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Okay. So we won't move, if the distinction is that important. I suppose it is. I appreciate all the viewpoints. The geography issue is kind of a matter of, he basically lives in the last place (in the state) that I would want to live and the same is true for him! Literally. Both of us strongly dislike each other's mutual location. He would have to switch careers and leave a lucrative job basically. And my family is getting up there in years. Oh, excuses, excuses. I know!
The booty call thing has me scratching my head. Um, we live hours and hours apart. It would make way more sense that if that is what we got out of it, we would find a local? Hmmm...
I guess I'm naïve in thinking that sharing something that feels wonderful and incredibly rare with another person is something to hold onto, despite the terrible circumstances. I wonder if we keep holding on until we just grow apart or what. I mean at high-stress busy times it sure seems that way but boy, when we have a day together it's like we have never been apart. I know this sounds dramatic and wishy washy but it is how I feel.
I also think both of us prefer a little emotional distance maybe? I mean this is a truckload but I really need alone-alone time. Imagining living together seems mostly nice (since we work different shifts anyways) but sometimes I think about the lack of personal space and feel worried. Is that a normal concern even? Trust, I've been down the counselor road a few times. I never find it particularly useful in the long run. My last therapist was wonderful, very sharp and thoughtful, and she even alluded to the idea that my partner and I should stay together. Otherwise, I just didn't really get much out of it at all. She was really big into meditation and that kind of stuff but it doesn't interest me.
So you will continue to have a long distance dating relationship for....how long? Another 5 years? 10 years? Seems like you are trying to make this into something more than what it is. Until one of you does something, moves to the other, proposes, then your just dating. So I hope you're happy with that.
This sounds like a pretty straight forward situation, so I'm not sure why anyone is telling you you need therapy. You both love each other, but you both love where you live and your careers. I don't think it means you don't love each other that neither of you is willing to give up everything and move for love. That's a HUGE decision and there's a lot to consider. What if you quit your job and move and then six months later you guys break up? Now you have no job and no boyfriend. I don't think the fact that neither of you wants to move means you don't love each other, but I do think it means that this just isn't the right relationship for you for right now. I don't think I personally could ever do long distance if there wasn't some end in sight where we would live in the same place.
I also think both of us prefer a little emotional distance maybe? I mean this is a truckload but I really need alone-alone time. Imagining living together seems mostly nice (since we work different shifts anyways) but sometimes I think about the lack of personal space and feel worried.
IMHO, this is very telling. Why? Because although you state that you two are made for one another and have never felt like this before, the bigger question is.....can you actually BE together in a typical way? You lived together for 6 months? What happened? Was it bad? Was it good? Did you feel resentful at the end of it, did you feel sad, did you feel relieved?
I won't say you don't love one another, however, I do feel neither of you is willing to give up anything to be together (physically in the same place) and that alone speaks volumes too. It means you aren't important enough to him, for him to move. He's not important enough to you, for you to move. And by that, I don't necessarily mean to where you are now (or where he is now). The fact that the places you both want to live, are the most hated place of the other, is telling also.
So far, it sounds like you two really aren't matched well, except maybe on a friend level.
I say all this because here's the thing....I have felt how you feel. BUT, because we understood each other so well, he knew to give me space at home and vice versa. We didn't live together, but even the times we spent, I knew when he wanted quiet alone time. He knew when I needed it. We both knew that if we lived anywhere, it would always be in two places. They happened to be the same two places. We had the same goals and dreams.
I honestly think you two have just become "comfortable" with one another and because of that, you're not willing to "move on" in fear of what could be around the corner.
Oh. And btw, I was willing to sacrifice anything and everything for my guy. He was too, until it interfered with his goals. Then he decided that his goals were more important than me, even though he knew what he was giving up. He let me go. I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. Funny how neither of you will move.
Just think about the things I wrote. I have met couples that live apart and on opposite ends of the country, happily. But you're not happy and that's the problem. I would talk to him about the "end game". What does he want in life? Does he intend to live where he is forever? Does he expect this to go on forever like it is? Is he truly happy with the circumstances of the relationship? Does he think you'll move once your family is "gone" or something? And on that note, what do you want? And if you want to be with him forever, do you expect him to do all the compromising? Why can't you compromise?
When two people really love one another they will move heaven and earth to actually BE together.
You seem to each have a lot of excuses for why you can't be together in the same town. And of course, they sound very reasonable and plausible, on the surface.
I'm just saying for whatever reason, you guys have set things up in the way that you have because somewhere in all this angst and drama there's a payoff.
So while I do not know you and cannot therefore tell you what that payoff is, I can tell you none of what you are going through in this relationship just happened by itself.
You guys are each making choices, some of them very unconsciously, some more deliberately, to live this way.
If you would be willing to spend some time with a therapist you could learn a lot about yourself and why you have been motivated to do things this way. None of this is by accident, there are always reasons for the things we do and the things we put up with.
Good luck uncovering what's really going on with you
This is all very spot on. Whenever I hear of stuff like this I tend to think there is fear of commitment. Folks with commitment issues usually will create these "always striving, never getting anywhere" dramas so that it looks like they're really trying on the surface of things, even though they're really not. That way they get to enjoy the drama of a relationship without actually having to commit.
I'm sure there are more details and other issues as to why both parties are afraid of commitment, but as you say, that's what a therapist is for.
In my experience, as the momentum of the break-up increases, it will eventually end..."with a whimper and not a bang". I know exactly how you feel. At some point one of the two of you will cross completely over the other's borders and that will be it. When that happens, if it's your partner that decides, don't go back and don't take them back. There is always a second wave of regret in these types of break-ups. Stand firm. Take the wave hit. Don't ride it, no matter how good it looks.
This is all very spot on. Whenever I hear of stuff like this I tend to think there is fear of commitment. Folks with commitment issues usually will create these "always striving, never getting anywhere" dramas so that it looks like they're really trying on the surface of things, even though they're really not. That way they get to enjoy the drama of a relationship without actually having to commit.
I'm sure there are more details and other issues as to why both parties are afraid of commitment, but as you say, that's what a therapist is for.
Thank you for the backup.
Some folks here get so bent out of shape when anyone recommends therapy
But speaking with the right professional really can be the quickest, most efficient way to get to the bottom of any ongoing drama in our lives
Of course, there's usually some kind of "payoff" to the most emotionally unhealthy of us for remaining in the drama, so many who say they want it to end really don't.
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I suppose it is. I appreciate all the viewpoints. The geography issue is kind of a matter of, he basically lives in the last place (in the state) that I would want to live and the same is true for him! Literally. Both of us strongly dislike each other's mutual location. He would have to switch careers and leave a lucrative job basically. And my family is getting up there in years. Oh, excuses, excuses. I know! 
