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Old 01-05-2014, 04:04 PM
 
Location: If I tell you, will you visit?
888 posts, read 876,373 times
Reputation: 975

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, he doesn't want to change, his family doesn't want him to change, he is not going to change.

You can either bang your head against the wall trying to get him to change (and failing), or move on.
this
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Old 01-05-2014, 04:05 PM
 
9,018 posts, read 7,934,850 times
Reputation: 14414
I find it to be extremely pathetic when a grown man can't cut the cord to his mama's apron strings.
This particular post makes me wonder- what's happening these days to men?
Why can't they grow up & be self sufficient, mature, reliable & responsible?
I've seen too much of this lately- mama's boys.....omg, no
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Old 01-05-2014, 04:13 PM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,136 posts, read 21,096,010 times
Reputation: 23163
Quote:
Originally Posted by expatlily View Post
Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. He's 29, I'm 26.
My problem- His family is just too overpresent in our life. It's just way too much for me.
He's from a Latin family, so in that culture it's pretty normal to be very close to the family. But even for being Latin he's overly extreme.
I do like his family, I get along with them very well- But I feel like we don't get enough alone time and that he always chooses his family over me.

Examples:

- His family lives only 5 min (car) from his place. He sees them at least 4-6 times per week. And not just for an hour or so, usually at least 3 hours to up to a whole day

- When I wanna go for lunch with him he often says he already made plans with his family but I'm welcome to join

- He calls his mom at least 1-3 times per day, even on days where they see each other

- He sometimes brings dirty clothes or clothes with holes in it to his mom so she can wash or sew them

- His father recently lost his job so he's even partly financially providing for his parents and his brother (which is nice from him but if that goes on like this for the next couple of years.. his mom is a housewife although her youngest son is 25, but she doesn't wanna work or cancel paid TV to save money)

- We went a whole week to a rented house to a village with his whole family (including cousins, aunts, grandma etc.) and afterwards he still wants to see them a day later

.. I can give a lot more examples.



This stuff has been annoying me for a while but I never said anything because I don't want to stand between him and his family. But a recent thing is really over the top for me- There was a water accident in his apartment so all floors are destroyed. They took out the floors already and there is a lot of fungus so he has to wait a month to let everything dry and put new floors. Instead of asking me if he can live with me for a month he directly moved in to his parents, where he has to sleep on a mattress. I live alone in a nice apartment with a big bed and I also offered him to live with me for that month. He didn't directly say no, but he didn't seem too excited about the idea. I told him that it is absolutely no problem and I would be happy to have him here, but he just avoided that topic. He moved in with his parents and is now staying at my place a few nights per week. He never wants to bring clothes to my apartment or anything else, when he sleeps here he just brings underwear for the next day. I don't get it. We've been together for 1.5 years and it has been going great, living together for a month would be a nice test to see how it would be to live together in the future. Instead, he chooses his parents over me. Is that normal?

I really don't know what to think. I love him a lot, but I just think this family thing is too much. I mean, now he even chooses to live with his parents instead of living with his girlfriend.


What are your thoughts?
I think you are being used and wasting your time. Mama's boys are not good husband material. Run, don't walk, away!

Have you seen "Everybody Loves Raymond?" Your BOYfriend is Raymond.
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Old 01-05-2014, 05:11 PM
 
Location: Northern VA (for now)
22,971 posts, read 31,890,083 times
Reputation: 30295
Quote:
Originally Posted by expatlily View Post
Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. He's 29, I'm 26.
My problem- His family is just too overpresent in our life. It's just way too much for me.
He's from a Latin family, so in that culture it's pretty normal to be very close to the family. But even for being Latin he's overly extreme.
I do like his family, I get along with them very well- But I feel like we don't get enough alone time and that he always chooses his family over me.

Examples:

- His family lives only 5 min (car) from his place. He sees them at least 4-6 times per week. And not just for an hour or so, usually at least 3 hours to up to a whole day

- When I wanna go for lunch with him he often says he already made plans with his family but I'm welcome to join

- He calls his mom at least 1-3 times per day, even on days where they see each other

- He sometimes brings dirty clothes or clothes with holes in it to his mom so she can wash or sew them

- His father recently lost his job so he's even partly financially providing for his parents and his brother (which is nice from him but if that goes on like this for the next couple of years.. his mom is a housewife although her youngest son is 25, but she doesn't wanna work or cancel paid TV to save money)

- We went a whole week to a rented house to a village with his whole family (including cousins, aunts, grandma etc.) and afterwards he still wants to see them a day later

.. I can give a lot more examples.



This stuff has been annoying me for a while but I never said anything because I don't want to stand between him and his family. But a recent thing is really over the top for me- There was a water accident in his apartment so all floors are destroyed. They took out the floors already and there is a lot of fungus so he has to wait a month to let everything dry and put new floors. Instead of asking me if he can live with me for a month he directly moved in to his parents, where he has to sleep on a mattress. I live alone in a nice apartment with a big bed and I also offered him to live with me for that month. He didn't directly say no, but he didn't seem too excited about the idea. I told him that it is absolutely no problem and I would be happy to have him here, but he just avoided that topic. He moved in with his parents and is now staying at my place a few nights per week. He never wants to bring clothes to my apartment or anything else, when he sleeps here he just brings underwear for the next day. I don't get it. We've been together for 1.5 years and it has been going great, living together for a month would be a nice test to see how it would be to live together in the future. Instead, he chooses his parents over me. Is that normal?

I really don't know what to think. I love him a lot, but I just think this family thing is too much. I mean, now he even chooses to live with his parents instead of living with his girlfriend.


What are your thoughts?
Hate to be the one to break it to you but you are dating a momma's boy. Momma's boys don't make good significant others.
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Old 01-05-2014, 05:25 PM
 
896 posts, read 910,653 times
Reputation: 1283
Quote:
Originally Posted by expatlily View Post
Small Update: I wanted to talk to him about this issue this afternoon. This was our conversation:

Me: I just don't understand why you would prefer to live with your parents than living with me, your girlfriend.

Him (directly got angry): Well if you think like this I'll stay from now on all the time with my parents.

Me (this last sentence got me pissed a little): Whatever you prefer.

Him: Yes, much better.


Then we didn't talk for a while and he left, but I decided to try again after I went to his parents' house for lunch (he left my apartment this morning to go to his parents place to do some sports, to shower, get dressed and hang out, all things he could have done at my place too). He drove me back to my place and had a bag of things with him, so at first I assumed he wants to stay at my place instead of just bringing me home and then going back to his parents to take a long nap there (he works at night tonight, so he usually sleeps a bit in the afternoon) and go to work from there.


Me: Are you going to work from my place?

Him: No, why would I.

Me: I thought so because I saw that you took a bag with you.

Him: No.

Me: I just don't understand it. I live alone, I have a bed and everything and you still prefer to sleep on a mattress on the floor of your parents. This just doesn't make sense to me.

Him (getting angry again): I never said I wanna stay at my parents, you just said I should. And I slept many nights at your place.

Me: What? I never said you should stay at your parents. I told you a million times to stay with me, the only thing I just asked is why you prefer your parents over me. I invited you so many times to stay with me and you never said you will.

Him: There you got it. This is not even worth a discussion. Let's just not talk.



He didn't say anything and I also didnt try again. He dropped me off at my place and that was it.
He does not want to live with you. stop looking for a pathological reason and start facing the truth. he just doesnt see you like that, you arent his choice of a live in girlfriend. You asked him to choose between you and his family and he chose his family.
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Old 01-05-2014, 05:50 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
671 posts, read 775,364 times
Reputation: 836
You need to run, not walk. This will go straight from mom to a relationship where he will expect his girlfriend/wife to take care of him like a mother. If he's going to put his family before your relationship then let him be with his family and you can go find a guy that will want to spend time with you and put your relationship first.
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Old 01-05-2014, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,583 posts, read 6,096,878 times
Reputation: 42237
OP - Why are you hanging on?
Is there any reason why you can't get another BF?
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Old 01-05-2014, 06:04 PM
 
1,235 posts, read 1,122,427 times
Reputation: 1288
OP you are obviously American? What is happening in your relationship is a simple case of difference in culture. I don't see anything wrong with your BF's attitude. I am asian so his closeness to his family is not alien to me even in adulthood. It is only here in america where at 18 you Are expected to be independent. Newsflash other cultures and races don't do what you do here.

I think it's a mix of culture and super closeness to his family.

It really is up to you if you can deal with it if you do choose to marry him because he will not change. That I bet you.
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Old 01-05-2014, 06:12 PM
 
7 posts, read 8,651 times
Reputation: 10
No, I'm Italian. In my culture family is also extremly important, so I understand closeness to the family, but not like this. As I said, I do love my family a lot too and I love seeing them, but that is absolutely no comparison. I'm also familiar with his culture because I lived in his country for a year during university.

And yes, probably he won't change. I already have horror scenarios in my head that his mom will be around me all the time if we ever have kids, helping me to raise them etc.. Or my boyfriend staying a couple of days at home in mama's bed when he's sick. Or his parents moving in with us when they're old. And and and...
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Old 01-05-2014, 06:40 PM
 
Location: NJ = the $ you have is NOT yours.
6,123 posts, read 4,048,067 times
Reputation: 3617
Quote:
Originally Posted by expatlily View Post
No, I'm Italian. In my culture family is also extremly important, so I understand closeness to the family, but not like this. As I said, I do love my family a lot too and I love seeing them, but that is absolutely no comparison. I'm also familiar with his culture because I lived in his country for a year during university.

And yes, probably he won't change. I already have horror scenarios in my head that his mom will be around me all the time if we ever have kids, helping me to raise them etc.. Or my boyfriend staying a couple of days at home in mama's bed when he's sick. Or his parents moving in with us when they're old. And and and...
Maybe before they get old so you better not have "large housing" wants unless his part of the family likes sleeping on the floor and all using one bathroom.
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