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According to the ASP, yes, they are the same type of people IRL. But they gravitate to OLD because it allows them to foster these notions of the "perfect mate." Most people who OLD will ditch a relationship as soon as the love interest shows flaws, or the relationship gets hard. That's why there is limited success for a lot of people.
What seems to be common is the amount of short term relationships I have seen. For every relationship that became a marriage I saw far more people date people for several months then break up. I'm reminded of a former coworker who was 40 and single and decided to do online dating. She met a childless never married man (she was also childless and never married) and she was so thrilled she met a great guy who liked the same things. Like her he was in great shape and athletic. A few months later she came to work in tears because this perfect man dumped her. She did eventually got married at 44 but the guy she met at work left a lot to be desired. He was a divorced man who was obese who was sloppy and unattractive while she was pretty and took care of herself. I think she married him because she was desperate and she struck out on online. We used to compare notes on the men we met online.
I think the exact same thing, for the most part. Newspaper and magazine articles tout OLD for people who are "too busy" to meet other people. Really? Too busy to interact with other human beings, ever --? On what planet does that happen? Look, I can be quite introverted at times, but I still get out a lot. And what kills me is that in these profiles, the OLD users bang on and on about having a great social life. Well, if that's so, why haven't they found someone yet? Obviously, there's something really "off" about that person that turns people off pretty instantly.
I agree Melissa. How can anyone be too busy to meet people IRL but can find all the time in the world to waste in front a computer?
If you live in any medium to large sized city and have a standard work schedule, you should at least have Friday and Saturday night to go out to the myriad of restaurants, bars, and clubs teeming with available singles. Then there are meetups, volunteering activities, events, festivals etc. I mean how can someone be lacking in options when there are so many better ways to meet people right at your doorstep?
I'm not completely discounting OLD, its just something that a lot of people rely on too heavily and have completely unrealistic expectations of what will come out of it.
If I were seeking something serious, I would use OLD as a very small supplement in my dating toolkit....and even then would never rush to meet someone right away. Too many weirdos and dangerous people out there to put yourself at risk over a chance at a connection.
What seems to be common is the amount of short term relationships I have seen. For every relationship that became a marriage I saw far more people date people for several months then break up. I'm reminded of a former coworker who was 40 and single and decided to do online dating. She met a childless never married man (she was also childless and never married) and she was so thrilled she met a great guy who liked the same things. Like her he was in great shape and athletic. A few months later she came to work in tears because this perfect man dumped her.
I have noticed the same thing among my friends, too. A handful met wonderful men through online dating sites, but just a handful. Most of my female friends go from one short-term relationship to another, and it doesn't seem to change the older they get.
Your friend's experience was also my experience, but I have no intention of dropping my standards just because OLD didn't work out for me. These are dudes on dating sites, for crying out loud. I don't mean to sound snarky, but I have dated novelists, journalists, film directors, academics/researchers, and CFOs. The type of guy I typically attract IRL would never be on one of these sites.
I've sworn it off without starting it. First, because I honestly find it strange. I know this might offend some, but I think trying to meet people online to "date" is very strange. It's just a reminder, in my eyes, of what I believe is wrong with the direction society is going in. The process of sorting through profiles(which might I add, are most likely falsely done--whether it's a job detail, the way the person looks, or omitting something) and trying to meet the "best" person just rubs me the wrong way. I do sort of feel like in a sense, it's a desperate move, or a move that would at least make ME feel like something was "wrong" with me for not meeting men in person. It's the same reason why I don't join meet-up and other groups that are online based--from the people I've known that have done either the results have always honestly been weird. When my mom was alive she tried meet-up and everytime she came back from a different meet-up, when she would talk about it, and the people that were in these meet-up events, they were often honestly weird. Physically speaking and in terms of how they acted. The same when she dated from OL. Though, I will admit, I know a couple of people who after SERIES and SERIES of trying have actually met someone from OLD. It just seems like more people are playing the numbers game. And there are those who get lucky. The same thing applies when you take the time to meet people in person... It's the same numbers game, it's just that you actually get to know and get a feel of what you're getting yourself into early on. It's much more difficult to misrepresent how you look physically, occupation, etc--when you've met that person and got to know them prior to going on a date and wasting your time.
I also believe that OLD requires you to focus on the act of dating, and trying to find the one--which as we all know, can lead to frustration and disappointment since your concentrating on it. Whereas not using it, and just going with the flow of life, and putting yourself out there, but not putting the same amount of focus on it, can result in you meeting "people" much easier. I've always found that I've met men, when I wasn't trying to, or was preoccupied with life and just doing me. Whereas when I made a concentrated effort or focus, it was just disappointment after disappointment.
I've never had an issue meeting a man that meets my physical standards and occupational standards IRL. The issue I have is meeting men that meet me emotionally... And I don't think OLD would be a good way to evaluate that. So I'll still stick with traditionally meeting men.
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I have noticed the same thing among my friends, too. A handful met wonderful men through online dating sites, but just a handful. Most of my female friends go from one short-term relationship to another, and it doesn't seem to change the older they get.
Your friend's experience was also my experience, but I have no intention of dropping my standards just because OLD didn't work out for me. These are dudes on dating sites, for crying out loud. I don't mean to sound snarky, but I have dated novelists, journalists, film directors, academics/researchers, and CFOs. The type of guy I typically attract IRL would never be on one of these sites.
I agree. Let's be real, the type of guy that is my physical and occupational match wouldn't need to be online trying to find a date. In the same sense since I know I'm attractive and have no issue meeting men and being pursued, I don't need to be online trying to meet someone either.
When I'm feeling like I really want to date, I go to the mall or various "places" and my ego is immediately stroked lol.
I understand that some people do struggle meeting people IRL or are simply too busy to take the time to meet others IRL. I am busy as heck these days, and I admit that's probably somewhat an issue of mine, but then again I'm busy and I'm not really focused on dating right now.
I'll never do OLD again. I'm what most would call "undesirable", that is, I'm short and black (yes, that's a big negative in dating). It becomes tiresome when you, in the duration of 5 years, write literally hundreds of MEANINGFUL messages with about an .5% response rate. Yeah, I've had dates and a couple of short term relationships from it, but even just getting these dates were a nearly impossible task.
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Originally Posted by flathead4
I think people's expectations on dating sites are why you see so many of those who brag that they travel to Tibet on the weekend and save poor orphans on Wednesday nights in their profiles. Everyone feels they have to "Keep up with the Jones's" just to have a shot.
This is especially true with the transplant, hipster type of women around here. Just about every profile consists of their 2543 pictures of trips around the world. Combine that with statements like "I have a quirky personality...I love to laugh...I'm known to frequent the bars on weekends...etc." and you have the typical profile in my area (most matches were with women in Brooklyn when I was on OKC and POF).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703
According to the ASP, yes, they are the same type of people IRL. But they gravitate to OLD because it allows them to foster these notions of the "perfect mate." Most people who OLD will ditch a relationship as soon as the love interest shows flaws, or the relationship gets hard. That's why there is limited success for a lot of people.
See, this is where the problem lies. OLD is similar to Autotrader; like a car, someone can pick/choose what features they want in their mate. Instead of being open-minded to other possibilities, a lot of people have a set list of preferences in their minds that they refuse to change. Others may deviate slightly. Now think about it: when you have a great deal of people vying for the same types (i.e. taller men, thin women), it should be no wonder that dating is hard. People are, generally speaking, competing for the same types. I'm sure it's rare for a "desirable" on OLD to want to stay with someone, or be faithful, when they can quickly find someone else instantly at the click of a mouse.
Moreover as stated above, some people tend to run out when the relationship becomes too hard or they're bored. "On to the next one" is the attitude. Since OLD and social media made it really easy for people to meet, there seems to be little reason to tough it out with the current SO.
It's just a reminder, in my eyes, of what I believe is wrong with the direction society is going in. The process of sorting through profiles(which might I add, are most likely falsely done--whether it's a job detail, the way the person looks, or omitting something) and trying to meet the "best" person just rubs me the wrong way. I do sort of feel like in a sense, it's a desperate move, or a move that would at least make ME feel like something was "wrong" with me for not meeting men in person.
I find that off-putting too, Faith. "I'm unique! Just like the rest of the women on this site!" No. Doesn't work for me. I always felt weird at the thought of total strangers reading what I had written on my profile. Not that it was highly personal stuff, but my photograph was up there, as well as my occupation and what I feel was pretty much my personal "essence." I felt like I was in the middle of a bar screaming, "Hey, pick me! Pick me!" Self-perception is everything, and if you put yourself up with the rest of the human meat, that's how you'll perceive yourself. I'm not an item on a shelf.
I'm sure it's rare for a "desirable" on OLD to want to stay with someone, or be faithful, when they can quickly find someone else instantly at the click of a mouse.
Moreover as stated above, some people tend to run out when the relationship becomes too hard or they're bored. "On to the next one" is the attitude. Since OLD and social media made it really easy for people to meet, there seems to be little reason to tough it out with the current SO.
I'm a "desirable" and certainly don't have a disposable-partner mentality at all. When I'm in a relationship, I'm in it. One relationship ended not because I got bored or because he was a douchebag, rather, he wasn't "ready" to blend families (the work involved). I ended things with one man after dating briefly because he was not in a good place. His mom passed away the week we started dating and I started to notice huge divergences in religious beliefs. He was all over the place at times, but as I dug deeper I discovered he still clung to ideas and beliefs that don't sit right with me. And he struggled with intimacy. He was actually a really great, handsome and brilliant guy. We just weren't compatible overall.
Another, well, we were very compatible, but he was over stressed from work and an upcoming deployment, his first, and wasn't sure about doing long distance during his deployment.
I have come across sketchy and douchey people, sure. The same can be said for a number of "traditional" methods for picking people up (concert, club, bar, gym -- do people do that?) I don't need online dating, but the kind of people I like, my type, it's just a more efficient method. The likelihood I'm going to run into an attractive nerd/geek, intellectual, artistic, Humanist (atheist, agnostic, pantheist, deist), gamer, liberal, hedonist/kinkster, cinephile, super affectionate, hopeless romantic-guy between 35-43 who is open to dating a woman with kids, at Whole Foods Market, the bank, the park, movie theater, sushi restaurant, or any other random place, is slim to none. However, I've met many who meet many of the above preferences via online. And I sure as hell would not have ran into this type when I lived in the South. Randomly bumping into an atheist in the South!? That's laughable. There are actually far more attractive well-to-do men than my type, which has very little to do with GQ model looks, status or high income.
the purported "algorithms" these sites use don't match people based on the two key things needed for a successful LT relationship: a person's ability to communicate effectively and how well he or she responds to stressful relationship situations.
I agree that online-dating algorithms are silly and misallocate priorities. What are the most important points of compatibility? What I call the "big 3": whether to have children, or not; religious practice, or not; and attitude towards money (spending vs. investing).
Ability to communicate effectively, and robustly responding to stressful situations, are positive traits. They're not marks of compatibility. What about people who aren’t blessed with impeccable communication skills? Should they eschew relationships? What about people who are nervous, who freeze or panic when stressed? Should they be excluded from the dating pool?
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Originally Posted by Melissa78703
...Men who had personality quirks and communication difficulties that made it easy for me to ascertain why they hadn't had any success IRL. I'm not criticizing, BTW. People have emotional needs, and these guys were just trying to get theirs met.
Isn't the whole purpose of relationships, ultimately, the meeting of emotional needs? I wouldn't wish to date a woman who doesn't have profound emotional needs that need to be met. If she lacks such needs, she doesn't need me. She might need a hiking companion or buddy for occasional sex, but she does not need a relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by go-getta-J
How can anyone be too busy to meet people IRL but can find all the time in the world to waste in front a computer?
The answer is very simple. Some of us work in office or lab environments. We’re mostly alone in our offices, constantly in front of a computer… or in meeting, where again everyone is staring into their respective laptop. We’re not always working, but are nearly always at work, including evenings and weekends. It’s entirely possible to sneak a casual glance at a dating site, or even this forum, every half hour. For how long can one concentrate on reviewing a report, or watching some laboratory experiment? Experiments take many hours to set up, again with the computer (or several computers) crunching calculations or monitoring some piece of equipment. Online dating fills the time. Not only is it an opportunity to connect with the outside world, to engage with people completely outside of one’s social milieu; it’s quite literally a welcome break in the daily drudgery.
Quote:
Originally Posted by go-getta-J
If you live in any medium to large sized city and have a standard work schedule, you should at least have Friday and Saturday night to go out to the myriad of restaurants, bars, and clubs teeming with available singles.
Yes, but if one lives in the tundra and has the work-schedule of a medical intern, both options are vitiated. Online dating allows for meeting of people in other locales, people who are simply unavailable at the local bar or restaurant.
Last edited by ohio_peasant; 01-24-2014 at 07:21 PM..
I'm a "desirable" and certainly don't have a disposable-partner mentality at all. When I'm in a relationship, I'm in it. One relationship ended not because I got bored or because he was a douchebag, rather, he wasn't "ready" to blend families (the work involved). I ended things with one man after dating briefly because he was not in a good place. His mom passed away the week we started dating and I started to notice huge divergences in religious beliefs. He was all over the place at times, but as I dug deeper I discovered he still clung to ideas and beliefs that don't sit right with me. And he struggled with intimacy. He was actually a really great, handsome and brilliant guy. We just weren't compatible overall.
Another, well, we were very compatible, but he was over stressed from work and an upcoming deployment, his first, and wasn't sure about doing long distance during his deployment.
I have come across sketchy and douchey people, sure. The same can be said for a number place "traditional" methods for picking people up (concert, club, bar, gym -- do people do that?) I don't need online dating, but the kind of people I like, my type, it's just a more efficient method. The likelihood I'm going to run into an attractive nerd/geek, intellectual, artistic, Humanist (atheist, agnostic, pantheist, deist), gamer, liberal, hedonist/kinkster, cinephile, super affectionate, hopeless romantic-guy between 35-43 who is open to dating a woman with kids, at Whole Foods Market, the bank, the park, movie theater, sushi restaurant, or any other random place, is slim to none. However, I've met many who meet many of the above preferences via online. And I sure as hell would not have ran into this type when I lived in the South. Randomly bumping into an atheist in the South!? That's laughable. There are actually far more attractive well-to-do men than my type, which has very little to do with GQ model looks, status or high income.
Good point. I didn't consider this--that some people use OLD to find what is much more difficult to find in there daily life.. I guess from that perspective then yes OLD is more efficient. My type, does not seem to use OLD that often, most of the time they haven't needed to because they frequently meet and date women that they meet when they are out.
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