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but it's not as easy as it used to be as people our age have busier lives and we're not able to pick up the phone and head for drinks/shopping/etc at the drop of a hat. Even with the close friends that I have maintained over the years...getting together is a lot harder than it used to be.
See, this is what I don't really understand. I am not busier now that I'm in my early 30's--I'm not busy at all. I can head out with a friend--if I were ever to make one--at the drop of a hat. Why not? I'm married, with no kids. I don't understand that whole "getting together is a lot harder than it used to be"--not for me. I think that's kind of a cop out excuse, to be perfectly honest.
See, this is what I don't really understand. I am not busier now that I'm in my early 30's--I'm not busy at all. I can head out with a friend--if I were ever to make one--at the drop of a hat. Why not? I'm married, with no kids. I don't understand that whole "getting together is a lot harder than it used to be"--not for me. I think that's kind of a cop out excuse, to be perfectly honest.
I've said it before, people will do what they want to do. How hard is it to get together for lunch when both people have to eat, and you are three floors apart? Not that hard. Even married people with kids do find time to get together with friends. I'm one of them, and I know other people who do also. It may not be every week, but I don't need to spend every waking moment with someone either. Like my mother says, people will show you whether or not they care anything about you. SHOW being the operative word.
I can totally empathize with you. Same here, try to make friends, but it is not reciprocated; I feel like I am always the one calling her, etc. I have just done my own little test and NOT called anyone for 5 days, and guess what? Nobody has called me!
I also had a conversation with a "friend" about making friends and she made a comment like, "you and I clicked right away", I was confused because I was the one that actually pursued her, made playdates w/our kids, invited them over, etc. But if I don't call her, she won't call me either.
I have just about given up on trying to figure it all out and am thinking like you that I would like it to be more than what others really want...
I totally understand. It's been a week since the lunch plans were "forgotten." I will not suggest another get together, send another personal email, or initiate a personal phone call until I get one. See we talked, and she said she didn't mean any harm. But she should know the ball is in her court, and if she really wants to convey that she is interested, she needs to initiate something. By the way, I did get three mass emails from her today, and I sent one out myself. I will continue this until I get something more. Eventually, I will have my answer.
See, this is what I don't really understand. I am not busier now that I'm in my early 30's--I'm not busy at all. I can head out with a friend--if I were ever to make one--at the drop of a hat. Why not? I'm married, with no kids. I don't understand that whole "getting together is a lot harder than it used to be"--not for me. I think that's kind of a cop out excuse, to be perfectly honest.
You don't think that if you made plans with a girlfriend, then your busy husband surprised you with taking the day off from work to be with you, that you wouldn't break off your original plans to be with your girlfriend?
Most women in their thirties are at work, with their kids, or a combination of work and kids. If they are married, their husband would come before their friends. I would say try to make friends with either a younger or older segment of the population. Just be more relaxed and don't try to meet only women of your own age and academic background.
And making good friends out of acquaintances does take time and patience. But when you have no friends at all due to moving and have a completely empty dance card, the wait seems even longer.
If you meet someone at work or at one of your group activities, don't focus directly on asking them out. Instead, keep the conversation light and casual. Make them laugh. Get them to talk about themselves. Find out what their hot buttons are. Once you know what they really love to do in their spare time, it's easier for you to suggest a shared activity that they will more likely to say yes to. If there is a movie that they are dying to see and happen to mention that their boyfriend or husband won't go to with them, that when you would offer to see that movie with them.
When my boyfriend first moved up to MA to be with me, he had no friends at all. I did introduce him to my male friends for a start, but he needed to make some friends on his own and who were exclusive to him. So for a few months, we went to some car meets. He met guys his own age who owned the same type of car and who also were members of the same car message boards. Then the first get togethers were the guys all attending the same autocross competition events. They would all park next to each other between heats and share equipment. Finally, one of them invited him over to a BBQ. Then they would help each other work on their cars. This took months and we all took our time. No one wanted any sketchy strangers over at their places.
I've noticed that car message board people are very friendly and love to get together to park their shiny cars next to each other and then go find something to eat. Or they hold garage days and help each other install parts on their cars.
With antiques, I find someone that wants to shop the same area as I do, but who is looking for different collectibles so we don't fight over the same things.
I like ethnic food, and I have certain friends that I go out to eat with at our favorite restaurants. I also, have a great time talking to people at grocery stores, especially while waiting in line. I'll admire their choice of foods and we'll exchange recipes while we wait. Or I'll be jealous of their ice cream selection. Last year, I was chatting and joking with a man buying these beautiful hotel roasts. Had I not had a boyfriend at the time, I was so close to inviting myself over to his feast. He had a great smile on his face, no wedding ring on, and it seemed like it was a gathering of guys.
See, this is what I don't really understand. I am not busier now that I'm in my early 30's--I'm not busy at all. I can head out with a friend--if I were ever to make one--at the drop of a hat. Why not? I'm married, with no kids. I don't understand that whole "getting together is a lot harder than it used to be"--not for me. I think that's kind of a cop out excuse, to be perfectly honest.
I have to disagree, I don't think it's a cop out excuse. Even though I don't have kids, my life has changed, my responsibilities have changed from 10 years ago when I was in my early 20's. I don't have as much of a desire to go out during the week...and neither do most of my friends. As most of them are also married/attached, weekends get consumed with spending time with husband or Bf, and family. Since my fiance and I live 1-1.5 hours away from both of our families, we not only my family events/obligations, but now his family stuff and weekend time gets sucked up very quickly. So given all of that and coupled with the fact that my friends have the same things going on in their lives (some with the added addition of kids), getting together does take more planning and advance notice than it used to.
i have a friend that every time she tells me that ..'Ill call ya tomo. or I'll email ya tomo.." she never does! every time. lol. so i started calling her when she didnt call me. she still says she will call, and she never does, so now i stoped calling her when she does this. I dont understand it, it only leaves me to think that shes tring to send me a hnt. or she cant come right out and say that she doesnt want to be friends. Or that theis friendship is just one-sided....
i have a friend that every time she tells me that ..'Ill call ya tomo. or I'll email ya tomo.." she never does! every time. lol. so i started calling her when she didnt call me. she still says she will call, and she never does, so now i stoped calling her when she does this. I dont understand it, it only leaves me to think that shes tring to send me a hnt. or she cant come right out and say that she doesnt want to be friends. Or that theis friendship is just one-sided....
That happens to me all the time with "friends". It is a mystery...I always feel like I am the initiator here and it gets tiring. The other thing is inviting people places and always getting the "wow, I loved talking to you. I have missed you, etc." Then I say, "let's do something tomorrow, or the next day, whatever" then I get declined. After about 3 invitations like that, I just give up and stop calling them. I am so sick of it, but now I find that it is very lonely. My dh is my best friend, but poor thing, he has to work so he can't hang out w/us.
Wow - reading through all the posts. Guess I'm not alone. I too am the person who initiates things - people/"friends" love it but nobody does anything back.
I have a friend that I instantly bonded with when we first moved to our new state 9 years ago. Looking back now I realize it was probably more due to our sons. But still, I thought we had really developed a close bond. We considered each other best friends, were inseparable - the other moms at school always joked about how one was never seen without the other.
Things started to change when the boys hit middle school and they were going through some financial problems. I rarely hear from her any longer. It's the weirdest thing. It really, really got to me around my birthday because I was turning 40. Didn't hear a word from her. Not even a card. I asked her in an email if I've done something wrong, etc. She gave me the answer back I knew she would - no, I've just been busy. The last I got was a few weeks ago. She said she would look at her schedule so we could go have dinner. Never heard back. I've given up. The ball is in her court. I've come to realize that most of the time all these years I was doing most of the work. It's sad really. Women sometimes aren't very good to each other are they?
I have two friends now who I hold very dear. One is 10 years younger than me. We are so alike. She is at a different stage in her life - 2 year old and an 8 month old, but that never stops us from spending time together. We just work around the schedules or drag the kids along.
The other is 7 years older than me. Not as close to her as the other friend, but glad I have her. We talked about the friend I felt I lost and she said at different stages of life, you'll have different friends and some will just drop off along the way. Seems sad - shouldn't have to be that way. Especially with how easy it is to communicate now a days. How hard is it to send a quick email?
Okay - I'm done. I feel like I relate to so much of what many of you have said. I tend not to fit in the the norm - I'm not the typical mom so I don't really click with other moms from my sons school. Plus once he hit middle school, I really wasn't that involved with school stuff any longer anyway. Next year it's high school. Probably even worse.
Yes, it is good to know that others experience the same thing. I had a question that may have something to do w/my issues. What do you mean when you say...
"I'm not the typical mom so I don't really click with other moms from my sons school."
Yes, it is good to know that others experience the same thing. I had a question that may have something to do w/my issues. What do you mean when you say...
"I'm not the typical mom so I don't really click with other moms from my sons school."
Thanks!
Let's see, where do I begin....I spent a long time being someone I thought I should because I saw all the other moms. How to dress, look, act, etc. I hit an age where suddenly I realized that wasn't me and I didn't like it. I started making personal changes that were to say the least, very obvious. My husband looks at old pictures of me and says, "That was so not you.". Our son hit an age where we really enjoyed the same things and I really discovered somethings that I love - music being one of them. I think it's possible my one time friend might have not like some of my outer changes - maybe she didn't want to be seen with me? I don't know. I haven't changed on the inside I don't think. I'm just more comfortable with who I am.
I hope I'm making sense. I do think the dramatic changes in my appearance did scare some people a bit - who pretty much judge by the outer stuff, which is pretty typical with a lot of women I would be around from my son's school. I was small, blonde, tan and pretty darn perky. Now, well, if you click on my profile and go to my homepage you'll see that's not quite me any longer and you'll see why maybe I just don't click
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