My boyfriend's modest sexual past bothers him (date, men, attracted)
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Hi everybody and thanks for your replies. I'm really going to try and answer things.
Some of you said that it was odd that he's bringing this up now. I think it started when we went on holidays with our friends. The guy of the couple is nice enough but he kind of shows off and he was making all sorts of comments about his past dating life. I think that got my man thinking about how he didn't really have alot of past dating experiences.
Somebody said how would my guy feel if he had a son who took the path of having alot of partners. That's a really good point and I'll bring it up.
Somebody else said if he's "been practicing short, selfish encounters, then you will not have been developing emotionally for a relationship either, not to mention, compatible partners are not just waiting around for whenever you feel like it. It's sad he cannot value what he has when it's likely more rare & special than the experiences of his peers." This is not true. He has NOT had any short selfish encounters. AND he for sure values what he have. I guess he's regretful of not having experiences before we got together.
Somebody said to dump him!! What? I don't get that and it's not going to happen. He's a wonderful guy and we love each other.
Somebody said "A lot of guys want to be that guy that has sowed his wild oats while the person he settles down with has been relatively inexperienced." This is half true. He really is OK with my past. He has never been preachy or judgemental. But I guess he does regret not having sowed HIS wild oats.
Somebody said "If he is worried he is missing something, try hard to make sure he is satisfied. Kick it up several notches. If he is worried how he measures up to your "quantity," the same thing applies." We are "kicked up" a notch or two - lol! I know he's happy withour sex life. I haven't thought about him comparing himself to my past guys however. Good point.
Somebody suggested "One thing we did is bring another woman into the bedroom. We both agreed on it, and we both had fun." I mentioned before that we are "kicked up a notch" but we've never done that. To be honest I tried that in the past with a boyfriend and it was sort of OK but I really don't know how I'd feel about doing that with my current boyfriend. I guess I see him differently or something.
Also I'm NOT going to give him a hall pass like somebody suggested. That's wrong. I guess selfishly what I want is to convince him that he really hasn't missed much, NOT to give him the opportunity to go and see what he thinks he's "missed." Does this make sense?
You may have been a little gratuitous in describing your sexual history as "adventurous", I suppose (I don't know if you've given him a numerical figure or anything, but that's something that neither men nor women should ever, ever do, at least in my opinion).
There are lots of ways to approach this discussion between partners, but what I know is this: it is best kept to vague (but sincere) descriptions, and the conversation need only happen once. In the realm of sexual activity, "adventurous" may have certain connotations, if you know what I mean. Not only may your boyfriend have underlying feelings of falling short in competition with other males, but also, perhaps, with you as well.
This isn't advice, just food for thought, I guess. Your boyfriend knows what he knows, and all that's left is to convince him that he ***** you better than any other schlub from yesterday.
Also I'm NOT going to give him a hall pass like somebody suggested. That's wrong. I guess selfishly what I want is to convince him that he really hasn't missed much, NOT to give him the opportunity to go and see what he thinks he's "missed." Does this make sense?
I don't think countering his selfish desire with your selfish desire does any good. I once dated a girl who was very open minded about such things. She says she understood monogamy is tough and that we all have desires. She wasn't against me sleeping with other women but as a minimum, I always had to treat her as a priority. I'm not saying this is what you should do. However, make him the offer and see how he responds. Either he enthusiastically takes up your offer which tells you one thing, or he will gain such a profound respect for what a uniquely wonderful girlfriend you are that he would never want to jeopardize it with some random sex.
Sounds to me like he is hinting to maybe be set free. You two need to talk about it. The worst thing to happen is you two get married/kids with him still having these feelings or thoughts.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. He's 28, handsome (but has never played on his looks which is something I love about him), smart with a great career going. We get along great even though I'm a bit more outgoing than he is. So here is something I need some advice on.
He has recently started to talk about how he misses not having "played around" in his life. When we met he had come out of a long relationship, His "past" is a pretty small number. He knows (cause I've told him - no lies here) that I have a more adventurous past. And he was completely alright with that and still is.
A couple of months ago we went on a holiday with a couple we are close friends with. One day we were all sitting on the beach drinking and having a great time when the guy from the other couple said something like "there's alot of fine a** here!" Well his girlfriend jumped right in and said "hey! You've had more than your share of fun and you now have the best buster." I saw that my guy got a funny look on his face so I pretty much repeated the same thing about him.
Later that night he brought it up and thanked me for saying what I said. He was talky so I listened. He regrets that he hasn't had sex with a bunch of women. He regrets that he doesn't have alot of memories or stories (like the other guy has). And he regrets that he doesn't have the experiences that I have had.
Since then he has started to become, I think, a bit distant. Even though we love each other he has somehow changed. I can't really put my finger on it.
So I want to really show him that it's quality not quantity that matters (even though I've had some quantity...) and not sound stupid or something.
I would really like some advice, maybe especially from other women who have had similar experiences.
My guess is that he is having some sort of mental competition with you in the sense that he doesn't so much wish he actually had more sexual variety but that wishes he had something to counter your experiences as a way to retroactively get back at you. Like if he found a time machine he'd go back in time, hump a bunch, then come back to present and say Yup, see, me too! I'd bet $10 that if the two of you were to break up and he found a new girl with less experience than him this would not be an issue.
By the way, the whole "I'm the best piece of *** you ever had" is a turn off. Even though no guy would admit to it, we all roll our eyes when we hear this.
Last edited by K-Luv; 03-03-2014 at 01:49 PM..
Reason: here to hear, bere to beer.
I think some people feel the need to "sow wild oats" and some people are perfectly fine settling down in one of their first relationships. Not all guys feel the need to go out and have sex with a lot of different women. But some do, and if your guy really feels he has been denied something by not having a lot of sexual experiences, then I don't think it matters how wonderful you are, he just isn't going to be happy and appreciate you until he gets to experience whatever it is he feels he missed. I suppose you could give him a free pass or have an open relationship to try to keep him and also let him have those experiences, but I know for me personally I would never ever be okay letting my boyfriend do that.
I think you need to figure out if this is something really serious or just a passing thought he's having. I don't think it's abnormal to wonder what it would be like with someone else even if you're really happy in your relationship or to have a minor twinge of regret now and then, but like I said earlier if he really feels he's been denied those experiences, then I would have trouble ever feeling comfortable in the relationship. I'd always be waiting for him to decide he's not ready to settle down.
If I had to guess, I'd say he's not quite as okay with your past as he proclaims. Most men wouldn't want to hear their partner has had more partners than he has. Well, at least I know I wouldn't
If I had to guess, I'd say he's not quite as okay with your past as he proclaims. Most men wouldn't want to hear their partner has had more partners than he has. Well, at least I know I wouldn't
And most men want to know they are the best she has had -- the more partners she has had the more they will wonder about that.
And most men want to know they are the best she has had -- the more partners she has had the more they will wonder about that.
In all seriousness, are you serious?
I've never thought about how many women a guy has been with before me or how I stack up against them. Who cares? Obviously those other people didn't work out and he's with me now, so why does it matter?
Mature confident men don't feel insecure because a woman has a sexual past. But OP has stated that her guy isn't insecure about that. If he's open enough to tell her he's having these kind of thoughts in the first place, then it seems like he would be open enough to tell her if he was feeling insecure because of her past.
contrary to what a lot of women seem to believe (where do you gals get this crap, seriously?), it has nothing to do with being 'the best she ever had.'
Immature and insecure Guys know instinctively that a woman with a high partner count is a terrible prospect for an LTR, generally speaking.
This is why it bothers him.
I fixed your post for you.
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