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Is your name Jean? This sounds very much like my best friends' situation. She is in a very identical situation. Similar past too. Scary.
Anyhow, I will you like I told her, you cannot run from your problems. You need to deal with the problem. It will not be any better being a single mother...matter fact, your quality of life will probably be worse and you may be trading this problem for another one. I saw this happen with my BFF, she would have a problem, run from it and right into another problem. She went from one bad situation to the next, all because she didn't solve the prior problem....snowball effect. Grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I'm sorry but as with my BFF, I have no sympathy for your situation and it irritates me that marriage is so disposable for you. That's what's wrong with our society's institution of marriage. You could've left before kid #1 was created thus not get married. I don't understand how you can be unhappy with someone but still continue to have sex with them...let alone, unprotected sex then turns into a child and thus a sticky situation. I say try to work it out. Get counseling. Do something but don't run from the problem.
And then choose to have a second child.
But I'm not sure what the point would be in getting counseling in order to work on a loveless marriage. Other than the economic benefits of staying in the marriage. I'm still waiting to hear from the OP regarding what she thinks her options are for a life post-divorce, if she has any.
Honestly, you are in no position to leave your husband. You have to be practical. Your life will be a nightmare if you walk away from your marriage to become a single mother of two young children.
Are you working? If not, what kind of income can you expect to make if you find a job? Do you make enough to support yourself and your children if he refuses to pay child support? How easy is it to find good, reliable, affordable babysitting in your area? If your husband gets into a new relationship, are you ready to send your children off to spend time with a woman you may not like or approve of? Think about the life your children will have, shuttling back and forth between you and their father.
The best thing you can do is to try to work things out. Get counseling. You may feel as if you don't love him now because he is disappointing you. This is not unusual. Most couples get to a point in their marriages where they are so unhappy that they want out. Some of the best marriages go through very difficult years before things get better. But if the two of you apply yourselves to working on the marriage, you can work through your problems.
Also, if you haven't already done so, please take care of yourself so that you do not have any more children while you are still unsure about the future of the marriage.
...on a side note, Love is a learned behavior. Even though he may have been a "rebound", you two need to find ways to (re)connect (of course, after the real problems are identified and addressed). If anything, you need to make an effort to coexist better together.
OP here... Thank you for all the replies! Wish I had time to log on throughout the day and check. I'll try to answer everyone's questions.
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Have you ever tried to resolve your relationship issues? Like, help him get healthier or try counseling for the two of you instead of just giving up?
I have tried to get him to eat healthier. I'm a health nut myself, and I could cook healthy for him, but I'll still find a big bag of chips in the center console or he'll go out for fast food after dinner. To be honest, it's frustrating spending a lot of time and energy cooking healthy and then he just eats crap afterwards, I've stopped doing it. He buys healthy food for me and the kids, then junk food for him and would rather I just let him feed himself.
As for counseling, I have mentioned it several times the past year. He says that our marriage is fine, and I'm the one who has issues, but he's happy so we don't need counseling.
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Does he love his children? And would you have the means to support them if you divorced your husband?
Yes, I do believe he loves his children. Even though he doesn't like doing any of the hard stuff like diaper changes, feedings, waking up at night, etc., he still loves them, I know this.
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Are you working? If not, what kind of income can you expect to make if you find a job? Do you make enough to support yourself and your children if he refuses to pay child support? How easy is it to find good, reliable, affordable babysitting in your area? If your husband gets into a new relationship, are you ready to send your children off to spend time with a woman you may not like or approve of? Think about the life your children will have, shuttling back and forth between you and their father.
The best thing you can do is to try to work things out. Get counseling. You may feel as if you don't love him now because he is disappointing you. This is not unusual. Most couples get to a point in their marriages where they are so unhappy that they want out. Some of the best marriages go through very difficult years before things get better. But if the two of you apply yourselves to working on the marriage, you can work through your problems.
Also, if you haven't already done so, please take care of yourself so that you do not have any more children while you are still unsure about the future of the marriage.
I'm a SAHM now, and it is just not my desire to leave my kids with someone I don't know or trust, and we have no family on this side of the country. I'd almost be willing to stick it out just because of that.
As for my options if I were to leave, I do have good career opportunities. Starting salary for my career is roughly $50,000 with benefits, and I would be able to support myself. I don't *currently* have a job, but have worked for several years in my field, so I could easily find one as there are jobs available.
I know he would pay child support if ordered. He has a really good career and they would deduct it from his paycheck if need be. I wouldn't describe him as a deadbeat dad, just not hands-on or helpful.
I've grown a bit wiser recently, no more kids for us. If (BIG if lately) we do it, we use protection, no exceptions.
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I just feel bad for your kids reading this. To have a father who acts like helping out with them is a burden? Oh god.
Get counseling or leave him, but just make sure THAT behavior stops. That's just cruel to your children - your oldest is old enough to internalize that.
Me too. He is better with the older kid though, so sometimes I think it's just a baby thing because he kinda sucked at taking care of our first when they were a baby too. I'm going to talk to him about the seriousness of this.
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I'd love to hear his side of this. Nobody can make an intelligent statement about your relationship without knowing how your husband feels. There are always two sides to every story and I have a feeling that if we were to hear his side, it would be a LOT different.
There are two sides to every story, you are right. And I'll do my best to give you his perspective from what he has told me. He doesn't feel like he does anything good enough for me. Like I can take care of the babies better, so it doesn't really do any good for him to take care of them because I got it covered. And I'm always critical when he does help. I think in my giving advice or suggestions, he takes it as criticism. He also works full time and I'm a SAHM so I should have everything under control (kids, house, cooking, etc). He doesn't think I want him in bed with me because I'm the one who kicked him out.... and I do kick him out if he tries to sleep in bed with me now because the snoring issue. I need him to try and solve that problem, at least show he cares by trying. He thinks I have too high expectations.
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Is your name Jean? This sounds very much like my best friends' situation. She is in a very identical situation. Similar past too. Scary.
I am leaning towards counseling now. I figure it can't hurt. I just don't think he will go, he really doesn't think we have any problems! I think he's generally pretty happy with me and I'm the one who has issues with him.
I was shuffled from house to house as a kid, as my parents divorced when I was just a baby. It's all I've ever known. I don't want that life for my kids. On the other hand though, his parents sleep in separate rooms, haven't had sex for years, and are in a very toxic marriage. They should have divorced years ago, but "stuck it out for the kids" and now everyone is miserable. I don't want that for my kids either! I would love for them to grow up in a loving home with both parents.
Part of me wonders if he is right in one matter... do I just have too high expectations? Do I need to lower my expectations?? My cousin's husband is always doing stuff like getting drunk around the kids, yelling at all of them, blowing his money on tattoos and cars instead of providing food for the family, cheating, and lots of other stuff. My husband always says "at least I'm not like ______, it could be worse!" Would lowering my expectations and being grateful that I have someone who doesn't cheat, isn't violent, a good provider, and is a nice person... shouldn't that be enough?? I just long for so much more in our relationship though. I long for love and intimacy. Our marriage feels like a business relationship or roommates. And I don't want to lower my expectations because then I think it will just get worse!
Obviously, I have a lot to think about. I'm not going to rush into anything, except maybe rush into counseling.
Like I can take care of the babies better, so it doesn't really do any good for him to take care of them because I got it covered. And I'm always critical when he does help. I think in my giving advice or suggestions, he takes it as criticism.
That's fairly common. Let him do that stuff his own way, and go have some you-time instead.
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And I don't want to lower my expectations because then I think it will just get worse!
What expectations do you have? It might be helpful to identify and if possible quantify what you want before seeing the counsellor. I don't mean you should show up with a huge shopping list of improvements to be made, just a couple of very concrete things you know would help.
Part of me wonders if he is right in one matter... do I just have too high expectations? Do I need to lower my expectations?? My cousin's husband is always doing stuff like getting drunk around the kids, yelling at all of them, blowing his money on tattoos and cars instead of providing food for the family, cheating, and lots of other stuff. My husband always says "at least I'm not like ______, it could be worse!" Would lowering my expectations and being grateful that I have someone who doesn't cheat, isn't violent, a good provider, and is a nice person... shouldn't that be enough?? I just long for so much more in our relationship though. I long for love and intimacy. Our marriage feels like a business relationship or roommates. And I don't want to lower my expectations because then I think it will just get worse!
Obviously, I have a lot to think about. I'm not going to rush into anything, except maybe rush into counseling.
His not being a cheater or alcoholic wife-beater is the bare minimum. No, his working full time and not beating you are not enough for a healthy, successful marriage.
However, your complaints are very common. To have a truly intimate marriage requires daily intentional attention and work from BOTH partners, and the system usually breaks down when you have babies because it can't just be automatic anymore.
Counseling will definitely help. It may not convince your husband to change, but it will at the very least clarify your own motivations and your thoughts about your feelings. Depending on how old your kids are, divorce may not be the BEST option. But I am betting the reason your husband doesn't think you need counseling is because he KNOWS he will have to do hard work and be accountable for his actions.
I stupidly got married at 19. Stupid, I know, but I was young. My ex was abusive in all sorts of ways, mostly physical and verbal. Left after a few years. Started dating my current husband a month after I left my ex. I suppose looking back I can see it was a rebound relationship, although I didn't think so at the time.
He seemed perfect compared to my ex. He never yells, isn't violent, and was wise with his money whereas my ex drove us to bankruptcy. A few what I thought to be minor issue came up about 1 1/2 years into the relationship -- mainly he thought I was lazy and always got after me for it (I wasn't, and he admits that now he just didn't know how much work actually went into my studies), he didn't take care of his health, and he was addicted to the internet. I almost left him, actually started looking for another place to live (we lived together), then I got pregnant. I love our daughter to death and she is not a mistake at all, but it was a mistake to be having unprotected sex with someone while I was planning on leaving them!! I know! Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
So while I was pregnant, we got married. It seemed to be working out fine, and I blamed any ill feelings I had towards him on postpartum depression or just adjusting to life with kids. We had another kid too, so now we have 2 little ones. We have been married for almost 2 1/2 years now.
I am starting to realize that those little issues I had with him in the past (mainly not taking care of his health and addiction to internet) are actually HUGE things and putting a major strain on our relationship. He acts like helping do things like read to one kid while I change a diaper or wipe a kid up after eating or give a kid a bottle is a huge burden and constantly complains. I'm sure I'm no angel either, he says my major flaw is that I'm rude.
We live like roommates now. Haven't slept in the same bed for about 2 years, he sleeps downstairs and I'm upstairs. I kicked him out of the room when I was 8 months pregnant with our first. He snores really loud and I just found it difficult to go back to sleep after getting up to pee for the billionth time that night if he was snoring. His snoring has gotten worse because he is gaining more weight, but he doesn't do anything about it. He can't even sleep in the same room as me now because I can no longer wear ear plugs since I need to hear the kids if they wake up. He won't wake up to their cries, I think he has selective hearing at night. So I told him go to the doctor and get a cpap or surgery or nasal strips or something, anything, to fix the problem so we can sleep together in the same room. He won't do anything about it.
So all these problems are causing major strain on our relationship. We don't hardly have sex because since we don't sleep in the same room and with 2 little kids, it is hard. I really see now that I shouldn't have married him. I was pregnant and that is why I did. I don't really love him anymore, or at least that is how I feel right now.
The issue is that other than how he is less than helpful with the kids and he doesn't try and solve the snoring problem so he can sleep in the same bed with me, he is a good guy. Holds a steady job, supports our family, provides for us, doesn't yell, isn't abusive, doesn't cheat, honest, etc. We get along, there is just NO passion, it is like room mates.
So, today, I told him I wanted a separation. I am not in a place to move out, and I don't want to move out, I think I just said that because I wanted to give him a wake up call. I admitted to him I don't love him anymore. I know that sounds cruel, but it is like we are roommates.
What do you think I should do from here? It probably wasn't wise to say what I did today, but I can't go back in time and undo it. I was honest, and I told him how I feel. Neither of us are wearing our wedding rings now, I threw mine at him actually after our son was screaming his head off on the ground and I was taking care of something else and asked him to pick our son up, but he just said "you're right there, you do it" (he was on the internet, I was doing something I think with our other kid). Overreacting maybe, but it was like the last straw.
Advice?? I'm so lost. I would love to save our marriage if it means actually having a marriage, but what we have now is a joke of a marriage. On the outside to everyone else we look happy, but we are living like without passion or love.
Hey Jane,
I read all your stuff and here's what I think --- the snoring is indicative of all the other problems. Snoring effects the whole family, not just the spouse woken up. The snorer sometimes wakes up hundreds of times a night without even realizing it. He is likely really sleep-deprived. The extra-curricular eating is kind of a pick-me-up, and he is probably exhausted and is looking for an energy boost. The internet consumption happens when your brain can't process too much challenging interaction (look at some of our post counts on cd, haha!). And he is crabby and not thinking straight re: your family.
But here's the sad thing -- he is unwilling to do anything about it, or even hear you and your concerns. He thinks he is "fine" and it's you with the problem.
He is correct. Your problem is what to do about his stonewalling you.
I have a quick, non-confrontational suggestion -- print out some info on snoring, sleep-deprivation and effects on health and family. Just leave it by his computer. Don't say anything for a couple of days. And then say "I would really like US to get a sleep study done". If you start with this and not "we need counseling" that shows you are trying to knock out the physical problems first.
I was married to someone who always thought he was "fine" and I was the problem. This is an inflexibility that becomes worse over time, I hate to tell you. Don't live in the Cold War. It is terrible for the whole family.
If he continues to project all problems on you, quietly explore your options to move out. You are clearly intelligent and perceptive, and fairly young. You all deserve better.
As for counseling, I have mentioned it several times the past year. He says that our marriage is fine, and I'm the one who has issues, but he's happy so we don't need counseling.
I'm a SAHM now, and it is just not my desire to leave my kids with someone I don't know or trust, and we have no family on this side of the country. I'd almost be willing to stick it out just because of that
I am leaning towards counseling now. I figure it can't hurt. I just don't think he will go, he really doesn't think we have any problems! I think he's generally pretty happy with me and I'm the one who has issues with him.
Part of me wonders if he is right in one matter... do I just have too high expectations? Do I need to lower my expectations??
There must be a parallel universe and you are the parallel to my BFF. Unless this situation is just THAT common, which is very sad.
She abandoned her first marriage (young), got with this guy but complained after about 1 year in and wanted to leave him. 3 years later, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. Could've left but got pregnant again, wanted to abort the child because she didn't want to have a child with him. I convinced her that she choose to stay with him so she needs to take responsibility for getting pregnant since they continued to have sex knowing she wanted out. 1 month after the child was born (she wouldn't trade her kid in for anything), they married (I advised AGAINST marriage but she felt forced to and I told her that is not an excuse.). She's wanted a divorce since the day they got married and I told her she choose to marry him so now she needs to make it work. She too has no family near her. All live at least 600 miles away (including me). I also gave her a bunch of scenarios to consider if she were to leave now; the legal aspect (kids and marriage - moving the child back home), a new woman he would have and their role with her kids, quality of life...
He doesn't have an issue so he is opposed to marriage counseling too. Fast forward 7 years in (3 years of marriage), they have kid #2 (planned). She is a SAHM too. He works about 70+ hours a week so not only is he doing his manly duty and providing for them, he isn't home so you would think she would be happy but instead complains that he doesn't help when he is there. THE MAN IS TIRED! Give him a break! Whenever I am there, I see him be nothing but attentive and does every command she gives him. But she says that he is just showing off. I've told her that her expectations are too high AND that she can't expect him to be the dad she was hoping for. That's what happens when you have sex with someone you really didn't want to be with. The possibility of kids is always in the air. To not have been exposed to children, I think he is doing the best he knows how. Men aren't crazy about handling newborns. I notice he's more comfortable with the second child though. She is just too hard on him. The poor man gets off work, has about 2 hours to spend when he gets home before he has to get to bed, and that's with him cooking the dinner, spending time with the kids and getting the oldest in the tub and to bed (they sleep in separate rooms too. BFF sleeps in the bedroom with the newborn and her 7 ft tall husband is reduced to a twin size childs bed in their oldests room. Oldest sleeps on another smaller bed in the room). Anyhow, that's still not enough for her.
It all boils down to the choices you make. Everything could've been avoided but you have to find a way to make the best out of your situation. No relationship is perfect, even if it looks that way. If you were interested in him at one point, I believe you can find a way to connect and be interested in him again, or at least respect him enough to where you can coexist peacefully. If you're like my friend, you're expecting romance to be roses, gifts, surprises...that's for the movies. I find my own boyfriend to be romantic when he cooks, does chores, small displays of affection in front of friends/family. Change your way of how you think of him. If I were you, I would find it VERY romantic that he is working so you can be at home and watch your children grow and teaching your kids. (My BFF oldest is probably smarter than other 3 y/o I know because she is home and teaching her.) You can't get that time back. Take advantage. I hope this helps.
Just because he doesn't beat you or cheat, has a steady job and supports his family, and doesn't blow all your money on strip clubs and booze doesn't make him a great husband. Those are the things he is supposed to do to be a decent human being and contributing member of society. I think it's pretty selfish of him to say well he is happy, so he's not going to do anything to change despite that fact that you're unhappy. I'm a light sleeper myself, so I don't blame you at all for kicking him out for the snoring. Especially when it's likely an issue that could be fixed if he got himself some help. It sounds to me like you guys are having some basic communication issues plus dealing with the stress of having little kids. I bet marriage counseling with a good counselor could really help you guys, but if he refuses to go you can't force him. Go for yourself.
If he refuses to make any changes then you're going to have a tough decision to make. You're going to have to weigh the risks of leaving and getting a job and leaving your kids at day care with being able to stay home with them, but be stuck with someone you don't want to be with. Do you think he loves you? Maybe he needs a reality check about how unhappy you are. I think a lot of guys brush off their wife's concerns thinking she won't really do anything, then act shocked and play the part of the victim when she follows through. I hope he takes you seriously and you guys get some help. Best of luck!
If he refuses to make any changes then you're going to have a tough decision to make. You're going to have to weigh the risks of leaving and getting a job and leaving your kids at day care with being able to stay home with them, but be stuck with someone you don't want to be with. Do you think he loves you? Maybe he needs a reality check about how unhappy you are. I think a lot of guys brush off their wife's concerns thinking she won't really do anything, then act shocked and play the part of the victim when she follows through. I hope he takes you seriously and you guys get some help. Best of luck!
I do think he loves me. He was tearing up when I told him honestly how I felt yesterday. He didn't act angry or anything. Actually went out and bought some snoring breathe right strips, so we'll see how those work. Didn't actually put them on though..... :-/ baby steps?
He does seem to brush off my concerns, tell me that I really have no reason to not be happy because he is a "good guy" (aka not a wife beater, has a job, etc).
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If you were interested in him at one point, I believe you can find a way to connect and be interested in him again, or at least respect him enough to where you can coexist peacefully. If you're like my friend, you're expecting romance to be roses, gifts, surprises...that's for the movies. I find my own boyfriend to be romantic when he cooks, does chores, small displays of affection in front of friends/family. Change your way of how you think of him. If I were you, I would find it VERY romantic that he is working so you can be at home and watch your children grow and teaching your kids. (My BFF oldest is probably smarter than other 3 y/o I know because she is home and teaching her.) You can't get that time back. Take advantage. I hope this helps.
My husband says the same thing, all that stuff is for the movies. But is it, really? I also find it romantic if he cooks or does chores around the house, but the problem is 95% of the time whenever he does those things, it is after I have to bug him for help over and over again and he puts up a huge attitude like a teenage boy.
I wish he understood how much a simple hug everyday would mean to me. He probably hugs me twice a month only. I'm so lonely.
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I have a quick, non-confrontational suggestion -- print out some info on snoring, sleep-deprivation and effects on health and family. Just leave it by his computer. Don't say anything for a couple of days. And then say "I would really like US to get a sleep study done". If you start with this and not "we need counseling" that shows you are trying to knock out the physical problems first.
Good idea. I will do that, thank you.
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However, your complaints are very common. To have a truly intimate marriage requires daily intentional attention and work from BOTH partners, and the system usually breaks down when you have babies because it can't just be automatic anymore.
I can definitely look back and see how this would happen. If things are going to work out, we both need to be more intentional in working on our marriage. I hope I can love him again.
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I'd almost be willing to stick it out just because of that.
I love our daughter to death and she is not a mistake at all, but it was a mistake to be having unprotected sex with someone while I was planning on leaving them!! I know! Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
