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Yes, but you both have to want it, it will take a long time, and you need a very good therapist.
I see distinctions in the posts regarding how long the affair was going on. My wife's was 9 months. I don't know that the duration of the affair is as relevant as some are making it to be. Wouldn't a 9 month affair also be indicative of myself not paying attention to my relationship?
I see distinctions in the posts regarding how long the affair was going on. My wife's was 9 months. I don't know that the duration of the affair is as relevant as some are making it to be. Wouldn't a 9 month affair also be indicative of myself not paying attention to my relationship?
The length of time does matter, but nothing matters as much as the fact that she betrayed you, of course.
The thing to remember is that you did not make her cheat. That was her choice.
You have to separate the two, as hard as it may seem. The marriage issues have to be separate from the affair. There had to be problems, though. At least she thought there were.
Yes, one could say you were probably not paying attention. It's easy not to.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 10-30-2014 at 02:25 PM..
(I am the OP.) I also think that a lengthy affair is a worse offense than a one-night stand.
My partner carried on an affair for 9-10 months. Even now, looking back at that time period, I call every moment we had together into question. Every day, he was lying to me, just by doing this while acting like things were fine with us. Even the happy memories I have of that time period are now tainted because now I know there was this deception lurking beneath the surface.
I do not take any responsibility for this onto myself. I wasn't mistreating him, nagging him, making demands on him, ignoring him, etc. He even admits to this day that our relationship was great, and he regrets what he did, his life has gone downhill since I left him, etc, etc. He just decided on his own to get caught up in the "excitement" of an affair, basking in the attention he was getting and the thrill of the riskiness of it. My only fault was that I was no longer "new" or "strange" and I guess that wasn't exciting enough. Not knowing about what was happening doesn't mean I "wasn't paying attention." It just means that 1) I trusted him, and 2) I gave him space and wasn't the sort to snoop. Don't feel like there's something wrong with you because you didn't know it was happening!
It first happened after we were together 13 years. I learned about it a year after they had decided to end it and stay with their partners (she was married). I was devastated, but he sounded sincere about it being a big mistake, and it was all over, and he was trying hard, etc, so although I could not forgive & forget, I decided we could try to put it behind us. Then two years later, he did it again with another woman. Done.
I am just grateful now that we never did get married. I don't have to grapple with having made vows and feeling like I have to try and try to make it work out. I could just say goodbye, buy him out of the house, and move on.
(I am the OP.) I also think that a lengthy affair is a worse offense than a one-night stand.
My partner carried on an affair for 9-10 months. Even now, looking back at that time period, I call every moment we had together into question. Every day, he was lying to me, just by doing this while acting like things were fine with us. Even the happy memories I have of that time period are now tainted because now I know there was this deception lurking beneath the surface.
I do not take any responsibility for this onto myself. I wasn't mistreating him, nagging him, making demands on him, ignoring him, etc. He even admits to this day that our relationship was great, and he regrets what he did, his life has gone downhill since I left him, etc, etc. He just decided on his own to get caught up in the "excitement" of an affair, basking in the attention he was getting and the thrill of the riskiness of it. My only fault was that I was no longer "new" or "strange" and I guess that wasn't exciting enough. Not knowing about what was happening doesn't mean I "wasn't paying attention." It just means that 1) I trusted him, and 2) I gave him space and wasn't the sort to snoop. Don't feel like there's something wrong with you because you didn't know it was happening!
It first happened after we were together 13 years. I learned about it a year after they had decided to end it and stay with their partners (she was married). I was devastated, but he sounded sincere about it being a big mistake, and it was all over, and he was trying hard, etc, so although I could not forgive & forget, I decided we could try to put it behind us. Then two years later, he did it again with another woman. Done.
I am just grateful now that we never did get married. I don't have to grapple with having made vows and feeling like I have to try and try to make it work out. I could just say goodbye, buy him out of the house, and move on.
You really went through the wringer!
A one-night stand is bad. But a lengthy affair makes it very difficult for the person who was cheated on to get over, because, as you said, each time you remember something and then realize what your partner was actually doing at that moment is like a new, fresh wound.
For the partner who cheats, revealing the affair (or having it discovered) is NOTHING like the trauma the person who is cheated on goes through. They have to deal with figuring out over and over again that the person they love lied...many times.
I found out about my wife's affair Oct 8th. Her best friend, our maid of honors father. I'm completely worn out physically and emotionally. I'm all over the dart board about what I want to do. As a man of faith, I know I'm supposed to put my best foot forward and make an attempt at reconciliation. As a man, I don't know if that is possible. Everything I read tells me I shouldn't shoulder any of the blame and that is a bunch of BS. I was part of the problem that facilitated for our relationship to crash down into an affair. I didn't push them together naked, but if I was doing better at realizing what was going on in my relationship it could have been different. No looking back now. I have kids....doesn't matter if it is 1 or 20. I have to think about kids/me first. I'm leaving the option open to repair. We'll have to see where it goes. I meet half of the requirements originally posted for the forum....married 22 years....together 26 years. I've been to three 50th Wedding anniversary parties in the last 2 1/2 weeks. I'm looking for signs around me to help me get stronger. The only thing giving me strength is my faith. We will see how it goes and I'll tell you the other half of the forum original questions......can it be repaired.....
hugs dasteelers
Just breathe! I know you said it's been 22 days, but that is VERY recent and your pain and shock will linger for a while yet.
Don't make any big decisions just yet okay? You just need to give yourself time to get over the shock so you can think more clearly.
In a situation like this there are no short cuts I'm afraid. So pace yourself. And be good to yourself. Eat right, try to sleep enough, and this is important - get a physical outlet immediately. If you aren't already exercising and in shape then start by just taking a brisk 15 minute walk every day. If you are fit, increase your workouts and up the intensity. You'd be amazed at how much this can help you rid your body of the stress hormones that are killing you right now.
And bottom line, know that many people who have been where you are have managed to find their way back into a happy marriage again. It will take time and lots of work, but you two CAN recover and save your relationship. Hang in there.
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