How much should I contribute? (date, wife, woman, husband)
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It sounds like you're going nuts trying to save and placing the burden of paying for the dates on your boyfriend. After a certain point, yes your finances are his business, especially if there's a future in your future.
I would tell him exactly what's up and then contribute as much as you can afford, up to half of the trip. Treat it the same way you'd treat getting new tires or unexpected event.
In the future, you need to be more clear about your limits.
Ugh. I'm sorry, but what an ass. It's one thing for him to ask you to contribute when planning, but to come back afterwards and ask you for money? How TACKY. He should never have booked a trip without making his expectations crystal clear.
I would tell him I missed the hint and simply can't afford to contribute.
Then I would make it very very clear that this dynamic of him paying for everything was not working for you
What isn't working, imo, is him over-riding her preference for a) staying home while the kids are away and enjoying themselves and the privacy, and b) him over-riding (AGAIN!) her preference for a more modest hotel, once he insisted they go out of town.
It's REALLY unfair of him to insist on splurging like that, and then suddenly stick her with a bill for HIS extravagance. That's completely unreasonable. He made all those decisions, going over her head, kind of, and then he starts hinting she should raid whatever savings she has, or mess up her monthly budget to pay him for the luxuries he insisted on (read: demanded)? No way.
OP, you should not give in to this guilt trip! He needs to take responsibility for the decisions and choices he made. You can explain that, and say in the future, all decisions regarding significant expenses will be made jointly IF he wants you to contribute. If he wants to treat you, that's on his dime. If he can't afford a big splurge, he should consult with you, not bill you after the fact.
OP, if I were you, I'd think twice about getting serious about a future with a guy who spends like this, gets in over his head, then expects you to help bail him out. I see a red flag here as to how he handles money, and how he dismisses your suggestions and preferences for affordable alternatives. It was sneaky, underhanded, and inconsiderate of your wishes, not to mention of your budget, which he knows full well is limited.
Weird situation I don't know how to handle. Last month I told my boyfriend that my kids would be going out of town for Valentines Day weekend so we should make some plans. I was thinking romantic dinner in front of the fireplace, but He immediately responded that we should go out of town. within a day or two we had settled on a destination about 4 hours from where we live. Then he started looking for a hotel reservation. He sent me some links to some really swanky hotels and I said he didn't need to spend that much, I'm happy with the Hampton inn or whatever. He knows I'm a t-shirt and jeans kinda gal. But he said there wasn't much available and he reserved a suite at the Doubletree Inn, and reserved a table for the 15 at a very nice restaurant.
Meanwhile, on two separate occasions, he very casually asked me if I was doing okay financially. He knows my ex owes me a fair amount of money and I've been anxious to file my tax return because I'm due a big refund, but I don't give a lot of detail (nor do I ask for his) because it isn't his business/problem at this point. If ex pays me what he owes and I get this refund, I will barely be back in the black and I'm being very conservative in order to stay that way. I'm also working extra hours to try to get ahead (32 per week instead of 20). He knows I have retirement accounts and don't buy things I don't need. Essentially, I'm cash poor right now, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If anything, I felt I have shared too much about my financial business.
He has always paid for our dates, although I have attempted to reciprocate by cooking dinner/buying groceries, or paying for small things like the frozen yogurt. Honestly, I was enjoying the fact that he never hesitated to pay, and I ALWAYS let him pick the restaurant...Even when I suggest something that is 'more casual' he says he wants to eat at X restaurant. He works in IT and has a decent salary, and relatively low living expenses (has no kids, car paid in full, does not have expensive tastes, etc)
We had a FABULOUS weekend out of town. He paid for virtually everything. I bought breakfast one day. I'm thinking; as soon as i get my next paycheck I need to find a way to pay for a date...buy tickets to an event in advance, etc. I thanked him multiple times in multiple ways and we genuinely enjoyed ourselves.
On the way home, I told him I had noticed that he was curious about my financial status and asked if his curiousity was due to having been burned in the past by a gold digger. He said: Oh, well actually, I was trying to ask in a very awkward and apparently not effective way if you felt you would be able to contribute to the expenses of the trip.
I was mortified. I had been very specific about letting him make all the choices and indicating that his taste was more extravagant than I need. I never asked for any of it. I also felt that I had made my current financial challenges fairly clear. So I told him I was embarrassed and that I thought I had been fairly clear in sharing my financial situation and that I didn't expect our trip to be quite so extravagant. So he said it really didn't matter and he just wanted to know for purposes of planning, since he had spent about $1000 on the trip.
Then today, I'm at work and we are messaging and he says, Did you give any more thought to what I asked you yesterday? and at first I didn't even know what he was talking about. But he still wants to know if i'm going to contribute to the trip.
So I feel awful. If I had known this would be an issue I would NEVER have even gone on a trip. I feel like I took advantage of him and I feel stupid for not offering to pay more.
My choices:
1) Tell him I just can't afford to contribute at this time
2) Tell him I'm sorry I missed the hint and offer to pay for our next few dates (so that I'm spreading out the expense).
3) Tell him I'm sorry I missed the hint and offer to write him a check. But for how much?
WWYD
YIKES! So sorry for your embarrassment.
This was a clear case of miscommunication.
You thought he understood your situation, but really the minute he started talking about such nice accomodations you should have been clued in that he didn't. That would have been a great time for you to have spoken up and said "gee I just can't afford that on my budget".
At that point he would have been able to make the choice to either pay for it all himself, or pick an alternate plan.
There is nothing left to be done now except apologize for the lack of communication, thank him again profusely for such a nice time and offer him a token amount that you can afford - along with maybe the offer of a special home cooked meal.
No, it wasn't. It was a deliberate failure to communicate on his part, that he expected or needed her to pay a share of the over-the-top weekend HE (not she) wanted. He bears full responsibility for the situation.
That said, this can serve as an overdue occasion for them both to lay their financial cards on the table so there won't be any wrong assumptions, unaffordable extravagant plans, or budget hijackings made in the future. Hopefully, he'll learn to be more responsible with money matters, and will dial back his impulse spending.
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