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Old 12-17-2013, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Up in the air
19,112 posts, read 30,580,565 times
Reputation: 16395

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Stepping away from this forum and the anger/bitterness here has helped me immensely. I still have some insecurity issues I'm working on, but I've found a different site that is FAR more supportive and actually gives out good advice. I've also removed myself from the bad apples in my life and started over, which I'm sure helped.

I would never suggest this forum to anyone who has issues or questions with relationships. Ever.
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:34 AM
 
2,087 posts, read 2,843,997 times
Reputation: 1560
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdrop93 View Post
People see what they want to see. If you focus on the posts that confirm your beliefs then you are missing out on an awful lot. It seems that the bitter people often seek out the other bitter people and then feel that the bitterness is justified.
How do you think he should be?

If I'm guessing correctly, he's about 33 years old (judging from his handle) and he's never had a GF and never had a woman attracted to him who he is attracted to.

I think a positive attitude for him might be something like, "Nah, women don't care that much about looks really, I've just yet to connect with somebody. I've had some unfortunate encounters where women I've really liked didn't feel the same way. Oh well. Keep plugging, I'll find that woman I connect with."

An overly negative attitude might be, "All women are shallow, they all just care about looks and money. Period."

Both are a bit over the top.

If you were to tell him how to think, instill in him a new philosophy, what would it be?

The truth is somewhere in between. But you can see how based on his circumstances, he'd have some negativity. You must be able to see that.
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn, NY
368 posts, read 576,502 times
Reputation: 413
If you lack confidence the internet Isn't going to help.
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:37 AM
 
2,087 posts, read 2,843,997 times
Reputation: 1560
Quote:
Originally Posted by TRosa View Post
Excellent thread, really makes one think and take a step back. I rarely take myself seriously on here, so don't give much thought to how my joking might if at all affect some young soul. Definitely will give some thought to future postings. It really would bother me if I had negatively affected a young person where as I had the opportunity to really have been of help instead.

I might need some therapy though to reign in my whacked out sense of humor.
Wow. That's a great post.

I think everyone should take a look at themselves. People call me bitter. I can admit it. It bugs me. Nobody wants to be the bitter guy.
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:44 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,157,398 times
Reputation: 17797
There are two possibilities:

- Open mind and thick enough skin to listen.
- Closed mind and/or too insecure to hear when someone says something one does not want to hear.

How a person COMES to the internet will determine whether or not it can help. The vast majority of the people on this board are in the latter category. They rail against what is the only possible next step, investing in their own confidence and self esteem. Instead they seek short cuts to acquire what they want that side steps the difficult work of actually liking and respecting themselves.

When I first came to usenet, waaaaaay before http forums, I was in the latter category. I went to a group with the sole goal of fixing my husband's bad behavior. It took some dogged persistence on the part of some tough but fundamentally helpful people to help me into the first category. They finally got me to see that whether I like it or not, the only person whom I have the power to change is myself. They finally got me to see how my actions we perceived by him, and how I could take action to change my actions, possibly his reactions, and thus the dynamics of our marriage. If not for these tenacious people willing to stick their necks out for me, I would be divorced long since instead of deliriously happily married.

But the thing is, that change would not have happened if I was unwilling or unable to change into the first category and listen with a mind open to the possibility that I Might Be Wrong. And that MY actions were all I had control over.

There are a lot of broken people who seek answers, or maybe solace, on the internet. I feel bad for them.
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:55 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
For people like me who have trouble attracting the opposite sex and lack confidence and can be insecure and get in a negative rut about women these worst fears and stereotypes about women get amplified in my head sometimes from what i read..

Its given me new insecurities things i was never insecure about or knew were huge hinderances like my height being shy etc came on my radar all of a sudden after reading these types of forums as huge negatives to women and made me even worse..[btw im not saying its one sided im sure struggling women feel the same about men after reading these types of forums]

I know theyres alot of good people here who even if therye giving generic cliche advice are trying to help but to read alot of the stuff i see on here and other sites like this makes me think the majority of people are shallow vain self absorbed whackos..

So while i appreciate sites like these and some of the good advice i think it can be more harmful at times then good
I'm not sure why you'd focus on the negative here, rather than listen to the encouraging posts. Why do so many men here discount the women's posts when they say they're more into personality than looks, for example? Why do so many guys not believe the women here when they post about their reality, and what they're looking for in a guy? Why are the guys so eager to believe cliches like: women have guys lined up wanting to date them all the time?
It's what YOU choose to believe and take from here that helps or hurts you. It's the choices YOU are making. It's a real smorgasboard of advice and comments here, you can either focus on the negative, or run with the positive.
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,116,307 times
Reputation: 22275
Quote:
Originally Posted by JJS99 View Post
How do you think he should be?

If I'm guessing correctly, he's about 33 years old (judging from his handle) and he's never had a GF and never had a woman attracted to him who he is attracted to.

I think a positive attitude for him might be something like, "Nah, women don't care that much about looks really, I've just yet to connect with somebody. I've had some unfortunate encounters where women I've really liked didn't feel the same way. Oh well. Keep plugging, I'll find that woman I connect with."

An overly negative attitude might be, "All women are shallow, they all just care about looks and money. Period."

Both are a bit over the top.

If you were to tell him how to think, instill in him a new philosophy, what would it be?

The truth is somewhere in between. But you can see how based on his circumstances, he'd have some negativity. You must be able to see that.
I'm not telling anyone how they should be. But you and him constantly talk about how women only care about looks. You feed each other's erroneous beliefs. So instead of looking at all the posts and thinking, "Well, some people are shallow and some aren't. Maybe I should think about more than just my appearance and stop blaming my failures on all women being shallow" - it becomes "Women only care about looks!" "Yes, you're right!" "Women are more shallow than men!" "Women care about looks more than men do!" "You'll only find love if you are attractive!"

Personally, I don't care what you choose to believe or what you choose to focus on. It doesn't affect my life at all. However, it does get irritating. But I haven't been posting as much on here lately anyway because taking care of a newborn is exhausting!
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:59 AM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 19,944,891 times
Reputation: 11706
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaquille View Post
If you lack confidence the internet Isn't going to help.
I would take this one step further, and argue for many who come here asking for help to issues which are based on social anxieties, or self esteem related issues, the internet only enables them to harbor those things which hold them back.

The answers to their problems are all over the internet in black and white... and not one of the answers is "spend all your time on a forum about your problem."

Instead of getting out and doing something about it, they sit here and argue, fight, wallow, etc in their own anxieties, self pities, etc.
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Old 12-17-2013, 12:01 PM
 
2,087 posts, read 2,843,997 times
Reputation: 1560
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdrop93 View Post
I'm not telling anyone how they should be. But you and him constantly talk about how women only care about looks. You feed each other's erroneous beliefs. So instead of looking at all the posts and thinking, "Well, some people are shallow and some aren't. Maybe I should think about more than just my appearance and stop blaming my failures on all women being shallow" - it becomes "Women only care about looks!" "Yes, you're right!" "Women are more shallow than men!" "Women care about looks more than men do!" "You'll only find love if you are attractive!"

Personally, I don't care what you choose to believe or what you choose to focus on. It doesn't affect my life at all. However, it does get irritating. But I haven't been posting as much on here lately anyway because taking care of a newborn is exhausting!
Congrats on the newborn!
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Old 12-17-2013, 12:05 PM
 
5,313 posts, read 6,088,307 times
Reputation: 4110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
I'm not sure why you'd focus on the negative here, rather than listen to the encouraging posts. Why do so many men here discount the women's posts when they say they're more into personality than looks, for example? Why do so many guys not believe the women here when the post about their reality, and what they're looking for in a guy? Why are the guys so eager to believe cliches like: women have guys lined up wanting to date them all the time?
It's what YOU choose to believe and take from here that helps or hurts you. It's the choices YOU are making. It's a real smorgasboard of advice and comments here, you can either focus on the negative, or run with the positive.

Because its only a few who share your sentiment on here the majority arent saying that
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