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all started in 1968. disposable drink containers, then throwaway food containers, then it moved on to electronics and all consumer goods, then to people. matthew 10:36
When I talked to the females in the long term relationship most knew things weren't going well but they didn't see the end coming , they still thought it was worth the fight. When I spoke to the males in the long term relationships 2 cheated, 2 got tried of the struggle, they all complained of feeling controlled, unimportant , not being trusted, feeling emasculated , controlled by sex. The females had complaints of not being heard, cared for , feeling insecure , unappreciated.
I really don't think this is a male or female thing. For instance few men would hold out in a sexless marriage because it is a dead end. If she is witholding sex, it shows that she doesn't care about you anymore.
I don't think people see marriage as disposable. I think the problem is that people are not willing to look at themselves. Instead of thinking how can my partner improve, think about how you can improve yourself.
If you want your marriage to last, then don't withold sex, don't be controlling, don't be abusive, care for your spouse and don't cheat. And don't always assume the grass is greener on the other side.
I think that second marriages can be better - if you take the time to fix whatever got you into a bad marriage the first go 'round. Even if the first partner was the "guilty party," you have to figure out WHY you married a person who would act that way to begin with and then fix that in yourself. THEN the second marriage can be MUCH better.
My husband and I not only addressed our own faults and took responsibility for our own actions before we met, after we started dating seriously we completed a course on marriage together - and found to our great delight that we share the same values, expectations, interests (though we also have very some very different interests as well).
I think one thing that can really mess up ANY relationship - friendship, romantic, or professional - is when the people involved EXPECT something different. In other words, surprises. Small example - what do you expect when it comes to vacations? For some people that's a BIG THING each year and they expect a huge trip, nice hotels, visiting foreign countries, etc. Some people prefer a much more low key approach, or even a stay-cation, or they don't even LIKE taking vacations. Some people expect to spend holidays with extended family, while others can't imagine more than a few hours during the holidays to be spent with extended family. In our case, my husband often WORKS during holidays, sometimes out of the country, so if I'd come into the marriage expecting idyllic holidays together, I would have been sorely disappointed and maybe even resentful.
Who takes out the trash? How do you expect to discipline kids? How much money do you save out of each paycheck? How do you feel about credit cards? For that matter, what's your credit score and how or why is it that particular score? Do you expect to take in your parents when they become elderly, or do you expect them to live in assisted living? How would you handle a situation of an adult child wanting to move back home? Do you expect to the woman to stay home when the kids are little? Are you OK with the MAN staying home when kids are little?
All these sorts of questions - and a thousand more - need to be addressed BEFORE engagement in my opinion - before the venue has been booked and the invitations printed.
all started in 1968. disposable drink containers, then throwaway food containers, then it moved on to electronics and all consumer goods, then to people. matthew 10:36
The great thing about freedom is I can do as I please. I have been married for 22 years and I do keep an eye on mine, thank you. I never said anything about the good ol days. Women are able to make choices that they once couldn't because of the good ol days. Anyways thank god it's 2013 and we can do as we please
What are you talking about?
You seem to have the idea that marriages were better at some other point in history and they've declined somehow.
They really haven't. That was pretty much my point. It is easier for people to leave marriages now that they may have felt trapped into years ago. That's all.
Yeah... it is 2013... and we can be as nosy as we please or not.
I have often found that when people are bothered by anyone else's marital woes, it's usually less because they feel bad about what's happening with those other people and more that they are projecting and wondering if that'll happen to them.
Kind of like survivor's guilt. That's why I said it was better to just think about your own marriage (not yours, per se... the universal "your") and not focus on anyone else's... reason being, you'll never know the whole story.
Just the parts that one or both of them choose to recall.
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I really don't think this is a male or female thing. For instance few men would hold out in a sexless marriage because it is a dead end. If she is witholding sex, it shows that she doesn't care about you anymore.
I don't think people see marriage as disposable. I think the problem is that people are not willing to look at themselves. Instead of thinking how can my partner improve, think about how you can improve yourself.
If you want your marriage to last, then don't withold sex, don't be controlling, don't be abusive, care for your spouse and don't cheat. And don't always assume the grass is greener on the other side.
Good post. And so true. Most people do go into marriage thinking they'll stay married. I am sure there are exceptions, but I think it's more common to believe you'll be married for life.
Then, people shift their focus away from working on the marriage. Sometimes, there's something very damaging happening, like abuse, for example. Other times, people shift focus from the marriage onto things like job, kids, etc.
Along with the things you mentioned, I also think it is important to "tend" to the marriage. Getting married and expecting that you've arrived at your destination is a huge mistake. It's just the beginning, really.
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Going on 31 years here...Marriages take work like all good things in life...
I just went over 30...but on my second marriage.
Here is a clue to one problem. When Ben Afflec won his Oscar last year, he made the comment about his wife, "Marriage is work, but there is no other woman I'd rather work with."
He was heavily criticized for saying that "marriage is work," and there was a lot of speculation that his marriage must be on the rocks if it's work for them.
It's as though there was a general impression that marriage was supposed to be all fun and easy, and if it take any effort, the marrage must be on the rocks.
Ever known older people who stayed married and were miserable? And would probably not have stayed together if the woman had the means to support herself and get out of the marriage?
How about a woman who got left by a man who spent the rest of his life paying alimony because she was a housewife?
I don't think that relationships have changed much except that we have more choices now, and people simply choose to get out of bad situations. You cannot say you have any clue how much one couple did or did not try to work things out.
Despite the notion that the "good old days" were so much better, I think if you dig around you'll find that people really haven't changed that much.
In fact, I think people know what they want now more than they ever did.
We also have more access to news and media... we know some celebrity couple separated now faster than we used to get MAJOR world news. Think about it... does anyone else's relationship REALLY have a bearing on yours?
Quit looking at other people's relationships and keep an eye on your own.
Good post. My husband's stepmother's father (my stepgrandfather-in-law? egads) was a successful doctor who paid lifetime alimony to two ex-wives, both housewives. One died and the other never remarried. Those pristine and devoted women of the 50s would never want any man other than their husbands, perhaps. He is in his 90s now and was still paying her until she died recently. Maybe 40 years, yikes.
Good riddance to that.
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