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Hi everyone. It has been awhile since my last post. I really appreciated the support and advice.
I wanted to give an update. It's been 5 months since my husband (the love of my life) came home and blindsided me with a divorce. I know some thought I had to have known, but I really did not.
I was committed to splitting amicably although I was devastated. We had agreed on terms and I wasn't taking him to the cleaners. We had been together 17 years, I worked and helped pay his college tuition. We were married for almost 13 years. I took our agreement to my attorney and then he took it to his. I kept our agreement whereas he did not. He tried to change what we had agreed upon and things took an unfortunate turn.
Long story short, I found out he had been having an affair with a married colleague and still is. I was able to confirm this when he was under oath. She lives on the other side of the country and he had been lying for months where he was for business. He also hid most of our money. As a CPA he would know how to do this. He denied an affair and made this about me.; telling me I wasn't attractive, had an ugly body and no substance. He still refuses to address or apologize for it. Meanwhile our three children remain devastated that their family has changed, when they are in his care, he isn't with them. I never met a narcissist until now. He has been incredibly nasty and I have chosen not to participate in any of his antics or games.
It has been a tough road with lots of ups and downs. My children see a psychologist and this has been helping, I focused on making sure my children's emotional well being was taken care of. They have their good days and bad. Historically, I hear never put myself first. This is changing, I found a therapist. I joined a support group. I enrolled at college. I start next week and have a full load. I am looking at this situation as a game changer. I have been given an opportunity that I otherwise wouldn't have had. I am going to do something big with it. I can't control his actions, only mine.
I realize that I had been isolated and taken advantage of for years. I now am able to rekindle old friendships and have a life. I had no idea that typical people do this. My husband traveled all week and then would go to football games and other events on the weekends. While I took care of our kids.
I was in charge of a large event for my children's school in the middle of this. I was thrilled I saw it through and we raised several hundred thousand dollars. So much for no substance!
The kids and I are in a new place and it has been different, but good. We have so much support it has been humbling and brought me to my knees on several occasions. No amount of gratitude could be expressed. After going through an experience like this, one is humbled and certainly less prideful. At least I am.
I went on two dates. I'm not looking for anything serious at the moment. Just to see what was out there. My GAWD, they were awful. I have some great stories. You've got to have a sense of humor about these things,
I wanted to thank everyone who offered support and words of encouragement. My reason for this post was to let anyone going through the same thing know that it's tough and it gets better and then worse again, but you'll get through it. I still treading water, but will not drown!
I really have come to believe that when everything looks like it's falling apart, it's really falling into place......
This is a good news update. I am glad things are working out for you. I'm sure things are moving in his direction, though not in a positive way - but that's not your worry anymore, you will just have to pick up the pieces when they fall, and they will fall. It's good that you are getting on. Keep at it, the kids need to see there is life after and your consistency with them is what keeps them secure.
Hi everyone. It has been awhile since my last post. I really appreciated the support and advice.
I wanted to give an update. It's been 5 months since my husband (the love of my life) came home and blindsided me with a divorce. I know some thought I had to have known, but I really did not.
I was committed to splitting amicably although I was devastated.
Long story short, I found out he had been having an affair with a married colleague and still is. I was able to confirm this when he was under oath. She lives on the other side of the country and he had been lying for months where he was for business. He also hid most of our money. As a CPA he would know how to do this. He denied an affair and made this about me.; telling me I wasn't attractive, had an ugly body and no substance. He still refuses to address or apologize for it. Meanwhile our three children remain devastated that their family has changed, when they are in his care, he isn't with them. I never met a narcissist until now. He has been incredibly nasty and I have chosen not to participate in any of his antics or games.
I realize that I had been isolated and taken advantage of for years.
How painful to wake up and realize you'd been married to a stranger! Were you able to work some of that hidden money into the settlement? It sounds like you're doing a heroic job of moving on. You must have a lot of inner strength. You're a stellar example to others. Bravo!
What a positive email. I'm glad you were able to turn a negative situation into a positive one for yourself and children.
You also rid yourself of a scum bag. Win win for you and I guarantee the OW will not want him full -time and he will come crawling back to you at some point. They always do!
We are just starting negotiations. I hope to go to mediation in February. He doesn't want to pay for college or be present for overnights with the children, and things of that nature. He will pay for me to finish college and a few years after that, but that's it. These are items that are non-negotiable. Meanwhile when he's doesn't have the children he flies all over the country on guy's weekends or shacks up with his married girlfriend.
There have been plenty of sleepless nights filled with tears. I can't imagine what the walls of my shower and car have heard.
This was a huge blow to an inner self confidence or self esteem I had left. I am rebuilding it day by day, and slowly at that. It's incredibly painful that he is still with this married woman and her husband has no idea. Quite disgusting. What's more deplorable is the fact that instead of coming home and telling me there is someone else, he put it all on me and continued to lie about it for months until he was under oath.
I have put up boundaries and when I do so, he lashes out and tries to revoke something in monetary form. I have become quite versed in adequate and firm responses. It is amazing how nasty and trivial someone can become in front of your eyes. I have no idea who this man is. I will look back one day and be thankful I am free of such a narcissistic and deplorable individual.
I am only 34 and thankful I have the rest of my life in front of me. It will be a different life, but I hope it's filled with happiness and laughter.
We are just starting negotiations. I hope to go to mediation in February. He doesn't want to pay for college or be present for overnights with the children, and things of that nature. He will pay for me to finish college and a few years after that, but that's it. These are items that are non-negotiable. Meanwhile when he's doesn't have the children he flies all over the country on guy's weekends or shacks up with his married girlfriend.
There have been plenty of sleepless nights filled with tears. I can't imagine what the walls of my shower and car have heard.
This was a huge blow to an inner self confidence or self esteem I had left. I am rebuilding it day by day, and slowly at that. It's incredibly painful that he is still with this married woman and her husband has no idea. Quite disgusting. What's more deplorable is the fact that instead of coming home and telling me there is someone else, he put it all on me and continued to lie about it for months until he was under oath.
I have put up boundaries and when I do so, he lashes out and tries to revoke something in monetary form. I have become quite versed in adequate and firm responses. It is amazing how nasty and trivial someone can become in front of your eyes. I have no idea who this man is. I will look back one day and be thankful I am free of such a narcissistic and deplorable individual.
I am only 34 and thankful I have the rest of my life in front of me. It will be a different life, but I hope it's filled with happiness and laughter.
Still in court with mine but the divorce is final, and oh my gawd... You never realize all those years of walking on eggshells will lead up to the man you thought you married only being a figment of your imagination, at best.
Stay strong, sister. Keep up the therapy. Acknowledge that while you had a part of what went down in the marriage, most of what he is doing now is because he is not capable of empathy. That is a key trait.
Also .. STAY FIRM .. if he is not going to be present while he has the kids, then he doesn't get the kids. Period.
Keep a calendar of what happens on what dates in regards to him and the kids, keep all notes objective. You may need to refer to it later.
If it were me, I'd also be letting his mistress' husband know what is going on so he can get a heads up on what is coming down the pipeline for him. Not for drama's sake, but to help another family brace themselves for the inevitable mess that is coming their way.
If it were me, I'd also be letting his mistress' husband know what is going on so he can get a heads up on what is coming down the pipeline for him. Not for drama's sake, but to help another family brace themselves for the inevitable mess that is coming their way.
I definitely agree with this. The truth needs to come out.
kudos to you and your children, sincerely! Life is this way sometimes and we eventually learn the true meaning of making the best of our circumstances. When life hands you lemons...make lemonade!
Be kind to yourself and keep moving forward as I have learned myself that the best revenge (and I don't mean it literally) in cases similar to this, is striving for and achieving a successful life in every meaningful way possible!
She doesn't have children that I am aware of. She has been married for 15 years. Since my soon to be ex-husband is a partner in his firm and she is underneath him ( literally and figuratively ) they could both lose their jobs. I have to be careful because this could affect my financial outcome as well. I hope to find some of the money. Several subpoenas have gone out and I'm sure that rocked him a bit.
I do want to contact him ( mistress' hubby), but I think emotionally it might be too much at this point. My husband refuses to apologize or even acknowledge his affair. I told him he cannot set foot in my doorway until he addresses his affair and is truthful and forthcoming. So he now drops the kids off in the driveway. He is such a coward. He claims to not have any money and just bought a new BMW. Meanwhile I have to fight for $155 here and there for things he owes me. It's outrageous. During his deposition he knew literally nothing about our children. He wants 50/50 and wants me to sign something to cap his child support obligation. Outrageous. He has three children and he still needs to provide for them regardless of his martial status.
I realize I am a walking cliche or a lifetime movie.
I did really look deep down and looked at the part I played. It was hard to do. Looking back through our email exchanges prior to the split makes no sense. He tells me how much he misses me and loves me, etc. I am at a loss of how we had sex 21 days in row (because he was home for 3 weeks straight) and the next day dumps me. He went a step further and said that during that time he felt nothing for me. Really??!!!
I decided 2014 is my year. If I don't focus on myself nothing will change. My children will not be thriving unless I am as well. I am focusing on therapy, support groups, school and volunteering. I am going to volunteer once a month for a use I believe in. I still volunteer weekly at my children's school too.
He will be wealthy the rest of his life. I know he will never be happy unless he changes. I had begged him to go to counseling and her refused. In hindsight, I realized he would've had to compromise or change things about himself. I now know he is unwilling or incapable of change or empathy. He will be alone. I never met a grown successful man who acts like a child. He clearly still acts like he is in his frat college days. It is interesting that everyone sees him for what he is with the exception of his mom and some friends who are all cheaters.
At his holiday party this year, people were asking where I was. He told them I was sick! He hasn't even told his office colleagues yet. I am certain he has told so many lies that now he cannot keep them straight.
I really miss companionship. I realize I have been really alone for years. His needs always came first and I allowed that to happen. We are not a team. I supported him and it wasn't reciprocated. The thought of dating scares the hell out of me. I do miss sex very much. It's been 5 months! I haven't been on a date prior to the last two disasters since 1996!
My family and friends all tell me to go have fun and date lots of men. This is so not me! I Know they are trying to help, but I'm not built for that.
Does anyone have some storires or advice about putting yourself out there again? I'm not out looking for men, or love, but I am open to it. Does that make sense? I am pursuing my own interests and hobbies and hope that brings someone. Most if not all of my friends are married. The divorced friends I have are out looking for Mr. Right and are bitter. They haven't looked for a job, etc. I am making a concious decision to still be trusting and not end up a pessimist.
Rather than dating, focusing on re-inventing who you are, your hobbies and interest. Focusing re-establishing who you are at your core.
You need to go through the complete grieving cycle, and I assure you that there is more to come. You story is so much like mine in many ways it is amazing. Get out there for you - start a new hobby and get involved with a new thing type activity. Companionship will come with time.
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Great "comeback" story...
Life is this way sometimes and we eventually learn the true meaning of making the best of our circumstances. When life hands you lemons...make lemonade!
