Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 11-26-2013, 08:42 PM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,940 posts, read 36,716,568 times
Reputation: 40634

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vic 2.0 View Post
That hardly makes it alright. If someone puts their private parts on a glass you're about to drink out of, it's kinda... wrong... right?

How do you make the leap from what I said to "Vic might think sex is gross"?

Shouldn't have to do any of that, which is my point. People shouldn't be having sex with one person while dating another. Not without at least telling them! It's common sense. Yes, whether the subject matter is comical to imagine (happening to someone else, once more) or not, where something I'm about to put my lips on has been is my business.
Why not? If they're not in a monogamous relationship, its perfectly fine. That is common sense, really.

Seriously though, you seem squeamish about sex. If a girl you go on a date with gave head that morning and kissed you that night, what would gross you out about it ? Do you think there is some transitive property that will make it similar to you giving head to a guy? If you're kissing someone you're kissing them. That is it. It isn't like you're sharing their last lover or what they had for dinner. Hahaha. Such a ridiculous concept.

It certainly seems you aren't ripe for dating anyone that is poly! And a threesome would blow your mind I think.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-26-2013, 08:45 PM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,940 posts, read 36,716,568 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vic 2.0 View Post
Forgive me, but this is another swing and a miss. Maybe the person answering does believe in only dating one person at a time... Still doesn't stop them from having sex with a friend while dating that one person! And of course none of those questions are a surefire way.

As of yet, the only surefire way to know whether a woman's having sex with someone else while dating you, that we've found here on the board, can be reasonably considered "offensive".

What part of exclusive monogamous relationship do you not still understand?

If a person is cheating, they're cheating, and nothing you will ask will find that, but more importantly, nothing we're discussing here has anything to do with cheating. It is an entirely separate discussion.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 08:59 PM
 
Location: TX
6,486 posts, read 6,355,239 times
Reputation: 2628
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Why not? If they're not in a monogamous relationship, its perfectly fine. That is common sense, really.
The one specific thing that makes polyamorous relationships "perfectly fine" is the fact that all involved are supposed to know what's going on before there's any touching, kissing, or sex. Otherwise, yes, this too is despicable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Seriously though, you seem squeamish about sex.
...You're not ever going to articulate how anything I've said gave you that impression, are you?

And you didn't answer my question about someone (let's say some guy) secretly putting his penis on a glass you're about to drink from. Just give it a simple, honest answer. Is this wrong or a-ok in your opinion? I mean by your logic, if you don't know about it, what's the big deal, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
If a girl you go on a date with gave head that morning and kissed you that night, what would gross you out about it ?
Well that's assuming there is that much time between. The girl in the OP's case may have had sex with her friend right before her dates, to make sure she wasn't tempted to have sex with the OP, who knows? And I'm going to wait for an answer to my question if that's okay with you, since I asked mine first

Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Do you think there is some transitive property that will make it similar to you giving head to a guy?
Not at all, but knowing about it and being okay with it? Yeah, that's a little questionable.

This really doesn't have to involve psychology, though. Just physically. It's gross, IMO, and I do think I speak for a large fraction of heterosexual males.

Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
If you're kissing someone you're kissing them. That is it. It isn't like you're sharing their last lover or what they had for dinner. Hahaha. Such a ridiculous concept.
I think the only thing ridiculous about any of it is the probability of it happening at all. "Are you sexually active with another guy while dating me?" is not a question that should need asking. Not because "it's none of your business!" but because you should be able to assume the answer is no.

Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
It certainly seems you aren't ripe for dating anyone that is poly! And a threesome would blow your mind I think.
Well, naturally. Although of course, I'd have to appeal to another principle entirely to turn a threesome with two girls down
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 09:01 PM
 
Location: TX
6,486 posts, read 6,355,239 times
Reputation: 2628
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
What part of exclusive monogamous relationship do you not still understand?

If a person is cheating, they're cheating, and nothing you will ask will find that, but more importantly, nothing we're discussing here has anything to do with cheating. It is an entirely separate discussion.
Lol, true, so why are you talking about it?

"An exclusive monogamous relationship" was not in the post I was replying to. Maybe that's why I didn't understand its use there, because it wasn't used there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 09:01 PM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,773,634 times
Reputation: 10821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vic 2.0 View Post
Forgive me, but this is another swing and a miss. Maybe the person answering does believe in only dating one person at a time... Still doesn't stop them from having sex with a friend while dating that one person! And of course none of those questions are a surefire way.

As of yet, the only surefire way to know whether a woman's having sex with someone else while dating you, that we've found here on the board, can be reasonably considered "offensive".
I'm not sure what you mean. I said he could play with the wording if you feel the question is too vague. The only point is to be upfront about what you want and ask them what they want. Yeah people can lie... but that's always true. There's no surefire way to know short of implanting a video camera in someone's skull. You have to make a jugdment call. That's the way the world works with everything. Friends, lovers, coworkers, whatever. You decide who you will believe.

You could just go around never trusting anyone ever if you like, but it makes it mighty hard to have a normal life and happiness. Just trust yourself and your ability to handle a mistake if you make one. That's just how life is.

I had these convos frequently when I was single, it just wasn't as complicated as you are making it seem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vic 2.0 View Post
I think the only thing ridiculous about any of it is the probability of it happening at all. "Are you sexually active with another guy while dating me?" is not a question that should need asking. Not because "it's none of your business!" but because you should be able to assume the answer is no.
Holy cow. LOL.

Or he could just say "I broke up with my last GF because I found out she had a FWB during the period before we got physical. I didn't like that. Is my preference a problem for you?"

And she'll answer.

Do I need to come up with more ways to ask for you? It's not that hard.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 09:22 PM
 
Location: TX
6,486 posts, read 6,355,239 times
Reputation: 2628
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
I'm not sure what you mean. I said he could play with the wording if you feel the question is too vague. The only point is to be upfront about what you want and ask them what they want. Yeah people can lie... but that's always true. There's no surefire way to know short of implanting a video camera in someone's skull.
That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying that in order to not be too vague, the man almost has to offend the woman to get the answer to a question he shouldn't even have to ask.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Or he could just say "I broke up with my last GF because I found out she had a FWB during the period before we got physical. I didn't like that. Is my preference a problem for you?"

And she'll answer.
Lying? That's your ace in the hole, a suggestion that he starts off by lying to her? I'm almost pushed to say "Okay you win!" for fear of what you might come up with next...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Do I need to come up with more ways to ask for you? It's not that hard.
Apparently it is! Lol.

And yes, IMO, a man should be able to assume a woman's not sexually active with one man while she's dating another.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 09:26 PM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,773,634 times
Reputation: 10821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vic 2.0 View Post

Lying? That's your ace in the hole, a suggestion that he starts off by lying to her? I'm almost pushed to say "Okay you win!" for fear of what you might come up with next...
HOW IS THAT LYING????!!!

Isn't that what he just said happened? Now I'm confused. He said she was sleeping with this guy while he was waiting. What are you talking about?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 09:29 PM
 
Location: TX
6,486 posts, read 6,355,239 times
Reputation: 2628
Sorry, I see our misunderstanding now. I'm talking about in general. Men in general are likely to not want this sort of situation, and men in general shouldn't have to ask such a ridiculous question (or wait until it happens so they'll have the perfect way to ask it without lying).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 09:33 PM
 
4,701 posts, read 4,040,951 times
Reputation: 2483
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Or he could just say "I broke up with my last GF because I found out she had a FWB during the period before we got physical. I didn't like that. Is my preference a problem for you?"
Or she could ask him what his preferences are, and if he is okay with her having a friends with benefits while they are waiting for sex. One of the main components of dating is to talk less about yourself and find out more about your date.

I bet 9 out of 10 times, he won't think it is acceptable. So yes, not telling him is just dishonest.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-26-2013, 09:42 PM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,773,634 times
Reputation: 10821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vic 2.0 View Post
Sorry, I see our misunderstanding now. I'm talking about in general. Men in general are likely to not want this sort of situation, and men in general shouldn't have to ask such a ridiculous question (or wait until it happens so they'll have the perfect way to ask it without lying).
Oh I see. No worries.

I don't know, I mean I stopped dating in the early 2000s, things couldn't have changed that fast. I swear it was normal to start seeing someone and have a convo at some point in the very early stages about expectations. Who doesn't talk about it? I can't wrap my brain around that conversation being somehow "ridiculous".

I mean, "Are you single?", "Are you seeing anyone else?" "Do you have a boyfriend?"... these things happen before you even go out, no? Before you even get a phone number.

People with any sense will say whether they are looking for something serious or just dating around in the first real convo or during the first real date. That's just normal.

And yeah, exclusivity is usually in there sometime. Are we together? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? I don't want to see anyone but you, what do you want? Where is this going? These questions have been asked since forever. How do you not ask those questions? How do you not get answers? I don't understand this concept.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Camlon View Post
Or she could ask him what his preferences are, and if he is okay with her having a friends with benefits while they are waiting for sex. One of the main components of dating is to talk less about yourself and find out more about your date.

I bet 9 out of 10 times, he won't think it is acceptable. So yes, not telling him is just dishonest.
I agree that at some point, if you are not being exclusive, it should be made clear. In the early stages fine if it hasn't come up (like a date or two), but if things start looking like they are getting serious you need to make sure everyone knows what's up.

That said, I never think it's good to assume anything that hasn't been explicitly stated.

The irony is, WOMEN are typically the ones burned by this type of situation. Its funny to see all these men on the other side. LOL
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top