daughter's safety. There isn't any reason to just assume your ex is entitled to everything, maybe she should pack up and move out and be the one paying child support.
Anger is okay but what you really want to do is move past it. There are 7 stages of grief, so don't stay too long in any one stage. Start remembering everything single guys could do that you couldn't. Your midlife crisis will now be all yours, if you want a big motorcycle, there is no wife nixing the idea, you alone decide your vacation destination and plans. Freedom isn't all bad. Imagine a group of guys taking their harleys on a ride down a coast, or whatever, nothing stopping you now. Get a good lawyer, make sure you don't give up everything. You should have just two years of child support, you split the assets, she doesn't automatically get it all.
Have you talked with your lawyer about you getting custody? The courts aren't supposed to be completely biased toward one gender. I think you should especially if you have any concerns about the kind of men your ex will bring home and even risk her daughter's safety. There isn't any reason to just assume your ex is entitled to everything, maybe she should pack up and move out and be the one paying child support.
Anger is okay but what you really want to do is move past it. There are 7 stages of grief, so don't stay too long in any one stage. Start remembering everything single guys could do that you couldn't. Your midlife crisis will now be all yours, if you want a big motorcycle, there is no wife nixing the idea, you alone decide your vacation destination and plans. Freedom isn't all bad. Imagine a group of guys taking their harleys on a ride down a coast, or whatever, nothing stopping you now. Get a good lawyer, make sure you don't give up everything. You should have just two years of child support, you split the assets, she doesn't automatically get it all.
I don't doubt the safety of my daughter. My STBX may be "acting out" with the affair, but she would never put our daughter in harm's way. I can't say I don't mind being a "Weekend Dad" because I do. What I want for my daughter is for her life not to be interrupted. Sure it sucks having to start over again and pinch pennies this late in the game, but its the choice I have been forced into for now. Its a little hard to remember what life was like as a single man when I was NEVER a single man. I went from living at home with my parents right into joining being a cop, and living with her. A year later at 21 we were married.
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