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Old 02-21-2014, 05:33 PM
 
2,449 posts, read 2,589,068 times
Reputation: 5702

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewGuy16 View Post
I'm going to ask very nicely if she will sit with me and let me say everything I have to say without her responding right away. At that point, I'm going to leave the house for a little bit so she can let everything sink in.
I wish I had logged on earlier and seen this.

Don't leave!

She may start crying or get defensive, but you need to be there for her.

Good luck to you.
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:03 PM
 
Location: In nature
348 posts, read 497,102 times
Reputation: 424
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewGuy16 View Post
Thanks for the folks that actually took the time to put together a worthwhile response.

I've decided I'm going to sit her down and be straight with her when we get home from work today. (It's getting to the point where it is affecting my job performance)

I'm going to ask very nicely if she will sit with me and let me say everything I have to say without her responding right away. At that point, I'm going to leave the house for a little bit so she can let everything sink in.

I am choosing to do it this way because everyone's first reaction when they are confronted is to get defensive, which ends up causing a fight. I don't want her defensive. I just want her to know that I know. Hopefully having an hour or so to process everything will allow her to be more straightforward with me when I get back.
oh boy!

Keep us informed
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:15 PM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,845,959 times
Reputation: 2417
OP, sometimes women need a little privacy.

Your wife is most likely fantasizing about the one that got away. I have done this. I know a lot of other women who have, too.

Every marriage gets to the point where its boring and staid. Where you think about your choice and how your life could have been different if you had chosen something or someone else. If you are mature and reasonably happy in your marriage, this passes and you come back to your partnership with renewed energy and interest because you feel good about your life and your partner. If you are immature and/or your marriage is lacking in some way, you may dip a toe in the pool to move toward destroying it. That is what your wife is probably THINKING about doing. Not saying she is ready to act, just saying she may be at a crossroads.

The ex is an ex for a reason. From a distance, he may have acquired a sheen of desirability. He may have a great job or be involved with someone else. He may have started working out or become more appealing. But if she actually interacts with him she may understand that he isn't right for her now, and wasn't right for her before.

The point is that she is restless and bored. It may have nothing to do with you. But she is daydreaming about another life, and that could be dangerous or it could be harmless. She may need a little time to work through it before you confront her.
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Old 02-21-2014, 08:26 PM
 
1,500 posts, read 1,765,888 times
Reputation: 2033
Funny just met with a friend that was pretty much in your wives situation (as far as I know). She stated many times that she purposely left her phone (with texts to another guy) out to a point where he could check it if she wanted. She said he was too oblivious to notice so she'd keep texting this guy. Basically women want to be emotionally connected and to know their spouse will fight for them And by checking in with what she's doing you're showing that. Also Take time to spend one on one with her without tv or anything else.
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Old 02-21-2014, 08:50 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 3,045,167 times
Reputation: 2678
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewGuy16 View Post
Thanks for the folks that actually took the time to put together a worthwhile response.

I've decided I'm going to sit her down and be straight with her when we get home from work today. (It's getting to the point where it is affecting my job performance)

I'm going to ask very nicely if she will sit with me and let me say everything I have to say without her responding right away. At that point, I'm going to leave the house for a little bit so she can let everything sink in.

I am choosing to do it this way because everyone's first reaction when they are confronted is to get defensive, which ends up causing a fight. I don't want her defensive. I just want her to know that I know. Hopefully having an hour or so to process everything will allow her to be more straightforward with me when I get back.
You have excellent communication skills for this kind of issue. The reason some people become defensive is they are caught off guard. You have had plenty of time to think about this before confronting her. She is going to hear it for the first time, and in fairness, she needs time to think about it before she can be expected to talk about it. Let her know why you are leaving though. An hour or so may or may not be enough for her. How many DAYS have you been working thru this?
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Old 02-22-2014, 09:52 AM
 
2,156 posts, read 3,325,275 times
Reputation: 2837
Quote:
Originally Posted by meaning View Post
I think the OP's wife got a bug. It's called the FB bug. I don't know what it is about FB that when you searched the people you have wronged once upon a time in your life, you feel the need to contact them and say sorry. That happened to me.

Only my old friend ignored it, LOL. That was a heartfelt apology too.

FB should be banned seriously there's just a lot of old flames burning again because of it, I am surprised it still hasn't catch fire and virtual burned to death already.

LOL. I swear, for some people Facebook is like Pandora's Box. Nothing good comes out of it. My wife and I didn't want to do with anything to do with Facebook. Last thing we need is a crazy stalker from our past. We don't need FB to keep in contact with the people we need to contact. That's what phones, mails, and emails are for.

Facebook has already ruined my wife's sister's marriage. My brother's exgirlfriend who cheated on him and eloped with another man started stalking my brother on FB last year.

As far as OP goes, you have to do what is best for you. You need to know where your wife stands in the relationship between YOU and HER. If she no longer has the heart to be in it, let her move on. No point of being 2nd best when you are the one MARRIED to her. Marriage is a two way street and that's already hard enough. I can't imagine a marriage when one is always looking out the window dreaming about is the grass greener on the other side, with another person. Pfft, life's too short to waste your time on someone who already checked out of a relationship. Find where she stands and move on from there.
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Old 02-22-2014, 10:08 AM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,041,040 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minntoaz View Post
Funny just met with a friend that was pretty much in your wives situation (as far as I know). She stated many times that she purposely left her phone (with texts to another guy) out to a point where he could check it if she wanted. She said he was too oblivious to notice so she'd keep texting this guy. Basically women want to be emotionally connected and to know their spouse will fight for them And by checking in with what she's doing you're showing that. Also Take time to spend one on one with her without tv or anything else.
If that woman tried that with me she would be thrown out on the streets.
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Old 02-22-2014, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,418,348 times
Reputation: 53067
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow bear View Post

You can't force someone to forget about their past. A person's past makes them who they are and trying to erase someone's past is very icky, and makes you look like a controlling jerk. Like it or not she has a past and she will think about it and even at times miss it but you are her future. Just keep thinking that way.
Honestly, what matters a lot more is whether or not SHE is thinking that way.

OP, you got a lot of negative feedback on laying your cards out on the table, pointing out what you've noticed, and then giving her space and time to think about it. But, to tell the truth, I personally think it's a good approach. She will know that you are conscious of the fact that she's obviously struggling with her feelings, and will have to deal with the reality that it DOES affect you, but it won't become an accusatory blowout.

I do have to ask, though, what is your hope for the outcome of addressing this? To air your own feelings? For her to change her behavior? For her to make a decision? To know where she stands? Bear in mind that you may learn things you don't like.
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Old 02-22-2014, 11:13 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,418,348 times
Reputation: 53067
Quote:
Originally Posted by calnbs View Post
LOL. I swear, for some people Facebook is like Pandora's Box. Nothing good comes out of it. My wife and I didn't want to do with anything to do with Facebook. Last thing we need is a crazy stalker from our past. We don't need FB to keep in contact with the people we need to contact. That's what phones, mails, and emails are for.

Facebook has already ruined my wife's sister's marriage. My brother's exgirlfriend who cheated on him and eloped with another man started stalking my brother on FB last year.

As far as OP goes, you have to do what is best for you. You need to know where your wife stands in the relationship between YOU and HER. If she no longer has the heart to be in it, let her move on. No point of being 2nd best when you are the one MARRIED to her. Marriage is a two way street and that's already hard enough. I can't imagine a marriage when one is always looking out the window dreaming about is the grass greener on the other side, with another person. Pfft, life's too short to waste your time on someone who already checked out of a relationship. Find where she stands and move on from there.
Thing is, people who suffer from "grass is greener" syndrome will do so with or without facebook. People pined for exes/old relationships long before FB was created. Social media makes for an easier method of contact, etc., but the core of the problem is people who aren't happy with what they have, and are prone to thinking about how the things they don't have might make their lives so much better. And that's a character flaw that exists independently of anything social media-related.
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Old 02-23-2014, 02:09 AM
 
Location: Bronx
16,200 posts, read 22,988,244 times
Reputation: 8345
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewGuy16 View Post
First off, don’t be alarmed that this is my first post. I’m not trolling. I’m a regular user on the site but my wife is familiar with my normal user name and I’m looking for advice on…my wife. (Don’t worry I’m not here to bad-mouth her and I’m not cheating)

I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now. My wife and I are both in our mid 20’s. About a year and a half ago we moved to a new city that neither of us had ever lived in before. That was great for us. We bought a house, made new friends, etc.

About 2 months ago my wife tells me that she is feeling guilty for the way she broke it off with her ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago. She said that she said some very mean things to him that she felt guilty about. She wanted to know my thoughts on reaching out to him just to apologize and wish him well. I was a little uncomfortable, but I was very happy with the fact that she was up front about this. (She could have contacted him via email or Facebook and I would have never known.) I told her it was fine with me if she wanted to do that.

She told me when she messaged him (about a week after the conversation) but she didn’t tell me what was said. (Which is fine. This was something she needed to get off her chest) However, I’ve noticed a difference in her since then. She leaves her poetry books around that are often opened to poems about lost love, etc. On our communal Pandora account, she has created stations for songs that are VERY obviously about missing former loves. (i.e. “The Dance” by Garth Brooks, “I Would’ve Loved You Anyway” by Trisha Yearwood, “I Miss You” by Aliyah.) I know my wife very well and I know she expresses her feelings through things like this. She never listens to songs like this otherwise. On top of that, I typed the letter “t” into Google on OUR computer and the suggestion in blue was “Top songs about missing someone”. Although I feel a little guilty about finding these things, I didn’t pry into her things or hack her Facebook/email. (Frankly I’d be afraid to at this point.)

That being said, I trust my wife. I do not believe she would ever act on these feelings. (On top of that, the guy lives on the other side of the country which provides a little extra comfort.) I feel like I stumbled onto something I shouldn’t have. I can’t un-know what I now know. She misses her ex-boyfriend and frankly I am uncomfortable with how much this is obviously weighing on her.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. If I sit back and say nothing, then I am torturing myself all day wondering if I am slowly losing her. I wonder if this is ever going to go away or if it is just a phase. On another note, if I don’t suspect her of acting on any of this, is it right of me to confront her? Maybe this is how she can truly face all of these feelings. If I confront her she might feel like she has no safe place to vent when something is on her mind. (On top of all this, she is generally very sensitive and gets fairly angry when she feels she is being “confronted”.)

Any advice is appreciated here, ESPECIALLY from a woman’s point of view. Please don’t respond if you are just going to be nasty about me or my wife. Thank you.
You got married too young. To be honest your wife probably does not know what she wants. All I have to say is that I wish you and her good-luck.
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