Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You're story is interesting, more so because you're guy seems to be the emotional twin of my guy. Same scenario, down on his luck guy, nothing ever goes right for him... and is able to work out a FWB deal with you while giving up nothing of himself. You go out of your way to try to draw him out, be positive about how things will get better for him.
My story is only 4 months old, but I see a pattern. A new play by the kind of player I've never encountered before. The ultimate victim. I figured out about a month ago that it's a kind of psychological warfare game for him. Being the victim, none of the women he's involved with ever make demands or expect anything from him. I think it's the kind of brilliant, evil genius that I admire. I don't mind it, actually, because I don't want a relationship right now with anybody anyway.
It's admirable that you want to find anything that might help him out of where he's at, but realize that if this is a new trend, a new play the players are using, you're just playing his game.
I'm not worried about that. For one thing, he didn't have to make up this stuff or play it up. I was quite happy to just have an FWB/NSA situation, and made that very clear long before he trotted this stuff out. He could have been having sex any night of the week with me. I was mainly thrilled to find someone who had chemistry with me and whose mouth I didn't want to tape shut.
And he's not into being the victim. When I first met him, things were on a brief upswing, and he was clearly proud of the things he'd accomplished in his life and excited about his future. He was proud of his competence at his job and all sorts of things, and very "take charge." This is not a guy who likes playing the victim, which is why I think he's so depressed right now.
And he's not into being the victim. When I first met him, things were on a brief upswing, and he was clearly proud of the things he'd accomplished in his life and excited about his future. He was proud of his competence at his job and all sorts of things, and very "take charge." This is not a guy who likes playing the victim, which is why I think he's so depressed right now.
Well, I do think that people (of any gender) generally either refuse to date when they are going through a rough time because they don't want to take advantage, or they let partners and prospective partners give too much.
I mean, walking the line between those two would be very difficult on his end at the best of times, and right now it would take more energy and attention than he can spare. And you can't do it for him, because doing that would be a classic example of doing too much.
I am excited for you, because a crush is an awesome thing to have, but this looks like a hard road.
Part of the problem is that depression really does a number on the depressed person's sense of empathy, and ability to put themselves in the other's shoes.
Part of the problem is that depression really does a number on the depressed person's sense of empathy, and ability to put themselves in the other's shoes.
Yeah, I'm watching out for that. I've been depressed, so I know that it can sometimes make you into a bit of a monster sometimes. But he's mostly been scrupulous about not imposing or expecting - the big problem was his regular disappearances which were confusing in the context of his other behavior. Now I know the reason, which explains a lot.
What I know about depression (or any mental illness, really) is that it can turn into an endless drain on the emotions of anyone who tosses themselves into the mix. So I'm acutely aware of boundaries at this point, but he hasn't really violated any.
Part of me says to cut my losses and bail. But that's just the coldly practical part. That same lobe of my brain also points out that I have yet to make a meaningful connection with anyone else in the past 2 years. Even my brief relationship last year, which was very heady and passionate, was kind of "meh" in some ways - as my one buddy said about the guy I had been dating after we broke up: "He kind of had one foot in and one foot out." I knew he wanted to break up with me before HE did -which was weird and a whole new kind of crazy-making.
So my options have mostly been uninspiring. And this guy has just been someone I have been comfortable with from the beginning. Don't know what that's about.
I'm reasonably certain of some things: He's not going to ask me for money. He's not going to abuse me physically or mentally. He genuinely likes me as a person (reciprocated). He's definitely attracted to me (reciprocated). I have always enjoyed his company. He's not a depressed person by nature - this is definitely related to specific circumstances.
So I'm just gonna go with it for a while and see what happens.
Funny what you said about being excited for me about the whole crush thing - I actually tend to write my crushes off immediately. I'm suspicious of the lack of rationality involved. I think that's why I dialed my expectations back to NSA/FWB so quickly.
Nothing, really, except drinking more than he should - mainly to get to sleep, from what I can tell. He's working 64 hours a week at a minimum, so not sure when he'd work in the time for therapy, which would be helpful. I only see him in the evenings when I do get to see him. Which is why I am somewhat reluctant to ask him to spend that time helping with my house, also.
Part of what is exacerbating the depression (and I believe the PTSD) is where he lives. It's one of the worst parts of the city, and he's already had to deal with one burglary. His anxiety is through the roof because he's terrified someone will break in and harm his dog while robbing the place. He's trying to bank enough money to get a better place as soon as his lease is up.
I've been in situations where I faced almost impossible odds and just had to muscle through all the anxiety and depression, so I get what he's trying to do. I was successful, but I'm not sure if he will be.
And yeah, he knows that unaddressed alcoholism is the only dealbreaker for me in this whole mess.
And yeah, my head is pretty much spinning with all this stuff.
Nothing, really, except drinking more than he should - mainly to get to sleep, from what I can tell. He's working 64 hours a week at a minimum, so not sure when he'd work in the time for therapy, which would be helpful. I only see him in the evenings when I do get to see him. Which is why I am somewhat reluctant to ask him to spend that time helping with my house, also.
Part of what is exacerbating the depression (and I believe the PTSD) is where he lives. It's one of the worst parts of the city, and he's already had to deal with one burglary. His anxiety is through the roof because he's terrified someone will break in and harm his dog while robbing the place. He's trying to bank enough money to get a better place as soon as his lease is up.
I've been in situations where I faced almost impossible odds and just had to muscle through all the anxiety and depression, so I get what he's trying to do. I was successful, but I'm not sure if he will be.
And yeah, he knows that unaddressed alcoholism is the only dealbreaker for me in this whole mess.
And yeah, my head is pretty much spinning with all this stuff.
Not to mention the physical exhaustion of working those kinds of hours. Fatigue can make small upsets and hassles seem huge even to the most emotionally healthy. Can't imagine what it would do to someone who is clinically depressed.
To answer your original question, I would just keep doing what you're doing. If you tell him about a project gone haywire (and please forgive me for chuckling at you gluing yourself to the counter!), and he has some words of advice, appreciate them. As far as I can see, men tend to be fixers: See the problem, fix the problem. Just know that if you do tell him about a mishap, he will respond in a way that tries to help.
If it gets to be too much, just make him understand that you're not telling him this stuff hoping to get him to give you free advice or labor, but that you do appreciate his thoughtfulness, or don't share that kind of thing unless you're prepared to have him help with it. If he finds out and gets hurt that you didn't call him, you can always tell him it's because you don't want to add to his stress or eat up all of his time, and not because you don't value his assistance or time--which would probably be the truth, anyway. It sounds like you have a lot of respect for the demands of his life and condition. You could also do something to show your appreciation for his help, like cook him a great meal or give him a fantastic massage, or both.
I just worry about the alcoholism. Is he an alcoholic, or just drinking too much right now?
Not to mention the physical exhaustion of working those kinds of hours. Fatigue can make small upsets and hassles seem huge even to the most emotionally healthy. Can't imagine what it would do to someone who is clinically depressed.
To answer your original question, I would just keep doing what you're doing. If you tell him about a project gone haywire (and please forgive me for chuckling at you gluing yourself to the counter!), and he has some words of advice, appreciate them. As far as I can see, men tend to be fixers: See the problem, fix the problem. Just know that if you do tell him about a mishap, he will respond in a way that tries to help.
If it gets to be too much, just make him understand that you're not telling him this stuff hoping to get him to give you free advice or labor, but that you do appreciate his thoughtfulness, or don't share that kind of thing unless you're prepared to have him help with it. If he finds out and gets hurt that you didn't call him, you can always tell him it's because you don't want to add to his stress or eat up all of his time, and not because you don't value his assistance or time--which would probably be the truth, anyway. It sounds like you have a lot of respect for the demands of his life and condition. You could also do something to show your appreciation for his help, like cook him a great meal or give him a fantastic massage, or both.
I just worry about the alcoholism. Is he an alcoholic, or just drinking too much right now?
Not sure on that last point. I know he doesn't like how much he's drinking right now. I'm taking a wait and see approach.
I've never been alarmed about the amount of alcohol he had until the other night. I have friends who are alcoholics or have drinking problems at the very least, and he never really made me think of them. And I'm not sure if it's just situational - heck, I don't even drink, but I'd probably take it up in his position.
But like I said, that's my only dealbreaker in this whole situation so far.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
