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I stupidly got married at 19. Stupid, I know, but I was young. My ex was abusive in all sorts of ways, mostly physical and verbal. Left after a few years. Started dating my current husband a month after I left my ex. I suppose looking back I can see it was a rebound relationship, although I didn't think so at the time.
He seemed perfect compared to my ex. He never yells, isn't violent, and was wise with his money whereas my ex drove us to bankruptcy. A few what I thought to be minor issue came up about 1 1/2 years into the relationship -- mainly he thought I was lazy and always got after me for it (I wasn't, and he admits that now he just didn't know how much work actually went into my studies), he didn't take care of his health, and he was addicted to the internet. I almost left him, actually started looking for another place to live (we lived together), then I got pregnant. I love our daughter to death and she is not a mistake at all, but it was a mistake to be having unprotected sex with someone while I was planning on leaving them!! I know! Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
So while I was pregnant, we got married. It seemed to be working out fine, and I blamed any ill feelings I had towards him on postpartum depression or just adjusting to life with kids. We had another kid too, so now we have 2 little ones. We have been married for almost 2 1/2 years now.
I am starting to realize that those little issues I had with him in the past (mainly not taking care of his health and addiction to internet) are actually HUGE things and putting a major strain on our relationship. He acts like helping do things like read to one kid while I change a diaper or wipe a kid up after eating or give a kid a bottle is a huge burden and constantly complains. I'm sure I'm no angel either, he says my major flaw is that I'm rude.
We live like roommates now. Haven't slept in the same bed for about 2 years, he sleeps downstairs and I'm upstairs. I kicked him out of the room when I was 8 months pregnant with our first. He snores really loud and I just found it difficult to go back to sleep after getting up to pee for the billionth time that night if he was snoring. His snoring has gotten worse because he is gaining more weight, but he doesn't do anything about it. He can't even sleep in the same room as me now because I can no longer wear ear plugs since I need to hear the kids if they wake up. He won't wake up to their cries, I think he has selective hearing at night. So I told him go to the doctor and get a cpap or surgery or nasal strips or something, anything, to fix the problem so we can sleep together in the same room. He won't do anything about it.
So all these problems are causing major strain on our relationship. We don't hardly have sex because since we don't sleep in the same room and with 2 little kids, it is hard. I really see now that I shouldn't have married him. I was pregnant and that is why I did. I don't really love him anymore, or at least that is how I feel right now.
The issue is that other than how he is less than helpful with the kids and he doesn't try and solve the snoring problem so he can sleep in the same bed with me, he is a good guy. Holds a steady job, supports our family, provides for us, doesn't yell, isn't abusive, doesn't cheat, honest, etc. We get along, there is just NO passion, it is like room mates.
So, today, I told him I wanted a separation. I am not in a place to move out, and I don't want to move out, I think I just said that because I wanted to give him a wake up call. I admitted to him I don't love him anymore. I know that sounds cruel, but it is like we are roommates.
What do you think I should do from here? It probably wasn't wise to say what I did today, but I can't go back in time and undo it. I was honest, and I told him how I feel. Neither of us are wearing our wedding rings now, I threw mine at him actually after our son was screaming his head off on the ground and I was taking care of something else and asked him to pick our son up, but he just said "you're right there, you do it" (he was on the internet, I was doing something I think with our other kid). Overreacting maybe, but it was like the last straw.
Advice?? I'm so lost. I would love to save our marriage if it means actually having a marriage, but what we have now is a joke of a marriage. On the outside to everyone else we look happy, but we are living like without passion or love.
he is a good guy. Holds a steady job, supports our family, provides for us, doesn't yell, isn't abusive, doesn't cheat, honest, etc
I believe that was the definition of a good guy in 1953. In 2014, it is an absolute baseline, and from what you're telling us, your husband's not a "good guy." Of course, there's always the other side which we're not being told, but judging from what I can read in your post, he's not contributing to either parenting or to maintaining your marriage.
You both should see a marriage counsellor. I don't know what laws are on the books where you are - in Norway it's a prerequisite for couples with children who want to take out separation, and I believe it's a good idea anyway.
I believe that was the definition of a good guy in 1953. In 2014, it is an absolute baseline, and from what you're telling us, your husband's not a "good guy." Of course, there's always the other side which we're not being told, but judging from what I can read in your post, he's not contributing to either parenting or to maintaining your marriage.
You both should see a marriage counsellor. I don't know what laws are on the books where you are - in Norway it's a prerequisite for couples with children who want to take out separation, and I believe it's a good idea anyway.
I've been in your place and it's not nice.
I agree with this. Oddly enough, many guys still feel the need express the fact they have car, home and job. Especially on dating websites.
Harping at you because he believed you were "lazy" was the first red flag. That just sounds strange, and it sounds like he has latent emotionally abusive tendencies. It's interesting that he didn't interpret his internet addiction as "laziness". Lots of red flags in the beginning, lots of indications that you shouldn't have had a second child with this guy (let alone--unprotected sex, resulting in the 1st child). Just thought I'd point that out about the "laziness" nagging.
I'm not sure it's possible to save a marriage if you don't even love him.
Exactly. To be honest, it doesn't seem like he loves her either.
Divorce. Don't get married again until you're ABSOLUTELY SURE that you want to be with the person. Moreover, from what I've read, it seems like you BOTH have issues that you need to work out...not just him.
There is so much that we can't know from your situation, but I agree w/ Dewdrop, if you don't feel love then you need to move on.
If you do love him, I agree with Norgy. Get some counseling soon!
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I love our daughter to death and she is not a mistake at all, but it was a mistake to be having unprotected sex with someone while I was planning on leaving them!! I know! Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
