What the Hard Work of Marriage Looks Like (dating, how to, women)

[Thursday007]

What the Hard Work of Marriage Looks Like

A good article on the practical aspects of what it takes to work on a successful marriage.

What The Hard Work Of Marriage Looks Like
Marriage is a different kind of work -- a kind of work that happens ALONGSIDE the regular life work of your job, caring for your family, making ends meet, and so on.


What The Hard Work Of Marriage Looks Like | Clint Edwards

[Metaphysique]

I agree with it!

[Skydive Outlaw]

Which is why a lot of people are choosing not to get married, but simply cohabitating together (often including buying a house together) and despite being 'together': whatever the hell that means, maintaining lives (financially and even emotionally) outside of the parameters of the relationship.

It enables both partners to feel like they are 'in love' and 'committed' without any real or genuine amount of intimacy and exclusivity. Always keeping alternate and potential options open at any point in time, and enjoying their freedom outside of what would have been a marriage although with some of the benefits of being in a long term relationship that mimics qualities that a marriage would have.

It is possible that those relationships actually last longer in terms of time: although they lack the core foundation of a marriage which would include emotional intimacy and physical exclusivity - two things that take a lot of effort and work to maintain.

Marriage as a concept and practical way of being with another person has become an institution for people that find a person and subconsciously assume that they are never going to be able to secure better than that person, so they resign to getting married and enduring every aspect of what the union demands. Actual love in it's purest form does not exist anymore: human beings have become so narcissistic and self absorbed that they lack the emotional and psychological tools required to be married long term and/or stay married and also be happy without ignoring the obvious: which is that love is an illusion, monogamy is a myth and that nobody is going to care or love you more than yourself and as an individual, you are the sole creator and maintainer of your emotional well being and contentment. Attempting to find that within another is a futile journey and one that ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.


Peace. . . .

Sky-O

[krieger00]

1. Regularly express to her that you need and value her.
2. Do things that make you laugh together.
3. Compliment her for her special qualities and be specific.
4. Put your arms around her when she needs comfort.
5. Speak respectfully, don’t demean her or hurt her feelings.
6. Give her time to be with her friends.
7. Take regular walks hand-in-hand.
8. Be enthusiastic over things that she’s excited about.
9. Do something you think she wants done before she asks.
10. Discuss changes with her first before you make them.
11. Show interest in the relationship and the things she values.
12. Allow her to teach you things without being defensive.
13. Let go of the small stuff.
14. Be a good listener and value what she says.
15. Get away from the routine to spend time together.
16. Go shopping with her without watching the clock.
17. Make her breakfast and clean up afterward.
18. Set specific relationship goals to achieve together.
19. Act like you are partners in all areas life.
20. Don’t take her for granted, always be polite.
21. Admit your mistakes, and ask for forgiveness.
22. Defend her to others, especially to your family.
23. Don’t belittle her intelligence.
24. Scratch her back, rub her feet, and massage her neck.
25. Be especially helpful when she is not feeling well.
26. When she asks how your day went, give her details.
27. Never argue over money, it will damage your relationship.
28. Don’t embarrass her in front of others.
29. Make eye contact when the two of you are talking.
30. Show that you prefer her company over all others.
31. Give her your full attention whenever possible.
32. When she expresses her feelings listen with your heart.
33. Never flirt with another woman.
34. Brag about her and your relationship to others.
35. Surprise her with a card and flowers.
36. Call her when you know you are going to be late.
37. Give her your undivided attention when she’s talking.
38. Never compare her unfavorably with others.
39. Take care of yourself, It shows you care.
40. Be supportive. Help her to achieve her goals.
41. Run errands without complaining.
42. Sit close to her, even when you’re just watching TV.
43. Include her when you make plans.
44. Do things that make her feel cherished as a woman.
45. Build trust into your relationship.
46. Surprise her with a 15+ second kiss.
47. Stay in good of shape so she’s proud to be with you.
48. Be kinder to her than you are to strangers.
49. Make sure she feels valued above everyone else.
50. Continue to court her and date her.
51. Show affection for her in front of friends.
52. Hold her close when she is hurt or discouraged.
53. Surprise her with an unexpected gift.
54. Don’t forget to hold her hand in public.
55. Honor her and support her dignity.
56. Don’t dishonor her by eyeballing other women.
57. Fix dinner for her sometimes.
58. Be sympathetic when she’s feeling down.
59. Don’t ignore the small things that bother her.
60. Do things around the house that she wants done.
61. Tell her and show her that you love her every day.
62. When you’re away call or email often.
63. Show her affection without sexual intentions.
64. Show her affection with sexual intentions.

Relationships that Make Her Feel Special

[cpg35223]

I kind of reject the notion that marriage is hard work. It's one of those things that people say without thinking about it.

Digging a ditch is hard work. Working on an assembly line is hard work. But the business of marriage isn't work.

Rather it is the work of maintaining a frame of mind. Namely, put the needs of your S/O on par with your own, and put the needs of the relationship above either of yours. And do this day after day until it's second nature. In that sense, it's no more hard work than learning how to play a musical instrument or eating right. It's a matter of instilling in yourself the mental discipline to remain dedicated every day and not succumb to the temptations of things that keep you from doing precisely that.

That's it. Sometimes it's not easy when the money it tight and the kids are wearing you out. But if you stick with it, it's way more rewarding. I've been married 23 years. We didn't have beans for money, but we both worked hard, paid attention to one another, had three kids and have never forgotten that we are the most important thing in each other's lives. So now, a scant three years from being empty nesters, we look at what we've done together and are kind of amazed. In many ways it was challenging, but it many other ways it was effortless.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Skydive Outlaw

Which is why a lot of people are choosing not to get married, but simply cohabitating together (often including buying a house together) and despite being 'together': whatever the hell that means, maintaining lives (financially and even emotionally) outside of the parameters of the relationship.

It enables both partners to feel like they are 'in love' and 'committed' without any real or genuine amount of intimacy and exclusivity. Always keeping alternate and potential options open at any point in time, and enjoying their freedom outside of what would have been a marriage although with some of the benefits of being in a long term relationship that mimics qualities that a marriage would have.

It is possible that those relationships actually last longer in terms of time: although they lack the core foundation of a marriage which would include emotional intimacy and physical exclusivity - two things that take a lot of effort and work to maintain.

Marriage as a concept and practical way of being with another person has become an institution for people that find a person and subconsciously assume that they are never going to be able to secure better than that person, so they resign to getting married and enduring every aspect of what the union demands. Actual love in it's purest form does not exist anymore: human beings have become so narcissistic and self absorbed that they lack the emotional and psychological tools required to be married long term and/or stay married and also be happy without ignoring the obvious: which is that love is an illusion, monogamy is a myth and that nobody is going to care or love you more than yourself and as an individual, you are the sole creator and maintainer of your emotional well being and contentment. Attempting to find that within another is a futile journey and one that ultimately leads to disappointment and despair.


Peace. . . .

Sky-O

This is shallow, self-justifying caca.

[Metaphysique]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

I kind of reject the notion that marriage is hard work. It's one of those things that people say without thinking about it.

Digging a ditch is hard work. Working on an assembly line is hard work. But the business of marriage isn't work.

Rather it is the work of maintaining a frame of mind. Namely, put the needs of your S/O on par with your own, and put the needs of the relationship above either of yours. And do this day after day until it's second nature. In that sense, it's no more hard work than learning how to play a musical instrument or eating right. It's a matter of instilling in yourself the mental discipline to remain dedicated every day and not succumb to the temptations of things that keep you from doing precisely that.

That's it. Sometimes it's not easy when the money it tight and the kids are wearing you out. But if you stick with it, it's way more rewarding. I've been married 23 years. We didn't have beans for money, but we both worked hard, paid attention to one another, had three kids and have never forgotten that we are the most important thing in each other's lives. So now, a scant three years from being empty nesters, we look at what we've done together and are kind of amazed. In many ways it was challenging, but it many other ways it was effortless.

I do understand and agree with your sentiments.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

I kind of reject the notion that marriage is hard work. It's one of those things that people say without thinking about it.
.

I'm kinda on the fence about this, but probably bottom line would agree with your sentiments.

I think the problem is too many people don't THINK about what is needed to make a marriage work, and a lot of it is compromising and not getting your way. If they go into it thinking Disney, butterflies and rainbows I think they get sorely disappointed.

If you do not inherently come into marriage with the mindset of being concerned for your partner's happiness equal to your own, I think your in for a bumpy ride.

Marriages need both partners to put effort into themselves, the other partner, kids and the marriage. It can be a labor of love, but I think it is work also.

[srjth]

I am of the opinion that if both people's main goal is to try to make the other happy, then they both end up happy. It's not that hard if you do that.

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

I kind of reject the notion that marriage is hard work. It's one of those things that people say without thinking about it.

Digging a ditch is hard work. Working on an assembly line is hard work. But the business of marriage isn't work.

Rather it is the work of maintaining a frame of mind. Namely, put the needs of your S/O on par with your own, and put the needs of the relationship above either of yours. And do this day after day until it's second nature. In that sense, it's no more hard work than learning how to play a musical instrument or eating right. It's a matter of instilling in yourself the mental discipline to remain dedicated every day and not succumb to the temptations of things that keep you from doing precisely that.

That's it. Sometimes it's not easy when the money it tight and the kids are wearing you out. But if you stick with it, it's way more rewarding. I've been married 23 years. We didn't have beans for money, but we both worked hard, paid attention to one another, had three kids and have never forgotten that we are the most important thing in each other's lives. So now, a scant three years from being empty nesters, we look at what we've done together and are kind of amazed. In many ways it was challenging, but it many other ways it was effortless.

I agree with you. To me, marriage requires effort as opposed to it being hard work. The effort required to get a date, develop a dating relationship and get married, does not stop on the wedding day. You're never finished making an effort. And as you indicated, if you put in that effort regularly, it becomes effortless.

In marriage, you are joining your lives as one unit, but you are still two individuals. In a healthy marriage, you need to operate for the greater good of your marriage, not yourselves individually, and your spouse should be your ally not your adversary.