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I've already taken a break, 2 years and counting and I don't really have a desire to go back. My last relationship really did a number on me, she treated me terribly: lied, cheated....then lied and cheated some more. Then happily trotted off into her next relationship. I really, really loved her, and though I've gotten past the toxic desire to want to be with her, I still think about her every....single....day.
I guess I used to do pretty well, but I've totally lost my mojo. My sex drive has completely disappeared. Please spare me the "you need counseling" routine, because I really have no desire to "fix it" and get back out there. It just is what it is.
I'm not sure how we got to this place in the convo, I really just wanted to say that OLD is pretty crappy in my experience.
Taking a break isn't a bad thing. I took about a 2 year break as well after my Ex left me. I went though a lot of the same crap you did it sounds. It takes time to get over that and we are all different in how much time it takes.
And I know a lot of people here are saying you'll get over it, etc... but honestly, some people don't. That doesn't mean you can't live a happy, fulfilling life though without a woman. Don't let anyone tell you different. But at the same time, don't make a martyr out of yourself or wallow in pain because of some bad woman in that past (otherwise you are just letting her continue to effect you and hurt you).
I guess I am saying, just do what you feel is right and take your time.
Thanks, jillabean. It's kind of hard to explain, but I really don't have a desire to get over it. It's odd. After that, it just feels like being "retired" is the safest play. I wanted to have a family, but at 34 and not wanting to be an "old dad," coupled with the fact that I have no desire to ever trust again, it seems that window is closed.
I have a pretty fulfilling life otherwise, so I wouldn't say I'm ecstatic about the path forward, but more resigned to it.
All the men from OLD who dated me were men who contacted me. None of the men I contacted ever went out with me
Yes, that sounds correct. As a guy, my experience is that women tend to initiate contact with slightly higher-value men than themselves, although the stereotype is that men do it more.
Let me immediately say that my own market value is pretty low and I'm relatively short and unattractive. I'm not unrealistic about the women I can hope to attract, and I'm not unrealistic about my own value. But you have to understand that the women who wink or email me on OLD sites are really several points lower than me, in multiple respects, they are like 2's and 3's and I'm a 6 (not only looks but also culture, normalcy, education, etc.). And there has never been a case where a woman on my level would initiate contact with me (not higher, just on my level).
My observation is that when women message/flirt with men uninitiated they always do it with men who are more desirable than they are. 3's do with 5's, 5's do it with 7's, 7's do it with 9's. The stereotype is that men do it too, perhaps to a greater extent, but that's not true. Speaking personally I've never approached higher-value women than myself, only those roughly on my level (in terms of age, looks, and culture), nor have I ever messaged them on O.L.D. sites.
I don't think that actually means anything, though. Let's take an average woman with an online dating profile for instance: she's far more likely to have potential dates than most men. 0 dates to her means that she rejected all of those who contacted her. .
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmericanBannedStand
Guys tended to skip over the "stunner," knowing instinctively that it was a low-odds proposition. The more middle-of-the-road girls got the most messages.
I must be absolutely stunning then. My last stint with OLD (Match), in just over 3 months, I had just over 1,000 profile views and only received two messages-both from scammers.
ETA: My friend just deleted her OKC profile. She's my age and the final straw was getting a message from someone 17 years younger who asked her if she'd pay his heating bill for him.
Yes, that sounds correct. As a guy, my experience is that women tend to initiate contact with slightly higher-value men than themselves, although the stereotype is that men do it more.
Let me immediately say that my own market value is pretty low and I'm relatively short and unattractive. I'm not unrealistic about the women I can hope to attract, and I'm not unrealistic about my own value. But you have to understand that the women who wink or email me on OLD sites are really several points lower than me, in multiple respects, they are like 2's and 3's and I'm a 6 (not only looks but also culture, normalcy, education, etc.). And there has never been a case where a woman on my level would initiate contact with me (not higher, just on my level).
My observation is that when women message/flirt with men uninitiated they always do it with men who are more desirable than they are. 3's do with 5's, 5's do it with 7's, 7's do it with 9's. The stereotype is that men do it too, perhaps to a greater extent, but that's not true. Speaking personally I've never approached higher-value women than myself, only those roughly on my level (in terms of age, looks, and culture), nor have I ever messaged them on O.L.D. sites.
I have no idea how to judge a person's "value" based on a picture and some information... value is judged by the content of a person's character. I was basically contacting men around my age (-2 years, +10) who had major hobbies in common with me and who lived near me. I am sure in a lot of cases, I just wasn't the type certain men were looking for, but I also think a lot were just not online anymore (dead profiles).
In the cases of the ones that contacted me back when I contacted them (but we never went out) it's because I never could get them to meet up. One guy I think was just shy. He wasn't a looker or anything... he was on the maximum end of my age range at 10 years older than me. He wasn't a great looker with his receding hairline and a pot belly in the picture (and the picture was 2 years old because it had a time stamp on it). But he did have camping, scuba-diving, and hiking in common with me... as well as an interest in science fiction. It was weird, he would brag about how healthy and fit he was and how most women just couldn't keep up with him and when I explained I was a long distance swimmer and hiker myself and I would love to meet him for a hike and give it a try or something he clammed up. He'd stop messaging me for a few weeks and then suddenly reappear ask me how I was doing again, start chatting, but when it came to meeting... poof again.
Most weren't like that. Some would be chatty and the conversation would just die. Some just never seemed to be able to meet, etc. So I gave up on them.
There was one man wanted to meet me that night--when I said I couldn't he stopped contacting me because I was "unavailable." lol That was weird.
In quite a few cases men I contacted who contacted me back to let me know I was older than what they were looking for (for the record they were men my age like I said, so I wasn't contacting young cubs so to speak ). but hey, if that's what they are looking for, good luck to them. At least they had the courtesy to contact me back.
In the end, I just found it easier to date the men that were interested enough in me to actually want to contact me. I figure the ones I contacted probably already saw my profile weren't interested for whateer reason--or at least not interested enough to contact me.
Oh, and I got my fair share of really good looking men contacting me too... I confess, I ignored them completely. Figured they were pretty pictures hiding what were really scam artists (I noticed a patter of most being widowers with a child over seas, etc, etc.).
Depends on location and age... Over 35 and on the east coast, it really is this simple for men to get dates. And by 40, forget it... It truly is a man's world.
Depends on location and age... Over 35 and on the east coast, it really is this simple for men to get dates. And by 40, forget it... It truly is a man's world.
Sounds like I retired too early. Meh, nobody wants these damaged goods anyway.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GraciousVox
Depends on location and age... Over 35 and on the east coast, it really is this simple for men to get dates. And by 40, forget it... It truly is a man's world.
It is. Again, education, job, in shape, articulate, passions... man's world.
Each person I'm conversing with are as educated as I am (two more so, one Ph.D. the other two Masters) and it is pretty clear 3 of 4 that I'm intrigued by earn more than I do as well.
I must be absolutely stunning then. My last stint with OLD (Match), in just over 3 months, I had just over 1,000 profile views and only received two messages-both from scammers.
I think that's because there's a fee to message. I don't think it costs anything to just browse the messages. Also, I'm willing to bet your messages would skyrocket if you were on a free site like OKC or POF.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GraciousVox
Depends on location and age... Over 35 and on the east coast, it really is this simple for men to get dates. And by 40, forget it... It truly is a man's world.
There are more factors than just that, such as (but not limited to), job description, race, height, etc. For instance, a taller White male working as an advertising executive will have an easier time than a short Asian male working at McDonalds.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
It is. Again, education, job, in shape, articulate, passions... man's world.
Each person I'm conversing with are as educated as I am (two more so, one Ph.D. the other two Masters) and it is pretty clear 3 of 4 that I'm intrigued by earn more than I do as well.
These things just aren't factors anymore.
Again, no offense, but what may be easy for you may not be for others.
Wow, must be nice. Who said women don't have it easier?
The results of these two polls are going to be some pretty definitive evidence of what a lot of the male posters have been saying for a long time.
Yeah right.
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