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I think you should cool it with this guy for a while....why are you flying to see him all the time.? Does he ever come to you? Does he offer to pay your way? does he take you to dinner? Maybe his bad luck with women was caused by his behavior? If your so called relationship is what you think it may be, why is it a secret? I think there are a lot of red flags that you are just refusing to see....I'm sorry to be so blunt but why not start dating some others and see the difference. Don't be so available to this "friend with benefits" been there done that...it doesn't work...there is always one person who wants more...and in this case its you. Good Luck
ooh, I missed that the first time around. That is definitely a red flag. That, combined with everything else, -- I'd be outa there, OP. "Very special to me" is just a line, a very vague type of statement. He's just not as into you as you are into him, fact. It's not about him being busy w/his shop, or about his past hurt (8 (count 'em, VIII) years ago!), etc.
Anyway, you could simply stop flying out there for a couple of months to see if you get a reaction, any reaction at all. That should tell you all you need to know.
Anyway, you could simply stop flying out there for a couple of months to see if you get a reaction, any reaction at all. That should tell you all you need to know.
Why should she play what amounts to games??
Like I and others have said, simply communicate with him.
Express her desires and if doesn't like it, then she should communicate her disatification and follow up with expressing that she's moving forward in her life. Put the ball in his court to force him to make a move either way.
Both parties aren't spring chickens, time is precious.
Let's not play the "wait a couple of months game" and see what happens
Long distance is hard when the relationship is solid. When you compound physical distance with emotional distance, there is no relationship.
I've read some of your past posts. You were married to a man who didn't sleep with you for 10 years, drove you into debt, and is gay....yet in a recent post you said you would probably still be with him if he hadn't left you. It seems as though you may not really know how good it feels to have a man love you - and I mean really love you. Don't deny yourself that feeling just because you don't want to hurt his.
I feel you deserve much more. You deserve a good man who loves you, a man who will cherish you, respect you, communicate with you, your lover & best friend. He is out there...
Stop reading He's just not into you. Important to have a good perspective about things and this doesn't help. People don't always act according to how a book says they should.
Sorry but he isn't all that into you. If he were, he would want to "lock things down" so to speak to ensure you don't get snagged by a local man. He does not fear losing you at all. I think you know this, and it is why you are trying to convince yourself that he is "wishy washy" about commitment. He isn't wishy washy at all, as you noted he was married, which by definition means he is capable of committing to whatever is his ideal of the right woman. You should start dating other people right away if you are relationship minded.
The combination of the open endedness, secrecy, and not feeling like I am a priority makes me feel like I am just not good enough for him and that's why he’s keeping his options open. I think if we were exclusive and agreed to it... or we were openly dating, I wouldn't have an issue. It's the combination. I used to feel that we had something special... but not so much anymore. I am spending a lot of time (and money traveling) as well as emotional investment on a "maybe."In the meantime, there are plenty of men right where I live. Heck, this past weekend I was asked out by a man in my neighborhood. If I started trying... I bet I could easily start dating again.
My one reservation… I don’t want to hurt my old friend; especially considering his poor history with women and love.
EEEERRRRRRRT! Back up a sec.
He has no problem with you feeling like you are not a priority to him and are just not good enough for him, but you're worried about hurting his feelings?
I don't care if he lives next-door to you, never mind that you are the only one spending the time and money going back and forth. He's just not that into you. Go forth and date.
I have always enjoyed your comments, Jilla,and you generally have mature perspectives, and all sorts of other good things about your posts.
I was impressed with the perspectives offered by the other people here, somtimes CD people are wise.
I want to let you know that I understand those feelings of wanting things to work, and giving it plenty of opportunities like you have, well, you've had lots of time to see how it was going to work, you can see very well, if you re read through all this you'll see it again.
I wish you peace and healing Jilla, its hard, but you can do it...life is full of unexplored opportunities, and you are just getting started!
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