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Commitment phobes don't have 4 year relationships.
Listen to NilaJ if no one else. You're not ready to date. All those issues and now a suicide? Criminy. I HATE HATE HATE the therapy card, but dammit, suitable here.
As I already told Nila in another thread I already sought counseling for these issues as well as grief therapy. It didnt really change anything for me. Though I admit peace somewhat with my moms death.
Is it possible that I have intimacy issues that have developed as I've aged? I don't remember being this way when I met my last bf.
I mean I wasn't ready for sex but I don't remember being so scary about it as I am now.
I moved really fast in my ltr relationship and regretted it. He honestly pressured me into sex amongst other things and made me feel stupid about not engaging with him on these things right away. Honestly I was just submitting to peer pressure and doing what I thought he wanted. Since I'm older and know myself more i would never do things Im not ready for or do things to impress someone I'm dating.
He has a better body then my ex and I do want him sexually and think about it often but am uncomfortable with physical intimacy because I'm insecure about my body and feel awkward about sex. I do def. desire him though. I've had sex dreams about him lol.
Plenty of women are like you are like this. Let me guess, if this guy was a jerk or a total douchebag you would have probably gave him sexton before the 3rd date.
Plenty of women are like you are like this. Let me guess, if this guy was a jerk or a total douchebag you would have probably gave him sexton before the 3rd date.
Nope, I don't engage in casual sex. And would not be comfortable having sex on the third date. Especially to a douche.
As I already told Nila in another thread I already sought counseling for these issues as well as grief therapy. It didnt really change anything for me. Though I admit peace somewhat with my moms death.
Is it possible that I have intimacy issues that have developed as I've aged? I don't remember being this way when I met my last bf.
I mean I wasn't ready for sex but I don't remember being so scary about it as I am now.
I've been around this board for a long time and I've even posted my own issues in the past, but I've never seen anyone post about every single thought they have about their relationship...and you're not even officially in a relationship yet. The first couple months of dating a new person should be fun. If you have to question and analyze every single thing, then something is wrong whether it's because this is the wrong person for you or because you're just not ready for a relationship.
This guy seems like a pretty decent guy. He invited you to meet his family and friends and has been patient for two months without even kissing you. He even rejected kissing you because he didn't want to take advantage of you while you were drunk! I would go outside and do cart wheels in the yard if I liked a guy and he wanted me to meet important people in his life and was willing to get to know me at my own pace.
Why don't you let this guy go so he can find someone else. All you are doing is playing games. Maybe not on purpose, but you obviously have some issues and are confused about what you want. It's not fair to drag another person along while you figure yourself out.
As I already told Nila in another thread I already sought counseling for these issues as well as grief therapy. It didnt really change anything for me. Though I admit peace somewhat with my moms death.
Did we talk in the other thread about interviewing counselors? You can't just go to one -- you have to interview 4 or 5. Or more, if you don't click with the first 5.
Basically you have 3 choices:
- Find the right counselor.
- Don't ever date again.
- Have relationships that make you and your partner unhappy.
This is not something that will get better by itself, or with the help of an understanding partner. It's a job for a professional. And I want you to have that, because I want you to have a happy life.
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Is it possible that I have intimacy issues that have developed as I've aged? I don't remember being this way when I met my last bf.
It seems pretty clear that you are this way because of your last bf. And you can change back, but not without help.
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I mean I wasn't ready for sex but I don't remember being so scary about it as I am now.
That's the thing, like I said things have moved really slow physically just hand-holding, hugs, etc. he's a quiet and reserved guy and I'm shy too so it wasnt a big deal. I mean I thought that maybe the comment could have alluded to something else. I never call him and he calls me. And lately I've been putting distance between us. He had complained for instance the other day because I always avoid him and won't let him walk me to my car(we work together) or sometimes I will just ignore him or I won't take a break with him like I used to, etc. and I know he constantly reads into things more than i feel like a guy would. So I wondered if maybe he just meant something else entirely. Like maybe he's just trying to be with me. But the comment seemed sexual and I don't want to read too much into it.
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Originally Posted by Faith2187
I admit I play a lot of games with him, and if I feel myself catching too many feelings I start ignoring or avoiding him and purposely trying to sabotage things to push him away. Not intentionally but it's just what I do to avoid getting too caught up and getting hurt. After having break with him yesterday I don't think he was making a sexual innuendo or trying to talk dirty. At the same time I didnt ask him what the comment meant he's always telling me I read into everything too much and that I should just relax. Maybe the real reason Im struggling with this is because he is the first guy I've had a difficult time reading. He's just a little weird so I find myself reading into things more than I probably need to. I'm not sure if its because I'm rusty but typically I'm good at reading the guys I'm into. It bothers me because the other day he made a guess about me and was very accurate and I asked him how he knew that about me and he said that he can read me very well and I asked he
If it was because I was transparent and he said it wasn't it was just that he pays close attention to me and I feel like I'm doing the same with him but I find myself always perplexed by him. I've never dated a guy like him so I suppose that's why I'm staying distant because I need to figure him out more before I put too many feelings in it or sleep with him.
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Originally Posted by Faith2187
I guess the reason I'm skeptical is because he was in a 4 year relationship and dumped the girl. He said he was a big commitment phobe and that's why they broke up. It was a huge red flag. And I did confront him but he claims he's not like that anymore but I guess I'm just looking for reasons to avoiding getting too close to anyone. My mom passed away last year due to suicide and so I know that is partially why I am trying so hard not to put myself out there too much with anyone I don't want to get hurt anymore.
Oh you poor thing. You admit to all this juvenile behavior and have the audacity to say you don't want to be hurt. Do this fine young man a favor and leave him alone...he deserves much better.
I think the reason I play games with him and analyze his every move is because point blank he's weird. First he invites me to the weirdest dates-between asking me to go with him to take his cousins trick or treating and meet his aunt and uncle, to wanting me to meet his bro the third week of knowing each other, to inviting me out with 9 of his friends and referring to it as a date, to the most recent request of going out with him for drinks to go see a promo for his female friend to when I looked it up it was basically half-naked girls serving whiskey. Like seriously? Lol.
Then he does weird things like I'm way on the other end of the floor that we work in and he is constantly coming over to my desk and playing pranks-pouring water on me, placing my phone on mute, stealing things from My desk when I'm not looking and then a more creepy thing sending me screen shots from his phone that indicate he was by my cubicle when I wasn't looking. He is constantly popping behind me when I'm not looking and knows when I do things like the bathroom for instance. I believe he told my team leader something about me because he did mention that she had asked about me and him but never told me what he told her. Then the other day I made the mistake of taking a break with him in a secluded area and the team leader happened to walk by and she gave us this look and he gave her a knowing smile. So I asked him what he told her about me and he told me it doesn't matter because she already suspected something was going on and stop worrying about it and reading into things.so he wouldn't told me what he told her but I have a feeling that its due to him blabbing that she suspects something anyway.
He reads into things too much for a guy--I don't text him Back right away or chat with him he asks me if I'm mad at him, etc.
like I said the not kissing me when I was drunk really threw me off because it had seemed like he was attracted to me and I truly felt an erection from him when we hugged and like I said I know he's hooked up with friends that were females when drunk, so why a big deal when I ask for a kiss.
Most recently I told him I was thinking about moving back to the state I moved from and he wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day. He won't come out and tell me verbally whether he likes me or not but just says subtle things like: "open your eyes your the only girl I've let meet my friends, that I talk with all day, that I take breaks and lunch with etc" or "I wasnt rejecting you when I didnt kiss you i just wanted a rain check" or "I can read you and pay attention closely to you" etc. but always honest about how I feel to him.
Finally the most recent thing I've tried doing is just friend-zoning him and pulling back hence the not walking with him to my car
, avoiding him etc. and I'm sure he knows. I've even referred to him as a friend really because I don't get him. And the other day when he had creepily came over to my desk a call came in from the state I used to live in and I immediately hid my phone from him and he was like "who is that your booty-call? What's his name etc" he then went back to his desk but then when it was time to leave again he asked me "what's his name why won't you tell me? We're friends right-from one friend to another tell me what his name is" and i was just like "don't worry about it". I could tell he was mad though. Then the next day he brought it up AGAIN., and he ignored me last evening when I asked him for general guy advice(which he usually gives me).
This is in between some crude comments he made. Ugh. He's just weird and I honestly don't get him. I get the vibe that something is off with him or just I feel creepy at times like maybe he is way into me but I'm not sure. I do like him but I find his behavior so odd that I feel forced to pull away.
Oh you poor thing. You admit to all this juvenile behavior and have the audacity to say you don't want to be hurt. Do this fine young man a favor and leave him alone...he deserves much better.
He is more juvenile then me. All the pranks etc. i don't even feel safe leaving my purse or phone out on my desk for fear that he will take it in an attempt to play a prank on me. I'm paranoid that he's always behind me-or that he's going to pop up on me. He knows where I live(I made the mistake of giving him my address and he googled it and revealed that his best friend lives down the street from me. So I'm now paranoid about that, it's just a weird situation. Thankfully he will be moving to another work building in January. I don't know what to do in terms of ending things because i do still kind of like him and I've tried ignoring him or friend-zoning him and he just comes up to my desk anyway, pokes me or tries to scare me etc. idk.
I've been around this board for a long time and I've even posted my own issues in the past, but I've never seen anyone post about every single thought they have about their relationship...and you're not even officially in a relationship yet. The first couple months of dating a new person should be fun. If you have to question and analyze every single thing, then something is wrong whether it's because this is the wrong person for you or because you're just not ready for a relationship.
This guy seems like a pretty decent guy. He invited you to meet his family and friends and has been patient for two months without even kissing you. He even rejected kissing you because he didn't want to take advantage of you while you were drunk! I would go outside and do cart wheels in the yard if I liked a guy and he wanted me to meet important people in his life and was willing to get to know me at my own pace.
Why don't you let this guy go so he can find someone else. All you are doing is playing games. Maybe not on purpose, but you obviously have some issues and are confused about what you want. It's not fair to drag another person along while you figure yourself out.
I don't think it's that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just think Its that he is a very weird guy and I don't know how to proceed. And a guy wanting you to meet important people in his life after barely knowing you, would cause you to do cartwheels really? It wouldn't send off red flags? Maybe if that was the only isolated weird thing he did, I wouldn't be analyzing but he seems very awkward with dating and I'm unsure of why. I just can't shake this feeling that something is "up" or wrong. I do feel ready for a relationship/dating though I'm just not willing to put my heart on the line until I'm sure a guy is relationship material.
edit: just read your last few posts, sounds like the guy is a loser with no spine. The real men won't wait two months to take things sexual and won't play games. How are we supposed to know if we want to invest time in you if we haven't slept with you, thats a huge part of a relationship. I can be attracted to a girl then have sex with her and lose it completely, we end up having no compatibility in bed. Best to find that out sooner rather than later, not invest two months in her only to figure that out.
drop this guy and find a real guy who gets it.
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