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Wow again. I guess I came to the wrong forum. Sorry.
"Zak" is not a child and he's not stupid. He graduated at the top of his class in grad school.
As far as his exes are concerned I don't know too much other than that he's had 2 serious long term girlfriends. I have a feeling he hasn't really played around casually.
I'd just have an honest conversation with him and see how it goes. Up until now he has respected your wish to wait; now its only fair that he understand why you chose to wait with him and apparently not with some of your ex's. Just be honest with him. I'm surprised you didn't have a more thorough conversation about this until now if you have both been waiting over a year.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. After a long string of duds I found in him a guy who I love and who loves me back. We complement each other. We laugh together. We have really good times together.
Last Thursday night I stayed over at his condo. We shared a bottle of wine with dinner and were feeling fine.... Anyway, afterwards we got to talking about how we view the world similarly. We took turns listing examples of how our views are the same. At some point we got started on love and relationships. I said how we did our relationship right and he agreed. I then said that I was glad that we waited to get intimate. He jokingly wagged his finger at me and said that I was the longest he ever waited to have sex with. I said "me too." He added still laughing that the wait was like two or three times longer than he ever waited before with his exes. Again, I said "me too." So that was it for Thursday night.
When we were having breakfast on Friday before going to work, he brought up our conversation of the night before. His tone was way different than his usual happy confident self. He said that as far as waiting to have sex he waited because I told him that I wanted to wait and he respected me, not that he didn't want to way earlier. I said something like okaaay... He then added that I also said "me too" when he said that it took us two three times longer to get intimate than he had ever waited before.
So he concluded that I made him wait longer than I made any of my former boyfriends wait by "a country mile" as he put it. He got a weird look on his face and asked me if that was correct. I side stepped the question by saying that the past doesn't matter and that we should focus on today and on our future together.
He told me that he took that as a "yes" and that he was not cool with that at all. So we left his place in a kind of awkward silence. I called him at lunch to make plans for that night but he said that he didn't feel like getting together. He has NEVER said that before. He then also asked me if I had "played" him. I think I kind of paniced or something and said of course not and that I didn't know what he was talking about.
He said he feels like he was played by my "making him wait" when I didn't make my exes wait. He wanted to continue talking but I said we should talk about this stuff in person not on the phone. He said OK whatever and we hung up. He didn't call or text all weekend. I called him but he didn't pick up.
When I called him at work this morning he did pick up and we're going to get together after work. I just don't know how best to approach and handle this so I could really use some advise please.
Wow again. I guess I came to the wrong forum. Sorry.
"Zak" is not a child and he's not stupid. He graduated at the top of his class in grad school.
As far as his exes are concerned I don't know too much other than that he's had 2 serious long term girlfriends. I have a feeling he hasn't really played around casually.
Maybe you did. His reaction obviously concerned you, so some part of you knows he is not right for how he is acting. If he is a good guy, then let him prove it by letting this matter drop. He starting to sound like the sex you guys waited to have and are finally having is more valuable than the possibility of upsetting you or damaging the trust in the relationship.
I'd just have an honest conversation with him and see how it goes. Up until now he has respected your wish to wait; now its only fair that he understand why you chose to wait with him and apparently not with some of your ex's. Just be honest with him. I'm surprised you didn't have a more thorough conversation about this until now if you have both been waiting over a year.
^^This. Also you mentioned "side stepping" some of his concerns. Try to go back in and fill in those blanks for him so your avoidance does not allow him to fill in the blanks with whatever comes up in his head!
Just tell him why you waited longer with him. I'm assuming you saw going too fast as a mistake before and you just didn't want to repeat old mistakes, or something like that. Whatever it is, tell him.
But I would not go in to the convo believing I did something wrong. Don't let his pouting scare you into begging him to stay, or bending yourself over backwards to convince him you are worthy. You've been together a year and a half. At this point, this is beyond old news. Reassure his fears and expect he will handle this like a grown up. If he doesn't, he's not the great guy you thought he was.
Look at it this way... if you stay together long term, this won't be the first time you inadvertently hurt each other's feelings. Unless you want to set yourself up for a future of passive aggressive behavior every time your boyfriend feels wronged you need to put your foot down now. Address his concerns gently and respectfully, but don't let yourself get dragged into some craziness if he refuses to move on from this eventually.
So - you two have been together for a year and a half, barely discussed your pasts at all - and now he's feeling "played" because you made him wait? He never asked you about this at all and you never talked to him about your past? And a year and a half into things - he's upset? Wow. I guess this should be a lesson to all of us ladies that we should never make a guy wait. All the men on here are so right. We have been so wrong. We really can't make the "nice" guys wait while we jump into bed with the "bad" boys. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I mean, you have no way of knowing that this gets debated here all the time and that many people say that it doesn't matter. I guess it does.
This is why these types of conversations shouldn't happen. I'd rather not know about things my gf would have done, and I wouldn't want her to ask me. Ignorance is bliss in these situations.
When we were having breakfast on Friday before going to work, he brought up our conversation of the night before. His tone was way different than his usual happy confident self. He said that as far as waiting to have sex he waited because I told him that I wanted to wait and he respected me, not that he didn't want to way earlier. I said something like okaaay... He then added that I also said "me too" when he said that it took us two three times longer to get intimate than he had ever waited before.
So he concluded that I made him wait longer than I made any of my former boyfriends wait by "a country mile" as he put it. He got a weird look on his face and asked me if that was correct. I side stepped the question by saying that the past doesn't matter and that we should focus on today and on our future together.
The correct answer here, OP, is that you learned from your past experiences, so you knew it was best not to rush into anything. The relationship with your current bf was super-important to you, so you wanted to do things "right", so that's why you wanted to wait.
If he's going to be a jerk about this, maybe he's not the right guy for you after all. But let me ask you this: do you think you would have said "me, too" if you hadn't had a couple of glasses of wine in you? I'm blaming the whole thing on the "truth serum" you imbibed. But honestly, if he chooses to make a big issue out of this, and things fall apart between you two, I wouldn't cry over it, if I were you.
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