Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
SKP,
I realize that you are just venting right now. Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to and lean on? You really do need to talk and get it out of your system.
Why are you proceeding with holiday celebrations? You can be out of the house soon. It doesn't make sense. If she comes around to berate you again, tell her it's not a normal situation and you're no longer engaged and if she wants it done, to do it herself. Focus whatever energy you have left on your relationship with your daughter, I think that she needs more support now than ever.
I appreciate your need to vent, but you have to stop coming here to update and take charge of your situation.
Tell your wife to move in with the BF.
You cannot continue to live as if everything is in the same. Bring up the decorations???
Research custody issues and ask around about getting yourself a reputable attorney.
Begin to separate your finances.
File for divorce.
There is no doubt that this Christmas will not be anywhere close to picture perfect for any of you. But the way you can help your daughter is to begin to extricate yourself from this toxic situation.
Don't let your anger and bitterness overflow into her life. Maintain her as a priority, but for God's sake, help yourself by taking steps to move on.
As of next week I will finally be out of the house. I found an apartment. March 1 I will be a single man waiting for the divorce to be finalized. In the meantime I have dealt with making up a budget and figuring out just how much OT I will have to do just to continue to be able to add to savings (my straight salary just covers all of my bills and money to care for my daughter. I still get EXTREMELY ANGRY when my STBX spends the night at her boyfriend's house. She can only get away with this because of my job. She knows if I loose it I run the risk of loosing my pension and freedom, so in the final few weeks I have been avoiding her like the plague. We have been pleasant with each other, and I have learned breathing exercises to deal with the anxiety. Once again last night she spent the night at his house and I broke down and cried most of last night. I did not get any sleep and I barely got it together to go to work today. Why this reaction now?? I thought I was past all of this and starting to heal. My therapist keeps saying that he wonders why she is playing such a dangerous game. I no longer carry my weapons home for just that reason and will probably continue to do so even after I move. This next week can't go by quick enough.
As of next week I will finally be out of the house. I found an apartment. March 1 I will be a single man waiting for the divorce to be finalized. In the meantime I have dealt with making up a budget and figuring out just how much OT I will have to do just to continue to be able to add to savings (my straight salary just covers all of my bills and money to care for my daughter. I still get EXTREMELY ANGRY when my STBX spends the night at her boyfriend's house. She can only get away with this because of my job. She knows if I loose it I run the risk of loosing my pension and freedom, so in the final few weeks I have been avoiding her like the plague. We have been pleasant with each other, and I have learned breathing exercises to deal with the anxiety. Once again last night she spent the night at his house and I broke down and cried most of last night. I did not get any sleep and I barely got it together to go to work today. Why this reaction now?? I thought I was past all of this and starting to heal. My therapist keeps saying that he wonders why she is playing such a dangerous game. I no longer carry my weapons home for just that reason and will probably continue to do so even after I move. This next week can't go by quick enough.
Sounds like you just really hate the fact that you are struggling with it all and she's going on with her life like nothing happened. This is the bad part about breakups. The person who initiates the breakup, especially if it comes as a surprise to the other partner, has typically checked out of the relationship long before telling you. They don't feel the grief when it officially ends, because they have already processed the grief. When the relationship officially ends, they are already refreshed to see someone else. It stinks to be the surprised participant, but such is life these days. You either bob and weave the punches or you get TKO'd.
I think once you truly begin the process of being in your own place, the healing process will really begin. You are too close to the situation right now, and that is why you can't move on. Once you get your own place and get your own routine down, you won't have time to think about her or who she is with
Thanks for the update, SKP. I was actually just thinking about your situation the other day and wondering how it turned out.
I agree with Raptor and weezer. It seems like your wife isn't struggling because she gave up long ago. You, on the other hand, were totally blind-sided, and she has no sympathy for it at all. She isn't worth being upset over, but obviously I understand why you still are. You were married for a long time and you said you are not used to being alone.
Like Raptor said, the healing process will start when you move out. You will still have bad days, but eventually you will get back to the place where you have more good days than bad days. I know it probably seems impossible, but it WILL happen.
To avoid further confrontation I'm spending this weekend at my parents house. I really can't be in the same area as my STBX right now because I'm honestly afraid of what I may do to her. Thank you all for the advice and I hope to be in a better place once I leave on March 1.
SKP440, your situation is serious, but not desperate. Presently you likely feel bamboozled, betrayed, treated like a bumbling idiot by your ex. Nobody here has the standing to minimize your predicament or to sprinkle happy-dust on a gaping wound. But we can and do say that your situation is far from unusual. Yes, the details will be particular to every situation. But the central theme of a spouse who felt "unfulfilled" in the marriage, and whose erstwhile love morphed into indifference and even animosity, is one of the widespread maladies of our times.
Presently the most important subject is the financial consequences of the divorce; namely, how to minimize the damage. Focus on that, and use that focus to distract your mind from the emotional ravages of losing a person for who decades loved you.
Do you know the trope about the "stages of grief"? There is much truth in that. Eventually comes the final stage, acceptance. That doesn't mean forgiveness of a forcing of oneself to act as if nothing happened. Much has happened, and much will never revert to its prior state. But eventually one realizes that further struggle is only self-defeating, that acceptance of the fundamental unfairness of life is the only means of precluding the onslaught of yet new unfairness.
To avoid further confrontation I'm spending this weekend at my parents house. I really can't be in the same area as my STBX right now because I'm honestly afraid of what I may do to her. Thank you all for the advice and I hope to be in a better place once I leave on March 1.
Look, that's crazy talk. Get a grip.
Every time you have a thought of doing something "to" her, force yourself to think of your daughter instead.
SHE NEEDS YOU. And she needs her mother.
What she does NOT need is her dad indulging his anger and losing it.
I understand that you are angry, hurt and feeling rejected. We've all been there in various ways in our lives, but I'm still really sorry for your pain.
Just keep reminding yourself, this too shall pass. IT REALLY WILL, if you let it.
Lots of physical exertion would be extremely good for you right now. You need to be in the gym or out chopping firewood every day okay? This will seriously help you get rid of your anger and aggression.
Thanks for the update - so glad you came back to give one.
To avoid further confrontation I'm spending this weekend at my parents house. I really can't be in the same area as my STBX right now because I'm honestly afraid of what I may do to her. Thank you all for the advice and I hope to be in a better place once I leave on March 1.
What exactly do you mean by this?
I didn't read this whole thread but if this is your attitude then it's no wonder why she got fed up.
Life is too short to carry that kind of anger around. I hope for your sake you are getting help.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
