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Old 12-03-2007, 01:53 PM
 
6 posts, read 12,531 times
Reputation: 12

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I hope DiamondD sticks her head back in on this issue becasue she came the closest to my wife's reaction. So I really want to know - what is about saying hey, I would really like you to come and do "x" with me, that screams out I think that you are fat? Especially when I follow it up by saying that I would like to do activities with her to have things in common - bring us closer together, that it will lift her mood (I guess there is an implied criticism in there that her mood needs lifting but she is being treated for depression), that it will give her more energy, etc. As a matter of fact I said zero about the fact that it may change her body. It seemed like you were thinking about an implied or hidden agenda that perfecting her appearance was all I wanted but honestly I agree 15 -20 pounds is not significant. But I don't know that its not nothing if its a lot of weight in her eyes and keeps her from feeling good about herself. Is there an implied agenda or defense mechanism on her part that says that by reducing my desire to have her work out with me to a selfish agenda on my part that she can feel better about ignoring my request?
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Old 12-03-2007, 03:08 PM
 
158 posts, read 551,776 times
Reputation: 57
Maybe she wants to spend time with you to but doing something else. Ask yourself how is your relationship otherwise. Maybe start doing something new that is not exercise at all. Like a fun board game or getting together with other couples and going to a comedy club maybe if you two were having fun together then when you wanted a walking partner she would be more likely to want to go?

Maybe I am totally wrong and you two always do stuff together but that was just a thought just in case
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Old 12-03-2007, 03:17 PM
Status: "A Rougarou in a Subaru doing the Electric Bugaloo" (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,242 posts, read 25,575,715 times
Reputation: 12417
Always be sweet to her and assure her that you love her and that she is desirable to you. Let her know that you value her and appreciate her and you want her to be healthy. Don't ever mention that she's fat or overweight. If she is, she already knows she is and you won't need to tell her. Perhaps in that "romantic" vein, you could sign up for ballroom dance or salsa lessons. It's excellent exercise yet it's a fun activity that brings the two of you together. Maybe you could also set her up with a personal trainer. That way she gets to exercise without feeling like maybe you're breathing down her neck. I'm not saying you are, but maybe that's how she feels.

How about some "romantic" strolls at night? Maybe go hiking, or take up tennis together.

Good luck.
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Old 12-03-2007, 05:12 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,759,023 times
Reputation: 3460
Quote:
Originally Posted by Okee dokee View Post
what is about saying hey, I would really like you to come and do "x" with me, that screams out I think that you are fat?
If something is said once or twice, it gets the point across fine. If something is said over and over it can feel like pressure and criticism. Also it can feel disrespectful, like "I'm not stupid, I heard you before," even if that is not the intent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Okee dokee View Post
Especially when I follow it up by saying that I would like to do activities with her to have things in common - bring us closer together, that it will lift her mood (I guess there is an implied criticism in there that her mood needs lifting but she is being treated for depression), that it will give her more energy, etc.
Yes those can sound like criticisms, of mood, of energy level. Loving comments that can be heard that way (and it is apparent you are speaking from a place of concern for your wife and your relationship with her) are things like, "Honey I care about you and if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know." "I like feeling close to you, what are some things you enjoy that we could maybe do together?" "I know you are going through a rough time and I just want you to know much I care about you."

It is not fun being depressed. It is like walking around wearing a cement overcoat. It is not up to you to fix or change her, she has to do that herself, and be willing to do that herself. What will make a lasting impression on her is the depth of caring you can express for her, regardless of her condition, and your willingness to weather a difficult stretch in a relationship.

Be honest too about your feelings BUT NOT WITH HER, take those feelings of upset, sadness, pain, frustration, anger to friends of your own, or a support group, or a therapist or a 12-step program. Because it's no joyride to live with someone depressed, it sucks the life and joy out of you like standing in a swamp and slowly sinking; and your health and well-being are important too.

Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 12-03-2007 at 05:14 PM.. Reason: added a phrase
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Old 12-03-2007, 11:51 PM
 
384 posts, read 76,343 times
Reputation: 39
Just ask nicely and find some excersise that is fun and good at burning calories. If you are rude or sarcastic they will definitely shutdown on you
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Old 12-04-2007, 05:00 AM
 
Location: austin Texas
62 posts, read 240,111 times
Reputation: 45
Let it rest for now and lavish her with affection...lots of hugs and kisses. Is there anyplace that has romantic scenery around where you live? You could take her to a place that has just a little walking to see the pretty area--woods or lake, etc.

I had a friend that didn't like to exercise that started salsa dancing and loved it. He lost a few pounds and really seemed happier.
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,247,832 times
Reputation: 917
Default Wow...wish I hadn't read this thread today.

Hi Okee dokee,

My work partner and I were just talking about your member name two days ago (ironically.) It's something I say quite often and we were talking about my success over the years in keeping "okee dokee" off the police radio. It's hard, lol.

Now for this topic.

I come to you as a 45 year-old divorced woman of seven years.

I was emotionally persecuted about my weight most of my life, first by my father and then by my husband.

Without going into the entire history, I'll give you highlights.

-In order to get my drivers license on my 16th birthday I had to weigh 158 lbs. The night before I was five pounds over. I was so upset that the night before I went out and got sick drunk with my friends. So sick that I vomited all night. When my dad marched me to the bathroom scale the next morning I was actually two pounds under and took my driving exam hung over.

-This is just one story about my father and me and weight, but I could tell you hundreds.

-Throughout most of my marriage, I worked 16 hour days to finance my husband's race car. I worked nights and slept approximately five hours a day for about a decade. The weight ticked on to the tune of 286 at my highest.
My husband never shut up about it, actually, he never did much more than work on his car and bother me about my weight.

-He got a girlfriend.

-When I told my parents about my husbands affair over the phone, my mother said they would call me back.

-Thirty minutes later, my dad called and said "I knew this would happen. I knew you would gain weight and he would get a girlfriend." Then he handed the phone to my mother, who, almost screaming said, "You are going to get off your fat a$$, lose weight, start wearing makeup and seduce your husband." Then she hung up on me.

I was all alone.

Again, worked more hours than he did, moved our entire household without any help from him, painted and prepped our old house for sale; I did everything, I don't even think he ever even carried in groceries for me. I cut our grass, did all the maintenance, everything; for thirteen years and now I have three people I'm supposed to love tell this crap.

I stopped eating and started exercising. I lost 120 lbs and became a rock star in 10 months, just in time for divorce proceedings.

Blew out my thyroid and has since gained a good chunk of that back. And I've never in my life been happier.

Ok....

Now, your wife. Lay off. I can tell you if she is sleeping a bit more than you might like, it might not have anything to do with her health or her weight, she might even have the enormous self love for herself that I have for myself. But if she is sleeping more than you think she should, either she is unhappy about something (perhaps a relationship in her life) and get her to a doctor for a physical.

Never mention her weight or exercise.

For Christmas, get her a wonderfully expensive digital camera. You go on walks without her. After each walk, you tell her about something fantastic you saw, the neighbors new dog, the new gazebo that is being built at the community center. Each day, tell her something and eventually, she will catch on that she is missing out. At the first indication that she might be interested in walking, ask her to join you and suggest she bring her camera.

Forget about any gym. That just doesn't work. Gyms are too intimidating.

When you go out to dinner, park as far away as possible. Get in the habit of walking as a couple at a distance. Never mention what you are doing.

And love her....just love the heck out of her.

And to those of you that feel inspired to give me some sort of sympathy about my dad and my husband, don't. I'm SO over it and them.
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Old 12-04-2007, 08:13 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,247,832 times
Reputation: 917
Quote:
Originally Posted by Okee dokee View Post
I hope DiamondD sticks her head back in on this issue becasue she came the closest to my wife's reaction. So I really want to know - what is about saying hey, I would really like you to come and do "x" with me, that screams out I think that you are fat? Especially when I follow it up by saying that I would like to do activities with her to have things in common - bring us closer together, that it will lift her mood (I guess there is an implied criticism in there that her mood needs lifting but she is being treated for depression), that it will give her more energy, etc. As a matter of fact I said zero about the fact that it may change her body. It seemed like you were thinking about an implied or hidden agenda that perfecting her appearance was all I wanted but honestly I agree 15 -20 pounds is not significant. But I don't know that its not nothing if its a lot of weight in her eyes and keeps her from feeling good about herself. Is there an implied agenda or defense mechanism on her part that says that by reducing my desire to have her work out with me to a selfish agenda on my part that she can feel better about ignoring my request?
I forgot my signature analogy.

Compare this situation to a new family puppy. Abuse the dog verbally...and watch that dog cower whenever you want to take it for a walk. Love it unconditionally and that dog will not only bring you the lease, it will hold the door open for you.
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Old 12-04-2007, 08:16 AM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,403 posts, read 9,343,736 times
Reputation: 5614
I think all this hooplah about an extra 15 pounds is pretty insulting, I can understand why she would be reacting negatively to it as well. Anyone would take that as a personal afront, critisizm at it's finest, and from a loved one too?

If you want her to be happy, focus on making her happy, and drop the whole "you're going to the gym with me, it'll be good for you" thing.
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Old 12-04-2007, 08:23 AM
 
158 posts, read 551,776 times
Reputation: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiddlekitten View Post
I think all this hooplah about an extra 15 pounds is pretty insulting, I can understand why she would be reacting negatively to it as well. Anyone would take that as a personal afront, critisizm at it's finest, and from a loved one too?

If you want her to be happy, focus on making her happy, and drop the whole "you're going to the gym with me, it'll be good for you" thing.
I dont think the OP is critisizing her. HE said she is upset with her weight and that was not his concern. He wanted her to be happy and she is not so it the weight bothers her and he is trying to find a nice loving way to help her I applaud him for that.

Lets all not get what he is saying twisted
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