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I think people really need to remember this. There are tons of married people out there that are incredibly lonely. Being married does not mean it is a successful relationship. Being in a relationship and feeling alone is FAR worse than not being in one and feeling alone. There is no comparison.
On the converse, there are loads of people not in marriages or committed relationships and they are never lonely and lead full and active social lives.
They really are two (or three) very different things.
well, while I agree with you, there is no going there with today's society. People have become so individualistic, they have forgotten about awareness....most people don't even know what awareness is, and also, have become so totally unaware, they don't realize, how everything they do, think act and say affect so many other lives....
When I'm eating out, or I waitressed for a living, could not believe the couples who came in for dinner, and never say a word to each other, let alone look at each other and smile....they are miserable....
Granted, there are some happy marriages, but the majority of them, "think" they are happy b/c their spouse says so.
When I tried to talk to my husband of how lonely I felt, he said, "we have no problems!" then to find out, he was hunting and fishing going on expensive trips, while I had a path to the grocery store, and work. Nothing more, for 14 years....then he marries the woman he was running around with and takes her to Alaska salmon fishing. I went fishing with him a few times, and he had to tell me where to stand, what lours to use, etc....no thank you....
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
well, while I agree with you, there is no going there with today's society. People have become so individualistic, they have forgotten about awareness....most people don't even know what awareness is, and also, have become so totally unaware, they don't realize, how everything they do, think act and say affect so many other lives....
When I'm eating out, or I waitressed for a living, could not believe the couples who came in for dinner, and never say a word to each other, let alone look at each other and smile....they are miserable....
Granted, there are some happy marriages, but the majority of them, "think" they are happy b/c their spouse says so.
When I tried to talk to my husband of how lonely I felt, he said, "we have no problems!" then to find out, he was hunting and fishing going on expensive trips, while I had a path to the grocery store, and work. Nothing more, for 14 years....then he marries the woman he was running around with and takes her to Alaska salmon fishing. I went fishing with him a few times, and he had to tell me where to stand, what lours to use, etc....no thank you....
See, I think it is changing though. Yes, there is a huge lack of self awareness that is rampant today. But, perhaps it is where I live and have lived (rather liberal/progressive highly educated cities) but there are more and more people that don't seek out marriage as an ideal and are happy well into their 30s and 40s and beyond with their urban tribes. They have rich social lives, great relationships, lovers, friends, community etc without marriage. And yes, while there are good marriages, many of them seem to be along the lines "everything is fine, we're not fighting" type of things. That's depressing!
Mainly number 2 is my issue. I almost never like anyone back and if I do like someone, something always conveniently gets in the way and things never progress pass a certain point.
I don't think I won't ever date or get a boyfriend....but if I do it probably won't happen any time soon, maybe when I am older...
This bugs me sometimes, but I am working on it. I agree with some of the other things you mentioned are a few my problems too.
You just haven't found the right guy, yet, is all. I think, you should work on your trust issues with men; not all of us are after your virginity, Aurliea. Lol
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
boy this post really makes me angry....
I love being alone, I'm alone but not lonely
I've been alone now since 1999 and lovin it, and have no interest in sharing my life with anyone.
There is no worry about getting up in the morning and having to be talkative and congenial
I am self sufficent, and do not need anyone to take care of me, decide my daily moods, or feel as if I have to be with someone to be successful.
I go on my own vacations, where and when I chose, leave when I want, no waiting for anyone, eat when I'm hungry and not have to cook for anyone but myself, and go out to eat a lot now...b/c I can.
I can read without worrying about getting interrupted with conversation, have the bathroom all to myself, don't have to do anyone else's laundry, or feel like I'm failing to make someone else happy.
there is always this underlying feeling when your with someone, that you have to constantly be abreast with their lives. I'm no longer worried about letting anyone down, nor anyone making me feel like a failure, or saying nasty things when upset with me.
I will never, ever even date again....I'm happy, fulfilled and will never wake up at the end of someone else's dream of what a marriage should be.
NO Thank you....
Your cursed to wander forever alone? I think not...I was cursed trying to live someone else's idea of what my life should be....you can be with someone and never feel more lonelier in your life.
The best relationship one should have is with themselves. If someone comes along to enhance your life, the better.
I think people really need to remember this. There are tons of married people out there that are incredibly lonely. Being married does not mean it is a successful relationship. Being in a relationship and feeling alone is FAR worse than not being in one and feeling alone. There is no comparison.
On the converse, there are loads of people not in marriages or committed relationships and they are never lonely and lead full and active social lives.
They really are two (or three) very different things.
QFT!
I always thought that feeling lonely when you are in a relationship is worse because you are not only lonely, but there is no hope. At least when you are single and feeling lonely, there is the hope that you might meet someone.
And yes, it's also a matter of semantics. Being alone /= being lonely. You can be lonely when alone, you can be lonely when you are in a relationship, you can be lonely in a group. You can be alone, but not feel lonely at all. Lonely is a feeling. Alone is a state of being. You can have one without the other... or both together.
See, I think it is changing though. Yes, there is a huge lack of self awareness that is rampant today. But, perhaps it is where I live and have lived (rather liberal/progressive highly educated cities) but there are more and more people that don't seek out marriage as an ideal and are happy well into their 30s and 40s and beyond with their urban tribes. They have rich social lives, great relationships, lovers, friends, community etc without marriage. And yes, while there are good marriages, many of them seem to be along the lines "everything is fine, we're not fighting" type of things. That's depressing!
why is it depressing....
Let me put it another way....
We are raised by our parents to believe what we believe, but that doesn't mean what is right for you is right for me or anyone else....while it works for you, doesn't mean it has to for someone else. In other words, just b/c you "think" its right doesn't make you right and me wrong, or visa versa. It's what works for me, or you? But don't be sad b/c people have found a different way to be happy....
Being in a relationship is one of the hardest things to do on earth. Dating is hard....getting to know each other, then living with each other, takes a very very long time....you have heard people say, you don't know someone until you live with them. It is so true....your dealing with two different people who have been raised to believe in two very different personal cultures.
Whenever I hear a young person say, "I've met someone and we are so much alike, we like the same things, etc". It makes my spine curl b/c a lot of people are not honest, and act the way they think you want them to be...then after your married, they completely change. No thank you!
Any relationship is hard, but when you have friends, you can at least leave and go home for a respite, or take a break from the relationship, but when your married, you cannot get away. And resentments do build up. Awful situation...which takes much more work then I am willing to give.
I always thought that feeling lonely when you are in a relationship is worse because you are not only lonely, but there is no hope. At least when you are single and feeling lonely, there is the hope that you might meet someone.
And yes, it's also a matter of semantics. Being alone /= being lonely. You can be lonely when alone, you can be lonely when you are in a relationship, you can be lonely in a group. You can be alone, but not feel lonely at all. Lonely is a feeling. Alone is a state of being. You can have one without the other... or both together.
But here is my question.....and please, understand, this is simply a discussion, not looking to be contrary....but I truly do not understand this concept....
why do people feel like they HAVE to be with someone, or there is still hope that they will meet someone? Because society dictates it? It's silly.....
Little girls play with baby dolls, we played tea and cooking etc. Then, we read romance books....grow up and expect this fairy tail love machine we're going to meet, who will make us happily ever after....BULL, society has to stop doing that, our parents have to stop doing that...do you know how many people have gotten married, b/c they were dating someone, and family and friends kept asking them when they were going to get married....I mean, that is no reason to marry, but people do it, I did it, b/c my mother in law pressured me to....and that is the honest truth...I saw flags and wanted to wait.....
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
why is it depressing....
Let me put it another way....
We are raised by our parents to believe what we believe, but that doesn't mean what is right for you is right for me or anyone else....while it works for you, doesn't mean it has to for someone else. In other words, just b/c you "think" its right doesn't make you right and me wrong, or visa versa. It's what works for me, or you? But don't be sad b/c people have found a different way to be happy....
Being in a relationship is one of the hardest things to do on earth. Dating is hard....getting to know each other, then living with each other, takes a very very long time....you have heard people say, you don't know someone until you live with them. It is so true....your dealing with two different people who have been raised to believe in two very different personal cultures.
Whenever I hear a young person say, "I've met someone and we are so much alike, we like the same things, etc". It makes my spine curl b/c a lot of people are not honest, and act the way they think you want them to be...then after your married, they completely change. No thank you!
Any relationship is hard, but when you have friends, you can at least leave and go home for a respite, or take a break from the relationship, but when your married, you cannot get away. And resentments do build up. Awful situation...which takes much more work then I am willing to give.
It's depressing because it is such a low standard. Oh, great, you're not fighting. It is pretty easy not to fight by burying feelings and emotions deep. Not fighting /= everything is ok.
Hey, if people are happy just having a relationship that doesn't have fighting and that's all they expect and prefer that to not being single, that is their choice. It still depresses me when I see it. There is so much fun and joy in the world to have. There are so many people to meet and make connections with and build relationships with. To choose something that is just "we don't fight, it works" and to be "content" with that saddens me.
And if they found a different way to be happy, power to them! But these people never seem happy. That is why it is depressing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
why do people feel like they HAVE to be with someone, or there is still hope that they will meet someone? Because society dictates it? It's silly.....
Little girls play with baby dolls, we played tea and cooking etc. Then, we read romance books....grow up and expect this fairy tail love machine we're going to meet, who will make us happily ever after....BULL, society has to stop doing that, our parents have to stop doing that...do you know how many people have gotten married, b/c they were dating someone, and family and friends kept asking them when they were going to get married....I mean, that is no reason to marry, but people do it, I did it, b/c my mother in law pressured me to....and that is the honest truth...I saw flags and wanted to wait.....
I think this is changing. The people I see now, and many of the people I was raised with, were not taught they need someone else. They were taught to be self sufficient. This in itself can create other issues, but it seems far healthier. I've not lived in for any period of time in a region where young women are pressured to marry or couple, but to get their education and work on their careers. They couple when they want to couple, when they meet the right person and it works for them, not because they feel they need to. The parents I see now with daughters (the ones I spend time with, which is admittedly, not a ton of) don't paint this fairytale. They encourage them becoming scientists or whatever, not wives and mothers. My mother and my SIL's mother were both furious that their children were planning on marrying before they both finished their masters degrees, it was just not how they were raised.
See, I think it is changing though. Yes, there is a huge lack of self awareness that is rampant today. But, perhaps it is where I live and have lived (rather liberal/progressive highly educated cities) but there are more and more people that don't seek out marriage as an ideal and are happy well into their 30s and 40s and beyond with their urban tribes. They have rich social lives, great relationships, lovers, friends, community etc without marriage. And yes, while there are good marriages, many of them seem to be along the lines "everything is fine, we're not fighting" type of things. That's depressing!
This is my experience as well, pretty much mirrors what I see.
It's depressing because it is such a low standard. Oh, great, you're not fighting. It is pretty easy not to fight by burying feelings and emotions deep. Not fighting /= everything is ok.
Hey, if people are happy just having a relationship that doesn't have fighting and that's all they expect and prefer that to not being single, that is their choice. It still depresses me when I see it. There is so much fun and joy in the world to have. There are so many people to meet and make connections with and build relationships with. To choose something that is just "we don't fight, it works" and to be "content" with that saddens me.
And if they found a different way to be happy, power to them! But these people never seem happy. That is why it is depressing.
ahhhh gotcha, yes, I agree that is depressing....very much so......thank you for explaining.
This is my experience as well, pretty much mirrors what I see.
oh that is good news, and I'm glad its changing.....Parents should be teaching their kids this way....and not the other.
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