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As I was reading through the responses on the why you can't be with the love of your life thread, it occurred to me that in some cases, these people were really not the love of the poster's life -- they're just the person who made the biggest unforgivable/unforgettable impact.
And in some cases, they did some serious mental/emotional damage.
My question is a bit different. Who was the person -- the ex -- that affected you so profoundly that it changed you on a fundamental level -- made you less trusting, more guarded, more bitter, more easily disillusioned?
Who made you think you would never be able to love anyone else again in quite the same way?
If you've had this experience, how do you think it impacted the way you approach(ed) new relationships?
I had the opposite experience. It was because my ex-hub was a decent human being that I didn't come away bitter or afraid to love again. I can't see myself remarried, but that has more to do with what I learned about myself from being married, which is that I have a tremendous need for space and just do not like sharing living quarters with another human being, even one I love.
I, like others, loved and trusted my man like no other. I spent time learning about him so that I would know I had a good man. In the first 8 years, I couldn't have asked for more. As another person wrote, we both did things that were simply minor irritations, but I thought there was real love there. Through the years, I would tell him that I would always love him.
I guess I CHOSE (for a time) not to see what was beginning to happen, because I trusted him never to do that. When I started asking questions, I knew in my heart that he would give me a plausible explanation. That didn't happen.
After I left, I wanted him to show up, apologize, tell me how wrong he was and get down on one knee. So I was in denial. Grief will do that to a person.
It was a horrible experience. My word is good, I know my heart, and I think I will always love him. BUT, that experience has not made me bitter toward men. And I don't think it has "ruined it" for any future relationship.
What it has done is force me to learn about myself. It has caused me to be more cautious (which really isn't a BAD thing). However, I do wonder how to decide if a man is a good man or not. (Ask for opinions of friends and family I suppose. ??? )
As I was reading through the responses on the why you can't be with the love of your life thread, it occurred to me that in some cases, these people were really not the love of the poster's life -- they're just the person who made the biggest unforgivable/unforgettable impact.
And in some cases, they did some serious mental/emotional damage.
My question is a bit different. Who was the person -- the ex -- that affected you so profoundly that it changed you on a fundamental level -- made you less trusting, more guarded, more bitter, more easily disillusioned?
Who made you think you would never be able to love anyone else again in quite the same way?
If you've had this experience, how do you think it impacted the way you approach(ed) new relationships?
No one has had that impact on me... until now.
It is happening right now.
Something about the whole thing is making me quite uneasy.
I keep expecting her to "break my heart" and yet she is coming on strong.
Maybe I'm somehow just not used to the treatment. (I never really had the worst luck with women, but never exactly "the best" luck, although close I admit).
I'm very attracted to her.
I guess it just came out of left field.
Yeah, I think now's the time to see someone and get some help working through these issues.
I've been divorced once. After the divorce I was never "less trusting, more guarded, more bitter, more easily disillusioned." I was hopeful.
Same here. My ex didn't make me lose faith in men at all. I won't say it didn't effect me... I learned a lot about myself, how I see relationships, and learned from the mistakes I made that lead to divorce. Knowing my flaws and how they played in the downfall of my relationship (or in my case the sandy ground it was built on) gave me hope because it imparted a little more wisdom on me that will most likely make future relationships better.
I don't think its just having negative power over someone. A person can be too trusting, too giving... too something. And it takes one person to make them realize that maybe they should protect themselves more in order to not get hurt like that in the future.
This^^
I thought I really loved this girl in my twenties but she used my vulnerable state to use me.
There were flags but there was always the "too much trust."
Putting up my guards never helped later either. Someone will always burn you.
I honestly have not loved anyone full throttle. I have so much to give and yet I stay idle.
Ahhh, its been a helluva long time since my divorce/seperation, 7 years almost... the thing he did that was the clencher was so freakn unbeleivable...well, it made me angry, and still does...but I have some things that have helped me to cope, and I really HAVE used this time wisely, I've done a lot, I mean a lot of work on myself to get myself right...I learned that other people
1) Do whatever they are doing exactly the way they want to do them and how they do them, and it doesn't have anything to do with me
2) If what someone is saying and doing is hurting me, its good to warn them to stop, if they don't stop then they or I need to go
3) Its good to know exactly what I want out of something, if it isn't working for me, and its not going to, then its a good thing to let it go without thinking that I have to change it, some things just aren't meant to be
4)Love is a risk, but real love isn't...when you just give love without conditions, to everyone its a sweet payoff. You really grow...I'm not talking about Disney Princess fairytale love, I'm talking about compassion and kindness. If you think everyone coming into your life is your answer then you get dissapointed again and again, just let them be people coming into your life, treat them with platonic compassion and kindness while protecting your heart and mind from being ransacked. Just, let them go if they go, and if they prove themselves worthy, let them have the rest...
At this point, I have to say, the last part has been the hardest learned. I used to give my heart and soul without having a clearly defined set of rules about what they do to deserve that...of course I mean sex. If you give up the goods before you have some clearly understood and agreed upon definition of security, like marriage, or even just a monogamous long term relationship, then you are setting yourself up for hurt.
But take it with a grain of salt, you know how it works for YOU.
Aw man, the title of this thread was made for me....
I've never been the type that cared too much about "having to have a man" in my life. But apparently, when I fall for someone, I fall hard...which has only happened twice in my life: once at the naive age of 19, and surprisingly, again at the age of 32.
I dated this guy we'll call "John" for just shy of a year that I ended up falling head over heels for. Before dating him I'd dated another guy that didn't make it past 4-5 months or so (looking back, I was probably just infatuated with the guy because I remember how intensely I wanted him....but he refused to commit so I moved on to John). Anyways, around the 6 month mark, John and I had a 'talk' about where we stood, and I should have ended it then. He was surely not wanting to commit, and I was. However, against my better judgment, I continued to date him because he was attractive, intelligent, well spoken, had a similar sense of humor, kind/caring, on a similar spiritual path as myself and humble. On top of all of that, we could relate to each other....in ways neither he (according to him) nor I were able to relate to anyone else in the past. I'd never had chemistry like this with someone in my life...and he explicity expressed the same.
John was a true friend...for once in my life I felt I had met someone who could see me for me and vice versa. So I decided to "give it a little more time"...however what I should have done was acknowledged at the 6 month mark that I was quickly falling down that 4-letter slippery slope...
But he 'wanted us to continue to see each other'...so I did...and about a year into it I crashed and burned. I rarely date because, well, I just don't meet people often (at all) that interest me...it's just rare. So when I wasn't looking for love and it hit me, it really hit me hard with this man.
By the end of it, I experienced a slight bitterness I'd never felt before. I couldn't understand why someone would continue to 'date me' knowing they couldn't commit to me and that I wanted more...knowing that they were squeezing in time with other potentials that might better fit their relationship needs than me...all while taking me out amongst coworkers and friends and relatives. All while the bonds of intimacy where beginning to take their toll on me and my desire for more...all while I had decided to for once be open/vulnerable in the hopes that person wouldn't break my heart...
But he did break my heart. But not only was it John that broke my heart. My dad did the same thing to me when I was 13 and he told me "never to call him anymore" because he felt like all I did was call him for money. And so did my first boyfriend, whom I dated for 4 years and fell in love with, when I found out he'd been sleeping with other women while I was 'saving myself for him'. So did the family member that molested me. In other words, the situations I just described (along with another one I will not go into) have all played a role over the years in me building up a coping mechanism to protect myself from being hurt by men. So when John and I ended up not working, I had a slight breakdown. Went on antidepressive meds. Even moved out of state largely because of him. I literally had a reaction to our breakup from 3 years ago that has still affected me in some ways today because of the way my mind has been wired to react to rejection. Rejection by a man has become the biggest threat to my mental and emotional well-being. So if you were to ask of me, did he ruin it for others? The answer is "somewhat, yes".
It's hard for me to trust...it's hard for me to believe that men can and will commit and that I'm of enough worth for one to want to do that with me. Instead of being 'neutral' about being in a relationship, now I'm more against the thought of pursuing one...out of fear. I'm 35 years of age and to this day know way more men who engage in behavior that hurts women than not. I have even started to experience a disdain for black men...a dislike that makes me turn my head any time I see one noticing me. This did not used to be me, but it is now. Do I work on these issues? Of course I do. Will I ever be the same after what I went through with John? Of course not.
I'm so sorry, South. I can empathize with the emotional turmoil from past relationships. (((hugs))) I see you're in ATL. I used to live there. I miss it a lot.
I'm so sorry, South. I can empathize with the emotional turmoil from past relationships. (((hugs))) I see you're in ATL. I used to live there. I miss it a lot.
Thanks...I must say I have healed (and learned) a ton.
I'm not staying in my house as much, under the covers like I was when we first broke up...that was a very very dark time that I am happy to say I made it through...I came out of it a different person in the end. I moved out of Atlanta actually not too long after the above mentioned breakup.
I date from time to time now (nothing serious)...but I just stay guarded and don't allow myself to want what I used to want because.....well perhaps its just not meant for me is all. Some may call it baggage but at the end of the day, we are all shaped by our experiences in life, and learning to protect ourselves from pain is just part of the survival process, which I think is part of what I've been through.
I date from time to time now (nothing serious)...but I just stay guarded and don't allow myself to want what I used to want because.....well perhaps its just not meant for me is all. Some may call it baggage but at the end of the day, we are all shaped by our experiences in life, and learning to protect ourselves from pain is just part of the survival process, which I think is part of what I've been through.
Sometimes I think that's the safest way to play it. I used to want marriage, a happy-ever-after death-till-us-part relationship. Now I'm thinking that's not going to happen, because of me and no one else. I've been divorced before, and it was nothing like this. Both of us tried. And that in itself gave me closure.
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