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Old 01-05-2014, 11:04 AM
 
7 posts, read 3,128 times
Reputation: 10
Question Boyfriend is crazy about his family and now even chooses to live with them instead of with me

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. He's 29, I'm 26.
My problem- His family is just too overpresent in our life. It's just way too much for me.
He's from a Latin family, so in that culture it's pretty normal to be very close to the family. But even for being Latin he's overly extreme.
I do like his family, I get along with them very well- But I feel like we don't get enough alone time and that he always chooses his family over me.

Examples:

- His family lives only 5 min (car) from his place. He sees them at least 4-6 times per week. And not just for an hour or so, usually at least 3 hours to up to a whole day

- When I wanna go for lunch with him he often says he already made plans with his family but I'm welcome to join

- He calls his mom at least 1-3 times per day, even on days where they see each other

- He sometimes brings dirty clothes or clothes with holes in it to his mom so she can wash or sew them

- His father recently lost his job so he's even partly financially providing for his parents and his brother (which is nice from him but if that goes on like this for the next couple of years.. his mom is a housewife although her youngest son is 25, but she doesn't wanna work or cancel paid TV to save money)

- We went a whole week to a rented house to a village with his whole family (including cousins, aunts, grandma etc.) and afterwards he still wants to see them a day later

.. I can give a lot more examples.



This stuff has been annoying me for a while but I never said anything because I don't want to stand between him and his family. But a recent thing is really over the top for me- There was a water accident in his apartment so all floors are destroyed. They took out the floors already and there is a lot of fungus so he has to wait a month to let everything dry and put new floors. Instead of asking me if he can live with me for a month he directly moved in to his parents, where he has to sleep on a mattress. I live alone in a nice apartment with a big bed and I also offered him to live with me for that month. He didn't directly say no, but he didn't seem too excited about the idea. I told him that it is absolutely no problem and I would be happy to have him here, but he just avoided that topic. He moved in with his parents and is now staying at my place a few nights per week. He never wants to bring clothes to my apartment or anything else, when he sleeps here he just brings underwear for the next day. I don't get it. We've been together for 1.5 years and it has been going great, living together for a month would be a nice test to see how it would be to live together in the future. Instead, he chooses his parents over me. Is that normal?

I really don't know what to think. I love him a lot, but I just think this family thing is too much. I mean, now he even chooses to live with his parents instead of living with his girlfriend.


What are your thoughts?
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Salt Lake City
2,012 posts, read 2,364,476 times
Reputation: 3338
That is not healthy or normal. I'd talk it over with him but unfortunately, I don't think it's going to change anything. It may be time to move on.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:10 AM
 
8,266 posts, read 4,613,847 times
Reputation: 15716
There is no chance he is going to change. If you can't handle it you need to move on.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Southern New Jersey US of A
2,654 posts, read 1,104,509 times
Reputation: 1766
OP - Here's my DIRECT, STRAIGHT AND BLUNT IN KIND ABOUT THIS:

BF is not a man, he's still a little boy.

BF is not even a BF.

He hasn't grown up yet nor is detached from the "birth cord".

Time to move on and find a real man.

He's already chosen his priorities and it's not you.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:26 AM
 
7 posts, read 3,128 times
Reputation: 10
I wouldn't even mind to see his family once per week, but this is just too much. He always wants me to come with him so he sees me as his girlfriend.. most of the times I came with him, but now I'm at the point where I just don't wanna see his parents more than once a week. Problem is, that means I won't see him a lot of times. Also, I recently found out that his parents never saved money or put money in a retirement fond or so, so when they're old his father either has to keep working til he dies (because mom doesn't wanna work) or they'll need money from relatives- Probably from my boyfriend because he makes more money than all the other relatives.

He doesn't even agree that I'm not his pritority because 'I go on holiday with you, not my parents' and 'I sleep many times at your place and not at my parents', but I don't see it like this. In the end, he prefers to put all of his stuff to his parents, not to me. Later today he has to work and he even left my apartment this morning to shower and get ready at his parents place (and have lunch with them) instead of just showering at my place.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:28 AM
 
Location: State of Relaxation
31,708 posts, read 17,513,682 times
Reputation: 21772
He's not ready for an adult relationship. End of story.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:31 AM
 
Location: The front porch outside of the Astral Plane
17,397 posts, read 10,291,378 times
Reputation: 27677
You should have figured out a year ago he does not really want to be with you because you are not more important or even equally important as his family and you never will be.
He is still with you because he can spend the night a few times a week, has sex for free and no responsibility at your place financially or otherwise.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:37 AM
 
896 posts, read 343,134 times
Reputation: 1283
Why is everyone hating on this guy, as thought the OP is entitled to have the relationship she desires? He is a child simply because he isn't giving the OP what she wants? Maybe she hasn't earned it yet?

Bottom line is, he does not want to make you a part of his family at this point. Maybe he will eventually, or maybe not. Right now you aren't marriage material so far as he is concerned. And he obviously is not the type of man who takes living together casually, even though you do.

Can you think of any reasons why he does not view you as ltr/marriage material?
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:45 AM
 
7 posts, read 3,128 times
Reputation: 10
I don't think he doesn't see my as 'marriage material' because he always wants me to be with him when he's with his family and he also tells me I'm family to him. Except of the family thing there isn't a thing in our relationship that isn't going well. We're making future travel plans together, I know all of his friends, we laugh and talk a lot etc. I think even if we were married and living together he would still want to see his family almost every day.
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Old 01-05-2014, 11:48 AM
 
Location: SoCal
148 posts, read 77,246 times
Reputation: 238
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
He's not ready for an adult relationship. End of story.
this
I feel really bad for you, but you need to dump him asap.
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