Not Invited to His Friend Events... (females, lover, cheating, husband)
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Is it unreasonable to want to be included in either of these plans? I'm not saying that I want to go to every event that he has with his friends, but I'd like the option to go to some of them! Guys night, sure don't worry about asking me... but when it's friend's night I felt like an invite would have been nice.
Separate issue - I wanted to add that he's getting a past love interest (the girl he wanted to be with before we started dating - she had a boyfriend/cheated/was stringing my SO along) a christmas gift. I'm not sure how I feel about that either .
Does it really matter if you are reasonable or unreasonable? What matters is that you are not happy. You cannot change anybody, you can only accept the situation or walk away. Obviously, this is a guy who needs a lot of guy time, this is also a guy who puts his guy friends' need before yours. Can you accept that?
If you can live with it, then give this relationship another try. If not, walk away, there are plenty of guys out there might be more compatible with you.
Does it really matter if you are reasonable or unreasonable? What matters is that you are not happy. You cannot change anybody, you can only accept the situation or walk away. Obviously, this is a guy who needs a lot of guy time, this is also a guy who puts his guy friends' need before yours. Can you accept that?
If you can live with it, then give this relationship another try. If not, walk away, there are plenty of guys out there might be more compatible with you.
There is a saying out there, not sure by who, that says never to make anyone a priority who only makes you an option.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bellakin123
No, actually to me it spoke volumes that we made holiday plans. We've been together for 20 years so I don't know what red flag you see
Of course I don't want to spend 24/7 with them but are you not seeing where the OP says he doesn't include her? I agree you still need to maintain your friends when you're in a relationship--I am the first to advocate that, however, when you are NEVER included in anything related with your SO's friends, you're not even a thought, well, that tells me something. That means you're the back-up plan. He's not putting his friendships to the side. He's putting his relationship with his gf to the side.
The OP and her bf don't see each other on a Friday night--he cooks with the guys? I've never heard anything like that in my life. Then the guys cancel and he continues with a friend, who is female, and happens to be his ex. Nope, I'm not buying it. Oh, and let's not forget he's getting a Christmas gift for a chick he's been chasing but has made no mention about their holiday plans together?...yeah, he sounds like a keeper.
It was a red flag because it screams instant couple. Just because it worked for you doesn't make it less of a red flag.
I'm not saying he is a keeper, neither is she really, and the relation is doomed, but not because she wasn't invited to cook or because after such a short time that they wouldn't make plans for the holiday together. That isn't a big deal to many people. A holiday is just a day off of work (if they're lucky) for many people. Not sure why it is such a big deal, most of them I don't see my family either, I couldn't care less. Good day to catch up on reading.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
There is a saying out there, not sure by who, that says never to make anyone a priority who only makes you an option.
It was a red flag because it screams instant couple. Just because it worked for you doesn't make it less of a red flag.
I'm not saying he is a keeper, neither is she really, and the relation is doomed, but not because she wasn't invited to cook or because after such a short time that they wouldn't make plans for the holiday together. That isn't a big deal to many people. A holiday is just a day off of work (if they're lucky) for many people. Not sure why it is such a big deal, most of them I don't see my family either, I couldn't care less. Good day to catch up on reading.
You see relationships and holidays/spending time with family differently than most so I'm going to stop here. This isn't about my relationship or anyone else's so I don't want it to go off topic or highjack the thread.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bellakin123
You see relationships and holidays/spending time with family differently than most so I'm going to stop here.
If you say so. Seems to be a common way of relating among people I know. Friends you choose and stay in your life, bfs/gfs come and go, and family you don't choose at all. Remember your priorities!
I agree what you described above isn't a big deal, but would you have an ex girlfriend over to your apartment and make dinner together and have drinks? It's one thing to be out with friends in a group of people that includes an ex, but to be one on one like that seems pretty inappropriate to me.
Yep.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Sure I would, well, drinks I would. Not much for cooking. You're focusing on the ex girlfriend part. I'm focusing on the friend part. For some very very odd reason there are people out there that often don't remain friends with people they used to date. I couldn't/wouldn't date one of those because it can create problems.
Oh please timberline.
People like you are the exception. I don't think most people remain friends with exes. Some for good reasons, some not for good reasons.
While on that subject, I think even you would agree that people shouldn't remain friends with exes who abuse them, treat them poorly, cheat on them, etc.
I know I can always find you in a thread in which women feel insecure about their boyfriends hanging out with ex-girlfriends, so you can say it's "not weird and everyone should do it" etc. etc. Sure, it can be fine, but the fact is the guy wants to spend the better part of a night alone with his ex, cooking and drinking together. Absolutely inappropriate in my view. If other friends were there...that's different.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,920,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by savoytruffle
People like you are the exception. I don't think most people remain friends with exes. Some for good reasons, some not for good reasons.
While on that subject, I think even you would agree that people shouldn't remain friends with exes who abuse them, treat them poorly, cheat on them, etc.
Of course they do, it is only natural. I've met few people that don't, and I trust none of them. Not remaining friends with people you care about, were intimate with, shared your deepest thoughts and emotions, it just doesn't make any sense. Why would you NOT want those people to still be in your life? You would have to work hard NOT to be friends with someone like that, once the separation period passed (usually a breakup silence period is needed), unless you never really liked each other. Maybe that happens to people? They date people they really don't like? I dunno, this forum is full of weirdos quite honestly. The only other reason other than not liking the person they dated I can see for not being friends is if the person can't ever cope with their being hurt, but most mature people work past that. Getting hurt is part of dating and we work through it.
And no, if it was abusive, of course not. But really, that doesn't happen much. Most of the time things end because one or both parties determine they're no longer compatible. It sucks, but it happens all the time.
Of course they do, it is only natural. I've met few people that don't, and I trust none of them. Not remaining friends with people you care about, were intimate with, shared your deepest thoughts and emotions, it just doesn't make any sense. Why would you NOT want those people to still be in your life? You would have to work hard NOT to be friends with someone like that, once the separation period passed (usually a breakup silence period is needed), unless you never really liked each other. Maybe that happens to people? They date people they really don't like? I dunno, this forum is full of weirdos quite honestly. The only other reason other than not liking the person they dated I can see for not being friends is if the person can't ever cope with their being hurt, but most mature people work past that. Getting hurt is part of dating and we work through it.
And no, if it was abusive, of course not. But really, that doesn't happen much. Most of the time things end because one or both parties determine they're no longer compatible. It sucks, but it happens all the time.
Some people are hurt deeply enough that they can't work past it.
I do understand some of your points. I'm not friends with my exes because one of them still treats me poorly after the breakup (three years ago btw) and the other I just found I didn't like personally. I did start feeling that way while we were dating.
However, I think it's going a bit far to say you don't trust people who aren't friends with their exes. People's relationships with their exes are their own business and not yours, so I don't see why you should care about how they conduct their love lives.
In a way, this goes for the OP too. She clearly has an issue with her boyfriend spending alone time with an ex. Who are we to berate her for feeling otherwise? She isn't saying he isn't 'allowed' to talk to exes or to other women. Her concern is reasonable.
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