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As for the question of living a life of quiet desperation, I respectfully disagree - completely. Most people live such lives - contentedly. Are you willing to forego everything, building a cabin in the remote woods, on the shore of a frozen pond, using nails reclaimed from a torn-down building? If not, we leave the true rebellion to Mr. Thoreau. The rest of us, as employees, as retirees, as students, as neighbors, as citizens, as husbands and wives, shall have to quietly swallow our desperation, for we are not sufficiently men and women to countenance the alternative.
Desperation and being content are mutually exclusive. I don't think most people live that way. If someone does, it's their own dang fault, and I don't want to hear their complaining. I think it's actually pretty irresponsible to toss away the one shot you're given. Sounds like you would have preferred your wife be miserable with you than happy any other way. I can't respect that. It's selfish.
And this is why the value system is rotting. People are being glorified for what they should be doing anyway. Not all of us buy into that. I will give credit to a good man for being a good man, but it is not taking him for granted to not glorify him for not abusing or cheating. It's PART of what makes him great, but it is also a basic element of human decency.
I blame that kind of thinking on Special Snowflake Syndrome. When kids get ribbons and trophies just for showing up, they grow up thinking they deserve adulation just for being present. Nope!
I'm so sorry you're in a bad place. I don't know that anything anyone says here is going to change much for you because you are really just going to have to go through it. It's a loss and, right now, you want to make sense out of something that you can't control and just may not make sense. The whys will get you every time.
I've read some of your past posts. I saw a pretty unhealthy dynamic, so this may have been brewing for quite some time. Either way, the anger is normal. It's a loss, as others have said. But try not to confuse her leaving or being with someone else with a lack of appreciation for what you did well in the relationship. Clearly, that was not the problem. People don't leave because of where the other succeeded. They leave because of what cannot be overcome. What you did right may mean something to her, it is just not enough to keep the marriage going. If it means nothing, good riddance.
Also, and this is not a popular position, but one that I think more people should consider.
That is not reality. Both parties can contribute to infidelity. And, yes, even the one who was "betrayed" can be solely responsible for creating the environment. That is all it takes. A lot of people focus on jthe end result and ignore the path that led there for the sake of morally superiority. But here is the reality; we don't just have an obligation to be faithful. We must also create and maintain an environment of fidelity. We don't commit to go without; spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially. There is no glory in it and no one should ever have to. Even the most faithful will crack. Now, if you know in your heart you did right by her, then nothing she says can make it any less true. It's offensive, yes. But a lie, nonetheless. If you think, in any way, that you may have contributed, then maybe you can work on that. Either way, I wish you all the best and may the pain subside sooner than later.
Me being faithful, never striking my wife, and bringing home the money to financially take care of my family are things I'm supposed to do as a man. I got that. I don't expect anything special for that. But how did I cause her to cheat?? I take responsibility for what I did to end the marriage, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life, but I didn't tell her to go and be with someone else thus helping her make the decision she made. Maybe its because I don't fully understand the concept of creating the environment to cheat. I'm a little confused by that one. Over the 24 years of our marriage I have been tempted to stray, but decided that the marriage was more important to save than the sexual satisfaction. I can respect it all if she decided to pursue the relationship AFTER the divorce, but to do it and try to push me out the door (along with denying its even going on and at the same time giving the details to her friends) is humiliating and disrespectful to me. It made my depression that much worse, although my depression is not an excuse. That I did not deserve. If I did that to her then fine. I guess that's why I made the earlier statement in the first place.
Me being faithful, never striking my wife, and bringing home the money to financially take care of my family are things I'm supposed to do as a man. I got that. I don't expect anything special for that. But how did I cause her to cheat?? I take responsibility for what I did to end the marriage, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life, but I didn't tell her to go and be with someone else thus helping her make the decision she made. Maybe its because I don't fully understand the concept of creating the environment to cheat. I'm a little confused by that one. Over the 24 years of our marriage I have been tempted to stray, but decided that the marriage was more important to save than the sexual satisfaction. I can respect it all if she decided to pursue the relationship AFTER the divorce, but to do it and try to push me out the door (along with denying its even going on and at the same time giving the details to her friends) is humiliating and disrespectful to me. That I did not deserve. If I did that to her then fine. I guess that's why I made the earlier statement in the first place.
It's rare that I disagree with PassTheChocolate, but on this occasion, I do.
You didn't cause your wife to cheat. She made that decision herself. Ultimately, the decision to cheat lies with the cheater. No one holds a gun to anyone's head and says, "Get close to this outsider and go to bed with him." She chose to interact with him, and if she slept with him, she chose to do that, too.
If she had any courage, she'd have ended your marriage when she started feeling drawn to this other guy. My marriage was doomed for a number of reasons, but it took me being able to see myself out there dating, and dating one person in particular, to set the divorce in motion. Never ended up dating that particular guy, anyway. (And thank goodness, because he was a mess with a pretty outer shell.) But my attraction to him was a catalyst for the end of the marriage. It was the great big neon sign telling me that I had already checked out. Now, there are plenty of men out there who would have no problem getting with a married woman, but I could not have destroyed either my ex or my own self-respect that way. He deserved more than that, for all the friendship and years we had together before we very stupidly (for us) decided to get married. And me, well, I like being able to look myself in the eye in the mirror.
Cheating is ultimately a sign of a lack of respect for self and others. Although you did your 50% of harm in the failing of the marriage, your wife is responsible for her actions, including who she gets close to emotionally and who she opens her legs for. That's all on her.
Thank you all for your advice. To answer a question that psichick asked according to both my Therapist and Medical Doctor the anger I feel is in fact due in large part to my depression. I just have to pick up the pieces and get myself better mentally and then learn from the mistakes I made in order to be a better person. I do wish this pain would go away. I would not wish this on anyone. I don't know exactly what I said last night, but now my therapist wants to see me twice a week.
Well, at least you know the root of the anger. Good luck on getting a hold on it. Not sure if you're up for it, but drugs help a lot. It doesn't make things better, but it allows you to cope better. And it's typically a temporary thing unless you have MDD. Just thought I'd throw that out there. I deal with depression to, so I get it. Keep going to therapy and most of all, be honest with them. The anger will subside with the depression, which is good and will help you feel more in control again.
Me being faithful, never striking my wife, and bringing home the money to financially take care of my family are things I'm supposed to do as a man. I got that. I don't expect anything special for that. But how did I cause her to cheat?? I take responsibility for what I did to end the marriage, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life, but I didn't tell her to go and be with someone else thus helping her make the decision she made. Maybe its because I don't fully understand the concept of creating the environment to cheat. I'm a little confused by that one. Over the 24 years of our marriage I have been tempted to stray, but decided that the marriage was more important to save than the sexual satisfaction. I can respect it all if she decided to pursue the relationship AFTER the divorce, but to do it and try to push me out the door (along with denying its even going on and at the same time giving the details to her friends) is humiliating and disrespectful to me. It made my depression that much worse, although my depression is not an excuse. That I did not deserve. If I did that to her then fine. I guess that's why I made the earlier statement in the first place.
I don't think it's your fault at all that your wife cheated and I hope you don't feel that way. If she was unhappy enough to cheat, she should have walked out first. My marriage was sexless for 3 years and it took me that long to finally get out. But I never cheated, regardless of me wanting to or not. Most times, women cheat for emotional reasons, not sexual (that's typically why men cheat). If your wife felt you were emotionally unavailable, it's probably why she cheated. My first husband denied his mistress up until the day we divorced. I found out 10 years later, he was still with her (married her actually) and that they had been together 6 months after we got married. Talk about a slap to the face. Trust me, I get it.
After being with you for that many years, the least your x could have done was have enough respect to leave you first. Take responsibility for what happened or why you weren't emotionally available, but her cheating, that's on her, not you. And to be honest, I'd look into what she said, but I'd also take it with a grain of salt. For all we know, she's making things up to get out. I know my cheating xh did just that. He started listing all these stupid reasons why he wanted out. I realized they were just excuses for him to push me to getting a divorce.
I don't think it's your fault at all that your wife cheated and I hope you don't feel that way. If she was unhappy enough to cheat, she should have walked out first. My marriage was sexless for 3 years and it took me that long to finally get out. But I never cheated, regardless of me wanting to or not. Most times, women cheat for emotional reasons, not sexual (that's typically why men cheat). If your wife felt you were emotionally unavailable, it's probably why she cheated. My first husband denied his mistress up until the day we divorced. I found out 10 years later, he was still with her (married her actually) and that they had been together 6 months after we got married. Talk about a slap to the face. Trust me, I get it.
After being with you for that many years, the least your x could have done was have enough respect to leave you first. Take responsibility for what happened or why you weren't emotionally available, but her cheating, that's on her, not you. And to be honest, I'd look into what she said, but I'd also take it with a grain of salt. For all we know, she's making things up to get out. I know my cheating xh did just that. He started listing all these stupid reasons why he wanted out. I realized they were just excuses for him to push me to getting a divorce.
You so hit the nail on the head. I knew why she is unhappy, but it seemed as though she was in a real rush to get me out the door. Her decision was largely based on what I said to her when she was having trouble at work (BTW she is leaving her present job for another Executive position in a city Hospital that will pay her $20,000 more!! And it turned out as I did originally said to her in the beginning of this that these moves were probably being made to get her ready to take over the company as she was told earlier this year that would be the plan. IMO with her taking the new position she can freely date the IT guy at her old job w/o any backlash from HR!!
Well, at least you know the root of the anger. Good luck on getting a hold on it. Not sure if you're up for it, but drugs help a lot. It doesn't make things better, but it allows you to cope better. And it's typically a temporary thing unless you have MDD. Just thought I'd throw that out there. I deal with depression to, so I get it. Keep going to therapy and most of all, be honest with them. The anger will subside with the depression, which is good and will help you feel more in control again.
I have just been put back on Wellbutrin. I didn't want to go back on meds, but I had to. I Would not have been able to handle all that I have to now without it.
I guess it was bound to happen, but yesterday she went out after work and never came home. She finally spent the night at the other guy's apartment. This morning our 16 year old daughter knocked on the bedroom door and asked where she was. I didn't say anything and just grabbed my bag and headed out to work. As I left I could hear (my wife's cousin who stays with us during the week and basically takes care of the house while we go to work) tell her I think she left early this morning.
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