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i was with a guy five and half years, and about a month ago he broke up with me. he said he needs time to figure himself out and that he hasn't been happy with himself and he can't make me happy if he's not happy. There is NO OTHER GIRLS 100% for sure. i assumed he wouldn't talk to me but almost everyday since he has texted or called me to see how i am, what im doing who im with. he has shown up to places i go. he has asked to see me a couple of times, just to go and eat and chit chat, he has invited himself to places im going like concerts if i say i have two tickets and none to go with. this was not a mutal breakup, i didn't want it. i am very confused as to what is going on. if he wanted space why keep contacting me?
there are so many instances where i am confused as to what is going on. there have been times that he has let it slip that he does miss me, but wants to be on his own. he loves me in a way but will never specify it. he has said he knows hes going to regret this breakup but does that mean he does? he has said mean things to me like " its just stress to talk to you and we aren't even dating, im not talking to you anymore i don't care how you feel" only to talk to me immediatly the next day like nothing has happened. he has tried to kiss me only to back away akwardly like it was an accident. i have asked multiple times what is going on only to get anger or no reply. i have asked why he keeps talking to me if theres nothing there. the answer i get is " im just being nice" i have expressed multiple times this is not nice and its making me feel worse. but he still does it. he wanted to remain friends, and i have told him multiple times, i don't feel i can be his friend, i love him more than anything and i can't just be his friend and that i don't think i can talk to him anymore, this all gets ignored and he continues to talk to me like nothing has been said. if i don't reply to him he gets mad like im the bad guy. i honestly don't know wether he still cares about me or hates me.
yesterday he asked " why can't you respond to me, when i text or call it either takes you forever to write or answer like your ignoring me?" and i kind of lost it. i basically said what do you expect from me? i love you more than anything ,would do anything for you, and you dump me and think everything is just going to be ok like nothings changed. i have told you multiple times i cant just be your friend and i don't know what to say to you what do you expect from me? of course he got mad and it turned into a fight about an issue he couldn't get over in the relationship no matter how hard i tried to make it better or to please him. the issue was when i first met him i was talking to a couple other guys at the time ( what i thought simple dating was nothing serious), and he feels he was never my first choice, even though i chose him. he has never forgiven me for trying to date other people when i was also trying to get to know him. i can't take it back even though i wish i could, and most days i wish i was dead for making him feel that way, but i have tried all that hes asked of to make it better and he still can't move on from it, its been five and half years what am i supposed to do?
i feel like a complete idiot. i don't know if he loves me ,misses me, wants me back, or simply hates me and is trying to torture me. i honestly thought even with our problems the good out weighed the bad. i could tell him anything and everything and he understood me. we just fit together in almost every way possible in our intrests, thoughts, feeling. i could never get enough time with him, i thought we would be together forever.i honestly thought he was my soulmate, i was completely myself with him and thats never been the case before. we were engaged but not planning anything, there was no rush with either of us. i want nothing more than to be with him, he made me completely happy, and i felt whole with him and all my problems faded when i was with him, and this is why i feel like a complete idiot.even all our friends and family are completely shocked that he dumped me and thought we were perfect for each other, and they all think its temporary, but is it? since breaking up i feel like the last five years was nothing but a lie, that i didn't mean anything to him, that he has been prentending this whole time, but i don't know becuz he wont tell me how he really feels. i just want him back...i don't care if it makes me look weak and i would do anything for him. im so sad and depressed i can't go a day without thinking about him and wondering whats going on and if he will come back. i don't know what to do or think, im lost and just want to know if he will come back or what hes thinking. if he wants absolutly nothing to do with me then i wish he would tell me that instead of sending all these mixed signals and torturing me.
this isn't high school drama either we are both adults hes thirty and im twenty five, even though there are things that may seem childish and immature i cant help how i feel about him. people keep telling me to move on and ignore him, but its hard when you love someone completely. people tell me it gets easy as time goes by, but for me it seems to get worse. can anyone please help me without being mean, i already feel stupid enough for still caring about him the way i do.
It cannot get easier over time while he still cruelly contacts you every freaking day.
Tell him to stop contacting you so he can "figure himself out."
Tell him you do not appreciate his disregard for your feelings, and that since he broke up with you, you are NOT interested in counseling HIM through the break-up.
“Finding oneself” is likely a euphemism for the belief that one could find a “better” partner (more attractive, more established in life, etc.). This could come from ennui in a long relationship, especially if the partners are young. Maybe there’s more out there? Maybe there are adventures to be tried, before reaching the staid and methodical phase of life? There’s nothing necessarily wrong with the relationship. It’s just… impeding alternatives that now suddenly seem to be so appealing… except that, on further reflection, maybe (a) those alternatives are illusory, and (b) the OP’s former boyfriend didn’t realize how irksome the solitary life really is? It’s possible that he genuinely regrets his initiating the breakup, but lacks the gumption to admit his mistake and to ask for forgiveness.
Rash moves do deserve criticism, but not relentless opprobrium. 5 years together are no easily dismissed or neatly filed on the shelf of “experiences”.
I’m a strong adherent of giving people another chance, even if they seemingly don’t deserve this. The basic fallibility of Man implies a need to accommodate wherever possible, except of course when compromising one’s own safety, dignity and mental health. Why not pose this ultimatum: “Are we a couple, or aren’t we?” Meet with him, sit across the table from him, and pose this question in no uncertain terms. Either there is reunion, or comprehensive severing of ties.
It cannot get easier over time while he still cruelly contacts you every freaking day.
Tell him to stop contacting you so he can "figure himself out."
Tell him you do not appreciate his disregard for your feelings, and that since he broke up with you, you are NOT interested in counseling HIM through the break-up.
He cannot have it both ways unless you let him.
Alll of this. I agree with. He can't have his cake and eat it to. If he couldn't "find himself" with you he needs to stop contacting you and start actually trying.
Sounds to me like he got overwhelmed. Maybe wanted to see what else was in the waters. Which sometimes is a good thing, he could come back and appreciate you 20X more than he had before. But don't wait around forever. IMO
thank you for the advice. to adhom, yes it is similiar to what i already posted but things keep happening and changing with the situation i was trying to elaborate a little more for detail. please keep the advice coming.
He wants his cake and eat it too. He gave you the ol' "It's not you, it's me" spiel, now he's stringing you along because it's an ego boost for him to have someone sitting by the phone pining for him.
He's using you. At best you're a back up plan. Something for him to fall back on.
Shock him by telling him to go %^&* himself. It'll be good for your ego.
im trying to move on, but its like he won't let me. i posted something on my fb and he flipped the handle becasue he thought it had something to do with some other guy ?( whihc is was actaully about him) 1. there is no other guy 2. he left me what could he say if there was someone else? its like anytime i do try to change and move on hes right there with something confusing to say. he called last night and began the fight again about the past, only this time it actually seemed like he was getting to resolution and we were working through to find a soultion and he was about to act like he wanted me back, but then stopped. i want to help i really do, and i want to be there but jeez what am i supposed to do. if i stop talking completely, im the jerk but if i try to stick it out and help im an idiot and weak with no backbone. its loose loose for me.
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